Friends vs. How I Met Your Mother

Let me tell you something I don’t understand. Why does Netflix keep removing shows? Isn’t the internet an infinite amount of space? You’re telling me that you can’t fit the new season of Longmire (which comes out Nov. 17 btw, #getexcited) ANYWHERE ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET without removing all 9 seasons of How I Met Your Mother? There HAS to be another way to do this. Listen, I wanted Jim McElwain fired, but I want whoever made the decision to remove Friday Night Lights, One Tree Hill and How I Met Your Mother left on a tarmac Lane Kiffin style.

HIMYM’s departure from Netflix has inspired (probably) the most important blog I’ll ever write: A definitive answer to the age-old debate of which is better… Friends or How I Met Your Mother. I mean, this is on the same scale as nature vs. nurture, people. (Note: Seinfeld is not in the discussion. Do not fight me on this.) If you’ve never seen HIMYM, and you decide not to sleep or go to your job for the next week, you can finish it before they take it down. If you’ve never seen Friends, what is wrong with you you better hurry before some Netflix employee, who thinks he’s omnipotent, decides to take it down too. For the rest of you TV junkies out there, I’ve settled the debate once and for all. Here are our categories:

Location: Obvs, New York City. You would think it’s a tie. But it’s not. The West Village is WAY cooler than the Upper Westside, even if MacLaren’s is slightly better than Central Perk. Agree or disagree, at least we all hate New Jersey.

Winner: Friends

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The Player: Barney Stinson vs. Joey Tribbiani 

While I can appreciate Barney Stinson’s ingenious ways to pick up women (as demonstrated in The Playbook) eventually, it just grosses me out. Sleeping with over 250 women? Spare me. Your boy *can* rock a suit tho. Joey Tribbiani’s no saint, but he’s so endearing (and stupid) that you kind of forgive him for treating women so terribly.

Winner: Friends

Pickup lines:

I’ve never really understood the obsession with “How YOU doin?” It sounds like what I imagine getting hit on outside Yankee Stadium would be like. No thanks. However, “Haaaave you met Ted?” is clever, shows camaraderie between bro’s and is just flat out funny.

Winner: HIMYM

Power Couple: Marshall and Lily vs. Monica and Chandler

Haaaaave you met Matthew Smeltzer? Because he’s basically Marshall IRL. So much that I use the hashtag #themarshalltomylily when I post sappy things about him on social media. Marshall and Lily’s relationship is insanely adorable. They’re best friends, they go through real life struggles and they are 100% #relationshipgoals. Monica and Chandler are best friends too and while they share some sweet moments, their relationship dynamic is just different. Marshall and Lily are a team. Chandler is on Monica’s team and MONICA’S TEAM ALWAYS WINS. Except for right now.

Winner: HIMYM

Watch: My favorite Marshall & Lily Moment A reminder for all of us to never let the love die. Go Hens!

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The It-Girl: Robin vs. Rachel

This isn’t even a contest. Rachel wins in a landslide. I’m not trying to say Robin isn’t a pretty girl, because she is, but let’s not kid ourselves. She’s no Ray Ray Green. Most of Rachel’s outfits are still in style 20 years later, an entire haircut was named after her and furthermore, the mother is SO much better than Robin. Yeah, I said it. And imma say some more. See below.

Winner: Friends

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Will They or Won’t They Couple: Ted and Robin vs. Ross and Rachel

One could argue that Ross and Rachel aren’t the world’s most perfect couple. Now, we can’t blame Ross and Rachel for this, because they are fake people, but I think the writers botched the end of their story. They *should* have shown Ross and Rachel both maturing after Emma was born, setting aside their past fights, and really growing into two people who have changed and want to be with each other. Instead, they were both still crazy immature and the writers shoved an ending in our face in like 5 minutes during the finale.

However, NOTHING the Friends writers did will ever compare to the insanity that HIMYM brought. I mean, WHO am I even supposed to be rooting for? Ted and Robin? Barney and Robin? Ted and the mother? The poor mother is supposedly the love of Ted’s life, but (spoiler alert) turns out she’s dead and he never stopped loving Robin! What the heck kind of show is this?!?!? The mother is literally my favorite character on HIMYM. I waited freaking 8 seasons to see her face and when I did, I was so happy, I cried. Do you know why? Because they spent 8 seasons building her up to near perfection and she did not disappoint in ANY way. She was flawless. She was perfect for Ted. He waited and waited and WAITED for her and then poof, she’s gone and years later he’s still in love with Robin? AFTER Robin chose Barney over Ted and AFTER she realizes she made a dumb decision (because, hello. 250 women.) THEN she wants Ted? After everything she put him through? No. I can’t. It’s just not right.

