Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 10)

1) Cheryl’s mom is a HOOKER?!????

2) Who is taking pictures of Archie? Is it the FBI guy?

3) Are FBI agents allowed to approach minors to be informants in their sting operations withOUT parental consent? This seems v unlikely.

4) Did the Southside Serpents ride to their new school together? How did they all end up walking in at the same time?

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5) Since the principal said no one could wear any gang paraphernalia, does that mean I have to take off my Southside Serpent sweatpants? BECAUSE THESE ARE THE MOST COMFORTABLE SWEATPANTS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. (Also, don’t judge me for owning clothes from Hot Topic. You want these pants. You NEED these pants. These pants are life.)

6) Why is Archie so trusting of COMPLETE strangers like this FBI dude? I swear, he is so dumb.

7) Could we get an outfit change for FP? Hard to look tough in that white shirt and bow tie, bro. (Hard to look hott, too, which let’s be for real is my actual issue.)

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8) In what world can you force only a certain population of your school to wear a uniform? It’s 2018, man. This has discriminatory lawsuit written all over it.

9) Since when did “Chic” become a nickname for Charles? And why is Betty’s dad against knowing the son? I’d like to start a rumor that Hal isn’t the real father. IT’S FP!! You heard it here first, folks.

10) What is up with Jughead? Why is he obsessed with snake metaphors? “Shedding our skin”…“Laying low in the grass”… Dude, it’s just a new school and *technically* it’s your old school. Come off it.

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Ok, actually I have 11 questions because THIS SHOW IS CRAY.

11) Why was Betty’s brother watching her sleep like that????????? Is HE the black hood?!? I think he might be too skinny to be the black hood, but I AM OFFICIALLY CREEPED OUT NOW. Nightmares to follow.

A Royal Running Diary: Victoria (Ep. 1 & 2)

9:02: Ah, beautiful intro music, I have missed you. Muah.

Part I

9:03: Wait, Afghanistan?? Have people just been fighting here since it was created? What is the British army doing? Please don’t say looking for al-Qaeda. Seriously, I have no idea what’s going on. What did they even teach me in high school? Oh right, calculus. SO helpful, thanks guys.

9:03: Victoria looks more comfortable holding her dog, than her baby. Uh oh.

9:06: Literally, the only servant storyline I care about is Skerrett and Francatelli. Give me Skerratelli, or give me nothing.

9:07: Why does a married woman have to be purified by the church because she had a baby? She’s MARRRRRIIIIIEEED. And all y’all wanna complain about women’s rights in 2018. Child, please.

9:11: Victoria is v excited to go back to work, but Albert has basically taken over the country. A classic case of maternity leave.

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9:16: That white dress Victoria wears in the nursery is just to. die. for. Ugh, so beautiful. Wait, why does Harriet have to leave? I thought Ernest had to go, not her. I like her! Oh and gross, this old cranky woman is her replacement? Kill me. Come back, Harriet!!

9:22: Albert and Victoria are fighting. He says, “Where are you going?” She says, “To the nursery. Isn’t that where you think I belong?” Ooooof. Marriage Counseling 101: Sarcasm is not good for fighting.

9:28: Oh great, the Family Von Coburgs are all in town for the christening. Joy. Albert and Victoria are still fighting. She throws stuff at him, and compares him to Lord Melbourne. (Oh girl, don’t do that.) Albert says he’s gonna sleep in his own bed until she recovers her reason. (Oh boy, don’t say that.) I gotta chime in here. Most of the time Victoria is petty and dramatic, but she has a point. Everyone is trying to baby her (pun intended) and even though they mean well, they’re treating her differently than they would a man. #feminism #yougogirl

9:37: SKERRATELLI!

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9:39: Victoria Adelaide Mary Louisa. Heart emoji. I wish people today named their kids like 17 beautiful names in a row. Instead, we’re stuck with random syllables people mix together so their child is “unique.” Eye roll.

9:41: OH SNAP. Ernest meets Harriet’s husband. Awkwaaaaard.

9:45: 4,000 men die in Afghanistan and two political parties sit in a room and yell at each other about it. (What year is it?) Albert keeps bringing up military helmets, but no one cares.

9:48: Victoria gets a letter from Lord M (EEEK!) and Albert tries to play the “writing to your old boyfriend is unconstitutional” card. We are never gonna fall for that, bro.