Everyone on the internet right now thinks Ross was too controlling over Rachel, because: #feminism, but I need some social justice warriors on this Ted and Robin ending. It’s terrible and I’m still mad about it. RIP Tracy. I will always love you, even if your savage husband doesn’t.

Winner: Friends

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Rewatchability: 

Both shows are addicting in their own way. The creativity of the jokes on HIMYM is unparalleled. It’s an incredibly well written show, but the jokes on Friends just never get old. On the 7th million rewatch, it’s just as hilarious and bonus: there’s a quote for every single life situation ever. I know this because I say them every day and people stare at me.

Winner: Friends

Life Lessons:

“So no one told you life was gonna be this way…” clap clap clap clap. Watching Friends teaches you that it’s ok if you don’t have life figured out. They deal with real issues but in a light hearted comical way. I feel like parts of HIMYM take a much more serious approach. The entire story was about Ted being stuck in a season of life that he desperately wanted to be over. They deal with waiting for a spouse and kids, losing a parent, infertility, career failures, divorce. Watching HIMYM is about learning to be happy in the waiting and knowing that someday you’ll realize those “waiting” times were a very important part of your life. You just didn’t see it because you were in too much of a hurry to get somewhere else.

Winner: HIMYM

Final Score: Friends 5, HIMYM 3

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Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 4)

1) Does anyone remember what Betty said in her speech at the Jubilee? I would’ve taken notes if I’d known it was going to inspire a serial killer.

2) Where did Veronica get those red circle shirts made in like a day?

3) ARE BETTY AND JUGHEAD GONNA BREAKUP?!!?!? It’s only been 2 days of separate schools and they are already keeping secrets and dodging phone calls. TBH, I’m more scared of this than the black hood.

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4) How did Betty not go full cash-me-ousside on Toni Topaz’s “maybe if you loosened your ponytail” comment? Oh girl, NO you did not.

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5) Is Archie going to be ok? Spray painting red circles on the Southside, pulling guns on people, getting Dilton Doiley stabbed in the leg. He has completely lost it.

6) Why is Hermione lecturing Veronica about “blind loyalty” when that’s the definition of her entire marriage? #parents. Eye rolling emoji.

7) Why are the most dramatic TV moments always accompanied by an intense thunderstorm?

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8) What did Hermione mean when she said “I told you Fred Andrews was going to be a problem?” What are these two planning?

9) How did the black hood get Betty’s cell phone number?

10) Is the black hood Betty’s Dad? I thought this a couple of episodes ago, because of the bags under his eyes. They look v similar to Betty’s Dad’s. Then I saw someone float the idea on Twitter so it must be right BECAUSE I READ IT ON THE INTERNET. (And if it’s not you, Mr. Cooper, you should really get some sleep cause seriously, those bags. Woof.)

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 3)

1) How in this world did Moose get shot from literally 5 feet away and LIVE? #Melodrama. But don’t worry, Jughead covered their tracks with the terrible aim joke. Crying laughing emoji.

2) What’s the difference in a ski mask and a black hood? I hate to point out the obvious, Mr. Murderer, but they look exactly the same. Is it just that one comes with precut eye holes and you had to cut yours out at home yourself? I legitimately don’t get it.

3) Was it just the camera angle or is Archie a whole head taller than Veronica’s dad?

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4) Is Polly really having twins? Has a doctor confirmed this? Or are we just taking Nana’s gypsy blood word for it.

5) Could they not come up with slightly more inventive newspaper names? “Blue and Gold” “Red and Black”…c’mon guys. Let’s at least TRY to be creative.

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6) Does Hermione Lodge love Hiram or is she mostly terrified of what he’ll do to her if she turns against him?

7) Why does the entire set of Riverdale always look foggy? Do they use a fog machine to achieve this?

8) Does Toni like Jughead? Is Betty jealous of Toni? (These are rhetorical questions because the answer is a total, duh.)

9) Is Veronica’s dad trying to get Archie killed by urging him to confront the hooded man?! That’s a high price to pay just for being taller than you, Padre.

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10) Is everyone ok from that fake out of Kevin getting stabbed??? Because my heart rate still has not returned to normal.

P.S. Shoutout to the man in the black hood for returning Luke Perry’s wallet! Thanks bro.