9:52: As is the plot with every episode, Victoria makes up her own mind and everything turns out for the best! This time, she boosts British morale by standing on a ginormous ship. Yay. She and Albert also make up because she still has 8 more children to birth.

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Part II

10:00: Albert’s family is on my nerves. When are they going home?

10:01: There’s a real live female mathematician! Everyone is so surprised!

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10:03: Wilhelmina has a crush on Ernest, it makes her face look like a strawberry. Poor little thing doesn’t know he loves hookers and married women. STAY AWAY WILHELMINA.

10:04: SKERRATELLI! Will these kids ever figure it out?

10:05: Lord M! Lord M! Lord M! Lord MMMMMMMMMMMMM. Be still my heart. Ah, all is right in the world again. NOW SHOW ME SOME ADORABLE INTERACTIONS YOU TWO. I AM READY. I love the way he says, “ma’am” to Victoria. His hair is more gray than it used to be and Uncle Leo says he looks “diminished.” I don’t like where this is headed. He leaves the party early.

10:15: Victoria’s knocked up again, people!! She is not excited.

10:16: Ernest is allowed to stay at the palace because Harriet went home. I hope she comes back soon tho because I’m getting bored with Ernest’s storyline.

10:18: Victoria is jealous of math nerd Lady Lovelace. Albert is jealous of Lord M and the next 30 minutes of this episode is one big fight/misunderstanding because Victoria won’t tell Albert she’s pregnant and neither one of them will reassure the other of their love and devotion. Seriously, marriage counseling. You two should look into it.

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10:24: As is the plot with every episode, Victoria lashes out. SHE’S GOING TO BROCKET HALL, Y’ALL. We’re as shocked as Lord M. His hair looks even more gray here. I don’t like this. I don’t like this one bit. Lord M always knows just what to say to cheer us up. He’s so supportive and respectful and encouraging and why did she marry Albert again?

10:32: Uncle Leo tells Albert Victoria’s pregnant and they fight again. DO THESE PEOPLE EVER GET ALONG?

10:35: LEECHES NOOOOOOOOO. What. is. happening. If they make me watch Lord M die I am gonna be SO UPSET. I can’t watch it, I can’t! This is the worst. I think I’m going to watch the first 5 episodes of season 1 again and just pretend this isn’t happening.

10:42: Victoria and Lady Lovelace bond over both wishing they had been born men. It’s hard out here for a pimp. Slash woman in the 1800’s.

10:45: And of course, Albert and Victoria make up because she still has 7 more children to birth.

Poldark Season 3 Fanalysis

Yours, Mine, and “Ours”: George, Elizabeth & Valentine

This season of Poldark started only 7 weeks ago, but I barely remember what happened at the beginning. It’s like an 18th century soap opera! Ok, right, Elizabeth has a baby. And she’s married to George, but errrrrbody know it’s Ross’ baby. The kid all but came out with washboard abs and long curly dark hair. Poor nine eight month baby had all of it’s fingernails too. (Is it true that 8 month babies don’t have fingernails? Could we get a preemie mom to confirm this? Cause it kind of grosses me out.) Also, Valentine is like the worst boy name ever, so besides being a terrible human, thanks for that too, George.

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100 Emoji: Aunt Agatha 

George’s worst offense this season (and man, the list is long) was easily his treatment of Aunt Agatha. He basically killed her. What kind of horrible person won’t give a 98/100 year old woman a birthday party?! Don’t worry tho, Aunt Aggie always gets the last word. THAT BABY DON’T LOOK LIKE YOU BRUH. She out.

Romeo & Juliet: Drake & Morwenna

Someone on Twitter voted these two the “Tearing my Guts Out Couple of the Year” so I have graciously awarded this to them. I was unsure how the addition of Demelza’s brothers would go, but I have absolutely loved it. Drake and Morwenna are my FAVORITE storyline this season. Their love is so perfect and sweet. I would say they are #relationshipgoals but no one’s goals should include being ripped apart and forced to marry a CREEPY HORRIBLE DISGUSTING RAPIST. Maybe instead of #relationshipgoals we can say “Find someone who brings you adorable love tokens like Drake brings Morwenna.” I don’t know how well that will hashtag.

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Sidenote: We HAVE to talk about Rowella. WHAT THE HECK IS SHE DOING. Is she really pregnant? She has a plan, right? She’s not timid and stupid like she pretends to be when she talks to the Vicar. (“I’ve written to the Bishop about my condition, to ask him to pray for me.” That’s laugh out loud funny.) But what is her plan exactly? Extortion, (dolla, dolla, bill y’all) but was she also taking one for the team so the Vicar would stop raping Morwenna? Can they get divorced now because Rowella is pregnant? What kind of names are Morwenna and Rowella anyway? WHY CAN’T DRAKE AND MORWENNA JUST RUN AWAY TOGETHER? I miss the days when Drake, Morwenna and Geoffrey Charles frolicked on the beach. Life was so simple then. Sigh. Speaking of…

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Boy Wonder: Geoffrey Charles

This kid is the breakout star of the season. He inherited all of the Poldark good qualities and none of the bad. He’s one of my favorite characters now and Francis would be so proud of him for standing up to George!! One minor detail in the kid storyline bothers me tho. So he’s older than Jeremy Poldark because Jeremy is technically the 2nd kid, but Geoffrey Charles goes from being like 5 to 10 and Jeremy Poldark is still 4! This kid hasn’t grown at all. Furthermore, his baby sister gets older but he still doesn’t! I half expected their next storyline to be that Jeremy has Rickets just like Valentine and it would prove they had the same DNA. DUN DUN DUN. But apparently, no, we are totally cool with passing off Ross’ kid as George’s. Everybody’s on board. Including Elizabeth’s Bible.

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Best Friends Forever: Dr. Enys and Caroline

Dr. Enys & Caroline are either like, the best friends in the entire world, or the worst. I’m pretty sure Dr. Enys knows something is up with “George’s” baby and he also knows Ross and Demelza had a really big fight approximately 9 months prior. Although, he has been suffering in a French prison, so maybe he forgot. They BOTH know that Hugh is after Ross’ wife and they’re kinda like meh, NBD. Talk about minding your own business. These two will take your secrets to their grave.

Three’s a Crowd: Ross, Demelza & Hugh Armitage

Am I the only one who thinks Hugh fell in love with Demelza ridiculously fast? This is some Disney Princess romance right here. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HER BRO. You literally saw her once when you got off the boat from your OWN suffering in the French prison. You probably would’ve told Prudie she looked like the Mona Lisa under those circumstances. This guy has some guts to openly pursue a married woman. He tells Dr. Enys! Ross’ best friend! I mean, I know you guys were besties in the French prison dude, but Ross is A1 since day 1. You need to find another confidante.

The worst part of this was Ross being SUCH AN IDIOT. He has done some stupid things on this show (and man, THAT list is long) but how daft can you be when your wife is literally telling you an EXTREMELY HANDSOME MAN is after her?! Instead of saying, “please don’t run off with Hugh, it will kill me,” he sarcastically retorts that Hugh’s probably not really interested in her anyway. THE POEMS AND PICTURES AND FLOWERS SEEM TO SUGGEST OTHERWISE, SIR.

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This is just a perfect storm of a disaster. Demelza has never been wooed a day in her life, Ross takes her for granted, HUGH IS GOING TO BE BLIND IN SIX MONTHS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD and yes, we all know this is because Ross kissed Elizabeth in the dang church but the moral of the story is this: Getting even isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, but you don’t usually find that out until after you’ve done it. Do you, Demelza?

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I’m considering moving to the UK so I don’t have to wait an entire year for Season 4. I mean, or I could read the books, but moving to London seems faster. Cheers!

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 6)

1) What is the weather in this town? Jughead wears a shearling jacket literally every day but now Cheryl is sitting outside in a bathing suit. BTW, this was a breakout episode for @CherylBombshell. She has officially become my favorite character without a Serpent tattoo.

2) Why is there a massive British flag hanging in the Ghoulies drug den? Are they like, originally from England? I don’t get it.

3) Can we get more screen time for FP, please? I miss him.

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4) When did Betty become a car mechanic? You really are an enigma, Cooper.

5) Did you guys notice all the Grease parallels during this street race? Betty’s outfit, the flames on the Ghoulies car, the way Cheryl started the race? (“Not today Cha Cha, I was born for this moment.” She is winning this episode.) I fully expected the Ghoulies car to have spikes coming out of the tires.

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6) Why did Archie think that sending the Ghoulies to jail for street racing would fix everything? This dude knows nothing about gangs. Pro Tip Archiekins: Watch The Godfather. Jughead is Michael Corleone and right now, you are a terrible Tom Hagen.