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 2)

1) First, and most importantly, where can I buy Veronica’s blue velvet jacket?

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2) What happened to the cast Archie was wearing?

3) Why has it taken me 15 episodes of this show to notice all the name alliterations? Archie Andrews. Jughead Jones. Geraldine Grundy. Kevin Keller. Penny Peabody. I catch on quick, y’all.

4) If Luke Perry’s wallet is still missing, have they ordered a new debit card and switched all of their auto-pay bills to the new card number? Because that is a bigger pain than being shot. (I mean, probably. I haven’t been shot, but I HATE getting a new debit card.)

5) Where the heck is Polly? It is highly improbable that a super pregnant chick wouldn’t show up to a milkshake party.

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6) How did Archie get the blood stains out of his letterman jacket? I can’t even get pen marks off my husband’s shorts.

7) WHERE DID VERONICA’S DAD REALLY SEND SMITHERS!!

8) Why is Penny Peabody called the Snake Charmer? Creepy.

9) Does “Jingle Jangle” give you a sugar high? Because it looked like those kids were eating pixy stix. You know, before the masked man SHOWED UP AND COMPLETELY BLEW THEIR BRAINS OUT. (I am not ok. I am not ok.)

10) Seriously. Smithers. WHERE IS HE HIRAM?

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 1)

Riverdale fancies itself a teen melodrama with a side of murder mystery. It’s not Emmy worthy, but it *does* leave me with a lot of questions. Here are ten I wrote down after last night’s season 2 premiere.

(Why is a 30 year old woman watching a teen mystery drama? That’s not one of the questions, so shhh.)

1) Why does the entire town look like it’s stuck in 1955? Including the creepy and terrifying hospital. We’ve got a definite Pleasantville vibe going on. *shudder*

2) When did Cole Sprouse become so attractive? I’m not trying to go full Miss Grundy, but I just need everyone to know: I came for Luke Perry, but I stayed for Jughead on a motorcycle.

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3) Did Cheryl and her mom kill her dad and make it look like a suicide?! WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN THE BARN CHERYL.

4) Where is Luke Perry’s wallet?!

5) Why did Miss Grundy only move one town over? She is so stupid.

6) Is the masked man the only person in Riverdale with green eyes? It’s hardly an identifying factor.

7) Why does Betty keep telling her mom stuff? “I almost had sex with Jughead but then he put on a Southside Serpents jacket.” BETTY SHUTUP.

8) How does Cheryl’s lipstick never get on her teeth?

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9) Are Veronica’s parents good or bad?

10) Why can high school kids eat hamburgers, French fries and milkshakes galore and STILL not get fat?

Life’s not fair.

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 2

My apologies for the blog being late this week, I was a bit busy. A) I got sucked into a rewatch of Gilmore Girls, Season 2 (am I the only one who thinks Milo was way cuter when he was younger?) B) I spent like half a day in Target buying a velvet ottoman and C) there were a BILLION dances to review! I mean, I love DWTS as much as the next white girl, but FOUR hours in one week is a big commitment y’all. Let’s not do this full 2-night thing again. It’s exhausting. I combined Ballroom Night & Latin Night into one review because no normal human could organize this mess.

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13. Barbara Corcoran & Keo (Tango, 17 out of 30)

If anyone deserves the #1 spot in the power rankings this week, it’s Keo’s VELVET SUIT! Slay boy. Slay.

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Barbara is presh and when she said she didn’t want people to laugh at her, ugh, I almost started crying. Unfortunately, Barbs only got to dance once this week because she was eliminated Monday night. I kind of wish they would have Shark Tanked her by saying something like, Barbs, you’re a horrendous dancer “and for that reason, you’re out.”

12. Debbie Gibson & Alan (Quickstep, 20 out of 30) & (Argentine Tango, 21 out of 30)

Why did I think her name was spelled Debi? I could have SWORN it was. Are we sure they didn’t change it? Anyway, she got kicked off Tuesday night, so while I may have learned to spell her name correctly, it doesn’t really matter. Oops.

11. Nick Lachey & Peta (Foxtrot, 19 out of 30) & (Argentine Tango, 19 out of 30)

Meh. Nick looks super awkward when he dances and I don’t have much faith in his ability to get better. His Argentine Tango was good though, the judges scored him too low.