7) Has Hiram Lodge redeemed himself as a father? I mean, if your daughter tells you a boy tried to rape her and then you hire someone to run said boy off the road and subsequently put him in the hospital for months… I think we can call that a win for Crime Boss Daddy of the Year.

8) Is the Black Hood Sheriff Keller?? Who else would have access to get INSIDE the prison to shoot the Sugarman?

9) Is Sugarman one word or two?

10) So wait, everything is fine with “Hashtag Bughead” now? Are we just gonna pretend like that whole Toni thing didn’t happen? Or is this going to turn into “WE WERE ON A BREAK” Part 2?

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Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 5)

Before we begin, please join me in a moment of silence for #Bughead. (Tear.)

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Thank you.

1) Why did Betty decide to BFF it up with Archie again? JUGHEAD, you’re supposed to be confiding in JUGHEAD. Who cares what the black hood says. Ugh. I *knew* they were gonna break up. Distraught face emoji. #sendhelp

2) Have you guys seen The Good Doctor on ABC? It. Is. So. Good. but am I the only one who thinks Hiram Lodge looks exactly like Dr. Melendez? This is really confusing my TV brain.

3) How does Sweet Pea expect any of us to take him seriously when his name is SWEET PEA?

4) Does Betty not know that every single iPhone user is supposed to use the same default ringtone so when we’re all in Target we have no idea who’s phone is ringing? Actual songs for ringtones are so 2007.

5) Where did Alice Cooper get that romper?! YAAAAAS QUEEN. Slay. I hope she dresses like this forever.

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6) Could Betty BE anymore of a high school girl, sending her best friend to break up with her boyfriend? Rolling eye emoji. TELL HIM THE TRUTH BETTY.

7) If a serial killer asked you to go to an abandoned house, would you agree to go? NO BETTY, the answer is NO.

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8) Why was I a little bit happy when Toni kissed Jughead? I’m a terrible human.

9) Did Nick St. Clair get beat up worse than Jughead? I’ve never been hit with brass knuckles, but freakin’ high heels hurt, man.

10) Last and most important: Um, is Betty now guilty of conspiracy to commit murder?? #sendhelp

Friends vs. How I Met Your Mother

Let me tell you something I don’t understand. Why does Netflix keep removing shows? Isn’t the internet an infinite amount of space? You’re telling me that you can’t fit the new season of Longmire (which comes out Nov. 17 btw, #getexcited) ANYWHERE ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET without removing all 9 seasons of How I Met Your Mother? There HAS to be another way to do this. Listen, I wanted Jim McElwain fired, but I want whoever made the decision to remove Friday Night Lights, One Tree Hill and How I Met Your Mother left on a tarmac Lane Kiffin style.

HIMYM’s departure from Netflix has inspired (probably) the most important blog I’ll ever write: A definitive answer to the age-old debate of which is better… Friends or How I Met Your Mother. I mean, this is on the same scale as nature vs. nurture, people. (Note: Seinfeld is not in the discussion. Do not fight me on this.) If you’ve never seen HIMYM, and you decide not to sleep or go to your job for the next week, you can finish it before they take it down. If you’ve never seen Friends, what is wrong with you you better hurry before some Netflix employee, who thinks he’s omnipotent, decides to take it down too. For the rest of you TV junkies out there, I’ve settled the debate once and for all. Here are our categories:

Location: Obvs, New York City. You would think it’s a tie. But it’s not. The West Village is WAY cooler than the Upper Westside, even if MacLaren’s is slightly better than Central Perk. Agree or disagree, at least we all hate New Jersey.

Winner: Friends

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The Player: Barney Stinson vs. Joey Tribbiani 

While I can appreciate Barney Stinson’s ingenious ways to pick up women (as demonstrated in The Playbook) eventually, it just grosses me out. Sleeping with over 250 women? Spare me. Your boy *can* rock a suit tho. Joey Tribbiani’s no saint, but he’s so endearing (and stupid) that you kind of forgive him for treating women so terribly.

Winner: Friends

Pickup lines:

I’ve never really understood the obsession with “How YOU doin?” It sounds like what I imagine getting hit on outside Yankee Stadium would be like. No thanks. However, “Haaaave you met Ted?” is clever, shows camaraderie between bro’s and is just flat out funny.