10. Nikki Bella & Artem (Waltz, 21 out of 30) & (Samba, 18 out of 30)

I have no idea where to put Nikki in the rankings. I feel like my dislike of her as a human influences my ranking ability. I thought her waltz was boring and her samba was just bad. I don’t understand her. She’s a self-proclaimed tomboy who wears skimpy clothes and parades around throwing men on the ground for a living, but she was nervous about doing a sexy dance? This is why men can’t understand women. We make no sense.

9. T.O. & Cheryl (Foxtrot, 20 out of 30) & (Samba, 19 out of 30)

MY GRACIOUS that Magic Mike move!! Wide-eyed emoji. See, I told y’all T.O. was not that bad! Granted, he has a bit of an attitude problem, but when he admitted he watches Drew on Property Brothers, I lol’d.

8. Drew Scott & Emma (Quickstep, 20 out of 30) & (Rumba, 21 out of 30)

I hate when they show injuries right before people dance. I can’t even focus on the dance because I’m just waiting for a leg to snap. I agree he is “gangly” as the judges said, but the dude can’t help it. He’s like 6’4” 150 pounds! (Idk if this is true.) But the spray tan killed me. Hahahaha so funny.

7. Sasha Pieterse & Gleb (Viennese Waltz, 23 out of 30) & (Rumba, 22 out of 30)

I’m having an issue with Sasha as well. She seems likable and I think she’s a good dancer, but her dances are… boring? Forgettable? Whatever the opposite of memorable is, that’s what her dances are.

6. Derek Fisher & Sharna (Foxtrot, 19 out of 30) & (Paso Doble, 19 out of 30)

I’M SO HAPPY HIS MOM WAS THERE!!! We need to get this woman on as a judge, she knows her stuff. I like Derek and I like his dances, but he’s gonna have to make some big improvements if he wants to stick around.

5. Victoria Arlen & Val (Tango, 24 out of 30) & (Rumba, 20 out of 30)

My favorite part of Val being a pro is when he gets in verbal disagreements with Len. I WANT MORE. MORE! In related news, it was Victoria’s birthday and Taylor Swift sent her flowers, which would be really sweet if T. Swift wasn’t taking over the world.

4. Vanessa Lachey & Maks (Foxtrot, 24 out of 30) & (Salsa, 23 out of 30)

Ok, Vanessa is WAY better than Nick. I thought I wouldn’t like her. You know, because I tend to be a bit judgy of socialite/model/actresses who host TRL (show me your shocked face) but this girl is winning me over! She is really funny too. I almost picked her for my fantasy league next week, but I decided to stick with these three…

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3. Lindsey Stirling & Mark (Quickstep, 21 out of 30) & (Salsa, 24 out of 30)

Watch: QuickstepSalsa

Lindsey is adorable and she looks like a freakin pro out there, but that caterpillar/butterfly stage design was just too much, guys. It looked like a ride at Disney World. You know who she kind of reminds me of? Penny from Dirty Dancing. Just watch, you’ll see it.

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2. Frankie Muniz & Witney (Tango, 23 out of 30) & (Cha Cha, 25 out of 30)

Watch: Tango / Cha Cha

I LOVE this dude. Agent Cody Banks gave me 48 points this week in the fantasy league. (I mean, I think. I don’t really know how it works.) With the first 9 of the season, this kid is going places. Y’all better not have slept on my fantasy advice last week!! HOLLLLLLA. Maybe I should start sports gambling…

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1. Jordan Fisher & Lindsay (Viennese Waltz, 24 out of 30) & (Samba, 24 out of 30)

Watch: Viennese Waltz / Samba

Jordan is just ridiculously good. Like insanely, incredibly, RIDICULOUSLY good. He did point his toes weird on that samba, I gotta agree with Len, but this power couple is UN-stoppable. You know, unless no one votes for them. SO VOTE FOR THEM. AHHHHHHHH.

This week’s double elimination: Barbara & Debbie, not Debi. 

An Unpopular Opinion… Why Tim Riggins should have REALLY ended up with Becky.

SOMEONE at the great state of Netflix has decided to pull Friday Night Lights off the flipping internet at the end of this month. It’s a decision for which they should be drawn and quartered, but nevertheless, it’s happening. So I spent this week saying goodbye to the whole squad: Coach Taylor, Matt & Julie, Lyla, and of course, the beautiful Tim Riggins. FNL actually ended pretty well, except for *one* minor detail. Tim Riggins gets his GORGEOUS piece of #TexasForever property, starts to build a house and we’re left to believe that one day, he and TYRA end up together. C’MON MAN. This is just lazy! For a myriad of reasons, she was never right for him (the least of which is their siblings being married #redneck.) Furthermore, LYLA was never right for him either. It should have been me Becky and I intend to convince you why.