Winner: HIMYM

Power Couple: Marshall and Lily vs. Monica and Chandler

Haaaaave you met Matthew Smeltzer? Because he’s basically Marshall IRL. So much that I use the hashtag #themarshalltomylily when I post sappy things about him on social media. Marshall and Lily’s relationship is insanely adorable. They’re best friends, they go through real life struggles and they are 100% #relationshipgoals. Monica and Chandler are best friends too and while they share some sweet moments, their relationship dynamic is just different. Marshall and Lily are a team. Chandler is on Monica’s team and MONICA’S TEAM ALWAYS WINS. Except for right now.

Winner: HIMYM

Watch: My favorite Marshall & Lily Moment A reminder for all of us to never let the love die. Go Hens!

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The It-Girl: Robin vs. Rachel

This isn’t even a contest. Rachel wins in a landslide. I’m not trying to say Robin isn’t a pretty girl, because she is, but let’s not kid ourselves. She’s no Ray Ray Green. Most of Rachel’s outfits are still in style 20 years later, an entire haircut was named after her and furthermore, the mother is SO much better than Robin. Yeah, I said it. And imma say some more. See below.

Winner: Friends

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Will They or Won’t They Couple: Ted and Robin vs. Ross and Rachel

One could argue that Ross and Rachel aren’t the world’s most perfect couple. Now, we can’t blame Ross and Rachel for this, because they are fake people, but I think the writers botched the end of their story. They *should* have shown Ross and Rachel both maturing after Emma was born, setting aside their past fights, and really growing into two people who have changed and want to be with each other. Instead, they were both still crazy immature and the writers shoved an ending in our face in like 5 minutes during the finale.

However, NOTHING the Friends writers did will ever compare to the insanity that HIMYM brought. I mean, WHO am I even supposed to be rooting for? Ted and Robin? Barney and Robin? Ted and the mother? The poor mother is supposedly the love of Ted’s life, but (spoiler alert) turns out she’s dead and he never stopped loving Robin! What the heck kind of show is this?!?!? The mother is literally my favorite character on HIMYM. I waited freaking 8 seasons to see her face and when I did, I was so happy, I cried. Do you know why? Because they spent 8 seasons building her up to near perfection and she did not disappoint in ANY way. She was flawless. She was perfect for Ted. He waited and waited and WAITED for her and then poof, she’s gone and years later he’s still in love with Robin? AFTER Robin chose Barney over Ted and AFTER she realizes she made a dumb decision (because, hello. 250 women.) THEN she wants Ted? After everything she put him through? No. I can’t. It’s just not right.

Everyone on the internet right now thinks Ross was too controlling over Rachel, because: #feminism, but I need some social justice warriors on this Ted and Robin ending. It’s terrible and I’m still mad about it. RIP Tracy. I will always love you, even if your savage husband doesn’t.

Winner: Friends

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Rewatchability: 

Both shows are addicting in their own way. The creativity of the jokes on HIMYM is unparalleled. It’s an incredibly well written show, but the jokes on Friends just never get old. On the 7th million rewatch, it’s just as hilarious and bonus: there’s a quote for every single life situation ever. I know this because I say them every day and people stare at me.

Winner: Friends

Life Lessons:

“So no one told you life was gonna be this way…” clap clap clap clap. Watching Friends teaches you that it’s ok if you don’t have life figured out. They deal with real issues but in a light hearted comical way. I feel like parts of HIMYM take a much more serious approach. The entire story was about Ted being stuck in a season of life that he desperately wanted to be over. They deal with waiting for a spouse and kids, losing a parent, infertility, career failures, divorce. Watching HIMYM is about learning to be happy in the waiting and knowing that someday you’ll realize those “waiting” times were a very important part of your life. You just didn’t see it because you were in too much of a hurry to get somewhere else.

Winner: HIMYM

Final Score: Friends 5, HIMYM 3

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Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 4)

1) Does anyone remember what Betty said in her speech at the Jubilee? I would’ve taken notes if I’d known it was going to inspire a serial killer.

2) Where did Veronica get those red circle shirts made in like a day?

3) ARE BETTY AND JUGHEAD GONNA BREAKUP?!!?!? It’s only been 2 days of separate schools and they are already keeping secrets and dodging phone calls. TBH, I’m more scared of this than the black hood.