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One. From the beginning of this show, Tim and Tyra are at each other’s throats. They come from the same side of the tracks, but are they really even friends? They’re stuck in a toxic, volatile relationship, bringing out the absolute worst in each other and we’re supposed to believe that they magically fall back in love and all this time were destined to be soulmates? Uh uh. NOPE. Tyra says in the finale that she’s loved Tim since she was 5 years old (which was NEVER brought up until now, btw. Convenient.) but I’m sorry honey, to the rest of us, it just looked like he had some muscle-y, long haired hold over you. That ain’t love.

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Two. Everyone knows that Tim loved Lyla. I mean, LOVED Lyla, but she was too good for him. She wanted more of out life than small town Texas (no offense, Tejas) and Tim couldn’t give it to her. For awhile it seemed like Lyla could make Tim into a better man, but really it just made him feel inadequate and ultimately, he chose to be himself. (Mad props bro.) Maybe if Minka Kelly hadn’t wanted to leave the show, Tim and Lyla would have ended up together (which, I cannot lie, would have been a THOUSAND times better than the bogus Tyra storyline) but we all know Lyla would have been unhappy settling for a life in Dillon. It is *gut-wrenching* to watch her leave him on that bus, but they were doomed from the start. (Btw, what kind of crazy do you have to be to LEAVE Tim Riggins? SMH.)

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Three. Enter Becky. Now, I know that she’s younger than Tim and there’s that little awkward situation where he slept with her mom… BUT JUST LISTEN for a second. She was his cheerleader! She adorrrrred him and believed in him when no one else did. He was basically left as her only adult supervision because her mother is a sucky flake, and he takes REAL care of her. He gives her his ONE prized possession when he goes to prison AND this is the kicker, THEY SHARE AN ADORABLE DOG. I mean, seriously people. Also, he punched Billy in the face for letting her waitress at a strip club. I’m happy that Becky did the high school thing and dated Luke, but when she’s 22 and Tim Riggins is 25 they are gonna realize they were SO stupid. You know, if they were real people and this actually mattered at all.

SO. To sum up: Tyra doesn’t push Tim to be a better man, Lyla makes him feel like he’s never good enough, but somehow Becky pushes him and accepts him all at the same time. He treats her so kindly that it shows us he really is a good guy… You know, despite his alcoholism and stint in prison.

Listen, you don’t have to agree with me, but I’m right. Texas Forever, y’all.

(This has been the first installment of my many unpopular opinions. Tune in next time to hear why the ending of How I Met Your Mother left me in a fit of rage.)

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 1

Dear Long Lost Readers,

I took the summer off from blogging because, let’s be for real, summer TV is the WORST. And why is that? It’s like they expect us to actually go outside or something. Sir, it’s 1000 degrees here, THROW ME A BINGE WATCHING BONE. Basically, I’ve been sitting around since May, watching reruns of Dawson’s Creek and these semi-entertaining shows:

The Sinner. Jessica Biel is just SMOKIN hot (you go, JT) but this show lowkey terrifies me. Tomorrow night is the last episode and I think we can all admit we’re just ready for it to be over. *shudder*

Suits. Summer TV’s redeeming quality was finally seeing that #DARVEY kiss we spent 7 years waiting on. And was it worth it? I mean, kinda. The real payoff will come when Harvey initiates a kiss with Donna, which will coincidentally also be WHEN I DIE FROM SHEER HAPPINESS, but that probably won’t be for another 7 years because this ship is the slowest of slow burns.

Riverdale. I’d be lying if I wasn’t *slightly* embarrassed to have binge watched such an outlandish teen melodrama, but LUKE PERRY is in this show. So all y’all can shut it because I would watch that man watch paint dry. #Dylan4ever

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Also, seeing Cole Sprouse all grown up (and not entirely unattractive) caused me to realize I still remember most of the words to The Suite Life of Zack & Cody theme song. Which I watched because I have a younger brother. Not because I was in college and the Disney Channel made really great TV shows.

Needless to say, fall couldn’t get here fast enough and we finally kicked it off last night with DWTS! This season, I vow to say “Dancing With the Stars” instead of “Dancing With People You’ve Heard Of” because actually, this celebrity lineup is a solid B+. There are people who are recognizable in public, y’all. We have come so far. The only problem is that none of these guys are truly terrible dancers (aside from Barbs) so ranking them each week is going to be pretty hard. But don’t worry, I’m still gonna give it the old mediocre college try.

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As stated with last year’s Power Rankings, each week I will post my ranking of each couple that probably won’t coincide with the judges scores because A) I’m biased and B) there’s a large list of reality TV stars that I hate. Additionally, each ranking will be accompanied by unnecessary commentary because that’s just who I am as a person. Let’s get started.

13. Barbara Corcoran & Keo (Salsa, 14 out of 30)

O.M.G. I had NO idea that Barbara was this crazy. Has she ever once shown that personality on Shark Tank?! Shake Your Money Maker had me in stitches. I hope she’s not the first one voted off because even though her dancing is horrendous, her jokes are (fire emoji).

12. Debi Gibson & Alan (Foxtrot, 17 out of 30)

The only thing I really have to say about Debi is that someday I hope to be as rail thin as she is and God bless her, because Lyme disease sounds awful.

11. T.O. & Cheryl (Cha Cha, 15 out of 30)

I thought T.O.’s dance was good! Then he got reamed by the judges and I felt kinda bad for him. He’s not that bad, is he?

10. Sasha Pieterse & Gleb (Cha Cha, 18 out of 30)

Slutty Gleb is back! I feel like Sasha has a lot of potential but this dance did not match the music at all, people. Sorry bout cha.

9. Drew Scott & Emma (Foxtrot, 16 out of 30)

Ok, so he was a little awkward, but I thought he did well! I do wonder if he will stay on the show past his dancing ability because there HAS to be a huge voting crossover of women who watch HGTV and DWTS, right? Speaking of, did you guys know Joanna Gaines is getting a line at Target? Could I be more basic suburban housewife right now?

8. Nick Lachey & Peta (Cha Cha, 18 out of 30)

How did I not realize that 98 degrees never danced?? Nick did fine, but I’ll be honest, it was really hard for me to watch him because I was literally staring at Peta’s abs the entire time. How old is her baby?! #goals

7. Nikki Bella & Artem (Tango, 20 out of 30)

Look, I’m gonna say this in the nicest way possible. It’s a good thing they didn’t team up Nikki with Slutty Gleb or else this show would have to move to another network. And I don’t mean to sound all high and mighty, but why is female wrestling even a thing? Ew.

6. Vanessa Lachey & Maks (Cha Cha, 21 out of 30)

I didn’t know this chick was funny either! She has more rhythm than Nick. She will def beat him and let’s hope it’s before they run this marriage competition shtick into the ground.

5. Victoria Arlen & Val (Cha Cha, 19 out of 30)

Sooo Victoria already made me cry and Val was sneakyyyyyy with that choreography. It was so slow in the beginning, you were like oh man, this is it, isn’t it? This is the best she can move her legs. And then it was like JUST KIDDING I CAN MOVE MY LEGS FASTER THAN ANY OF YOU SLOBS ON YOUR COUCH RIGHT NOW. You go, V. (Also, I say “V” now because I’ve been watching Riverdale. STOP JUDGING ME IS LUKE PERRY DEAD OR NOT)

4. Frankie Muniz & Whitney (Foxtrot, 19 out of 30)

If you’re playing in the DWTS Fantasy League (and who isn’t?) Agent Cody Banks is a clutch sleeper pick. He is so much better than I expected! I also laughed so hard when Whitney said, “Some people are weird about that, they’re like ‘don’t call me Carlton,’” as she stares directly into the camera. All the crying laughing emojis. (Related: Is Alfonso Ribeiro like employed by DWTS now? Why is he always there? Does he have nothing else to do? Get a hobby, dude.)

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3. Derek Fisher & Sharna (Salsa, 18 out of 30)

Watch: Derek & Sharna’s Salsa

It is SO cute that Derek Fisher’s mom loves DWTS. They gotta let her come on the show. I’m putting Derek at #3 for the sole reason of his opening basketball dribbling ability. Listen, I played point guard in the 6th grade and dribbling is hard. The rest of the dance needed some work, but this dude’s got star power.

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2. Lindsey Stirling & Mark (Cha Cha, 22 out of 30)

Watch: Lindsey & Mark’s Cha Cha

I’m SO happy Mark is back! I had never heard of this Lindsey violin girl but my gracious, she. can. dance. and she seems really cute and fun! She definitely has a shot at the Mirror Ball, but I am most excited to see what insanely creative dances she and Mark come up with.

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1. Jordan Fisher & Lindsay (Tango, 22 out of 30)

Watch: Jordan & Lindsay’s Tango

Y’all know Lindsay is my favorite pro and I would vote for her even if her partner sucked. Lucky for us though, her partner is amazeballs, so I am just going to say this for the next 2 months: THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN.

DWTS, Power Rankings: Finals Preview

I’m calling an audible this week and doing a Finals PREview instead of a Semi-Finals Review, for one very important reason: The Chicago Cubs fanbase has totally screwed up the curve. So instead of talking about who deserves to win the mirror ball trophy, we should probably be talking about if David has enough votes to cause Normani or Rashad to lose. FREAKING-OUT-EMOJIS.

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4. David Ross

You don’t have to know me for very long to learn I’m a big sports girl. One look at my Twitter feed and you’ll see ALL.THE.SPORTS along with an irrational love of Rickie Fowler, which technically still falls under sports. To understand David making The Finals, you have to understand baseball, the World Series and a 108 year drought. ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT YEARS. There are generations of insanely grateful Chicago Cubs fans asking themselves how they could ever repay this guy for making their sports dreams come true and do you know how they’ve decided to do it? BY DOMINATING THE DANCING WITH THE STARS POLLS. And the judges don’t help. Their shock when Simone got kicked off, instead of David, just reeked of melodrama. I hope they come up with a new way to say “America loves you, but we still think you suck” because I’m getting tired of hearing “you’re the heart of this competition.” Giant eye roll.

David’s scores from the Semi-Finals: 

Judges Challenge Round, Julianne: Foxtrot (34 out of 40)

Watch: Tango (36 out of 40)

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3. Simone Biles

First things first, that glitter bra Simone wore was KILLER. Now, about her performance this season: I thought overall the judges were unfairly harsh on her. Look at how this week it took her just a few minutes with Carrie Ann to understand how to “act out” the characters in the dance and make small facial adjustments. If someone had showed her that in Week 2, alllllll this stupid drama could have been avoided and honestly, she probably would have won. They expected more from her than the other celebrities and IMO, they pushed her too hard. If an Olympic medalist breaks down crying and says it’s too hard, THEN IT’S TOO FREAKING HARD PEOPLE. I’m glad she ended up with two perfect scores and went out with a bang. She was the star of last week’s episode…well, her and Normani’s grandma but more on that later. Also, did that balance beam in her last dance make anyone else start crying and chanting USA! USA! USA!? We love you Simone! Thanks for everything. #TheFinalFive

Simone’s scores from the Semi-Finals:

Watch: Judges Challenge Round, Carrie Ann: Jive (40 out of 40)

Rumba (40 out of 40)

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2. Rashad Jennings

I LOVE to watch Rashad dance, but could never fully put my finger on why. When the judges explained that usually female pro’s have to “back lead”, I realized that Emma doesn’t do that with Rashad. He’s so amazing to watch because he leads like a man is supposed to in ballroom dance. Unfortunately, he comes in second for me because he hasn’t shown he can consistently dance the best each week and consistency is key. My husband claims he can play basketball as good as LeBron *sometimes*, he just can’t do it consistently. (Obviously this is a joke. I mean, no, he actually said it, but it’s not true. Sorry hunny.) I didn’t know much about Rashad before this season, but I REALLY like him now and somebody in the NFL better give him a job or I will cry. Also, only Bruno would call a football player a “sportman.” That’s so embarrassing.

Rashad’s scores from the Semi-Finals:

Watch: Judges Challenge Round, Bruno: Rumba (38 out of 40)

Quickstep (39 out of 40)

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1. Normani Kordei

At the start of this season, I mentioned that I once called Fifth Harmony slutty on Twitter and their psychotic harem of fans annihilated me. I’m ashamed to admit that each week you’ve all been witnesses of my journey to become an official member of the Harem. (Well, all 4 of you who read this blog. Hi mom!) I’m not saying I’m gonna buy tickets to a Fifth Harmony concert or anything (btw, did you know there are only 4 of them now? Yeah, I wikipedia’d them. Don’t judge me.) but Normani has won me over. She has been the best and most consistent dancer week after week and she deserves to win the mirror ball. Let’s just hope it doesn’t over-inflate Val’s already giant ego. Have you ever watched his Insta-stories? The man’s got abs, no doubt, but a story of you dancing alone, shirtless, is kinda weird. I’m totally still going to watch them, but it’s weird.

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And finally, about Normani grandmama. IDK why Val looked so shocked when she macked down on him on national television after he said: “First of all, Barbara’s already taken and she’s mine.” DON’T PLAY WITH OLD LADIES’ HEARTS VAL- said Normani’s grandma and American women everywhere.

Normani’s scores from the Semi-Finals:

Judges Challenge Round, Len: Viennese Waltz (36 out of 40)

Watch: Jazz (40 out of 40)

Don’t forget to tune in Monday & Tuesday night for the two-part finale to find out if the Chicago Cubs pull off another miracle! #GoCubsGo

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 8

Ok, so I had a *small* outburst last week. I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed eleven cookies in the VCR, because this week, DWTS completely redeemed itself! Pro pick was an awesome idea and I’m a big fan of laced-with-sexual-innuendos-Trio night. (I’m a fan of the trio DANCES, guys. Not the innuendos. Get your mind out of the gutter.) I’m ranking the dances separately because it was too much work to combine them and let’s be for real: I mail this in every week.

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Individual Dances: 

5. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Argentine Tango (30 out of 40)

Dude. Len takes it too far. #amiright? I mean, it’s like when Mr. Darcy said this to Elizabeth: “Your good opinion is rarely bestowed and therefore, more worth the earning” HE WAS ACTUALLY TALKING TO LEN! I *think* Len’s intent was to reprimand America (thanks bro), but it came off as downright insulting to Bonner. In other news, Sharna could dance around a freaking stick and I would watch it. She’s amazing.

4. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Jive (36 out of 40)

Sorry Rashad, I hate to put you this low, but this jive wasn’t great. Although, it made me tired just watching it, so I better not hear any NFL teams say this dude isn’t in shape.

3. Simone Biles & Sasha, Foxtrot (36 out of 40)

Ahem. I have written a strongly worded essay for the judges: GET OFF SIMONE FOR SMILING SO MUCH. MAYBE SHE IS A HAPPY PERSON WHO HASN’T BEEN JADED BY LIFE LIKE YOU OLD YOTCHES. I AM SO GLAD SHE STOOD UP FOR HERSELF AND FOUGHT BACK AGAINST YOU SAVAGES. Also, I really liked your dress, Julianne.

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2. David Ross & Lindsay, Waltz (36 out of 40)

Watch: David’s Waltz to “Humble and Kind”

If your dance makes me cry, you get bumped up. This waltz was perfect. It was adorable, and sweet, and humble, and kind. (See what I did there?) It was precious to see Lindsay pick that song for him and I know his family is super proud of him. (No seriously, I actually know that they are because his grandma goes to church with my grandma. THAT is some 6 degrees of separation.)

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1. Normani Kordei & Val, Contemporary (40 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Contemporary to “Freedom”

THIS.DANCE.WAS.KILLER. Once again, Normani totally deserved a perfect score and once again, I cried. I’m not big on “art”- like when I look at an abstract painting, I usually see something that looks like a kindergartener drew it, but I TOTALLY get the storytelling in contemporary dances. I think I was a beatnik in my former life.

Laced-with-sexual-innuendos-Trio Dances: 

5. David, Lindsay & Hayley, Paso Doble (29 out of 40)

Poor David peaked with the waltz. This Paso was bad. But he has such a good attitude about sucking! It’s refreshing. Also, he looked TERRIFYING at the end.

4. Bonner, Sharna & Britt, Jazz (28 out of 40)

I didn’t really think this dance was as raunchy as everyone kept saying. I’ve seen WAY worse on this show (Haaaave you met Gleb?) and furthermore, I adore any Texas oil money story you tell.

3. Simone, Sasha & Brittany, Paso Doble (36 out of 40)

Dude. Simone is PISSED at these judges. And rightfully so. They went from trying to give advice to improve her scores to just straight insulting her personality. YOU GO SIMONE. HAVE THOSE SAVAGE JUDGES WON ANY GOLD MEDALS? NO? THEN SHUT IT.

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2. Normani, Val & Alan, Jive (39 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Trio to “Feeling Alive”

Meh, I was underwhelmed by this dance, even though it was executed flawlessly. The best part was Bonner at the end and this awesome GIF I found.

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1. Rashad, Emma & Whitney, Argentine Tango (39 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Trio to “Dreams”

THIS DANCE WAS AMAZINGGGGGG. Hands down, Rashad’s best dance. KILLED. IT. It was a great concept too from Emma and Whitney for a trio dance. Also, the reason this next generation worries me is because Whitney thought Fleetwood Mac was a rapper. #facepalm

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Bonner Bolton & Sharna

America finally took Bonner out back and put him out of his misery. You’re welcome, Len.