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4) How did Betty not go full cash-me-ousside on Toni Topaz’s “maybe if you loosened your ponytail” comment? Oh girl, NO you did not.

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5) Is Archie going to be ok? Spray painting red circles on the Southside, pulling guns on people, getting Dilton Doiley stabbed in the leg. He has completely lost it.

6) Why is Hermione lecturing Veronica about “blind loyalty” when that’s the definition of her entire marriage? #parents. Eye rolling emoji.

7) Why are the most dramatic TV moments always accompanied by an intense thunderstorm?

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8) What did Hermione mean when she said “I told you Fred Andrews was going to be a problem?” What are these two planning?

9) How did the black hood get Betty’s cell phone number?

10) Is the black hood Betty’s Dad? I thought this a couple of episodes ago, because of the bags under his eyes. They look v similar to Betty’s Dad’s. Then I saw someone float the idea on Twitter so it must be right BECAUSE I READ IT ON THE INTERNET. (And if it’s not you, Mr. Cooper, you should really get some sleep cause seriously, those bags. Woof.)

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 3)

1) How in this world did Moose get shot from literally 5 feet away and LIVE? #Melodrama. But don’t worry, Jughead covered their tracks with the terrible aim joke. Crying laughing emoji.

2) What’s the difference in a ski mask and a black hood? I hate to point out the obvious, Mr. Murderer, but they look exactly the same. Is it just that one comes with precut eye holes and you had to cut yours out at home yourself? I legitimately don’t get it.

3) Was it just the camera angle or is Archie a whole head taller than Veronica’s dad?

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4) Is Polly really having twins? Has a doctor confirmed this? Or are we just taking Nana’s gypsy blood word for it.

5) Could they not come up with slightly more inventive newspaper names? “Blue and Gold” “Red and Black”…c’mon guys. Let’s at least TRY to be creative.

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6) Does Hermione Lodge love Hiram or is she mostly terrified of what he’ll do to her if she turns against him?

7) Why does the entire set of Riverdale always look foggy? Do they use a fog machine to achieve this?

8) Does Toni like Jughead? Is Betty jealous of Toni? (These are rhetorical questions because the answer is a total, duh.)

9) Is Veronica’s dad trying to get Archie killed by urging him to confront the hooded man?! That’s a high price to pay just for being taller than you, Padre.

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10) Is everyone ok from that fake out of Kevin getting stabbed??? Because my heart rate still has not returned to normal.

P.S. Shoutout to the man in the black hood for returning Luke Perry’s wallet! Thanks bro.

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 2)

1) First, and most importantly, where can I buy Veronica’s blue velvet jacket?

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2) What happened to the cast Archie was wearing?

3) Why has it taken me 15 episodes of this show to notice all the name alliterations? Archie Andrews. Jughead Jones. Geraldine Grundy. Kevin Keller. Penny Peabody. I catch on quick, y’all.

4) If Luke Perry’s wallet is still missing, have they ordered a new debit card and switched all of their auto-pay bills to the new card number? Because that is a bigger pain than being shot. (I mean, probably. I haven’t been shot, but I HATE getting a new debit card.)

5) Where the heck is Polly? It is highly improbable that a super pregnant chick wouldn’t show up to a milkshake party.

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6) How did Archie get the blood stains out of his letterman jacket? I can’t even get pen marks off my husband’s shorts.

7) WHERE DID VERONICA’S DAD REALLY SEND SMITHERS!!

8) Why is Penny Peabody called the Snake Charmer? Creepy.

9) Does “Jingle Jangle” give you a sugar high? Because it looked like those kids were eating pixy stix. You know, before the masked man SHOWED UP AND COMPLETELY BLEW THEIR BRAINS OUT. (I am not ok. I am not ok.)

10) Seriously. Smithers. WHERE IS HE HIRAM?

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 1)

Riverdale fancies itself a teen melodrama with a side of murder mystery. It’s not Emmy worthy, but it *does* leave me with a lot of questions. Here are ten I wrote down after last night’s season 2 premiere.

(Why is a 30 year old woman watching a teen mystery drama? That’s not one of the questions, so shhh.)

1) Why does the entire town look like it’s stuck in 1955? Including the creepy and terrifying hospital. We’ve got a definite Pleasantville vibe going on. *shudder*

2) When did Cole Sprouse become so attractive? I’m not trying to go full Miss Grundy, but I just need everyone to know: I came for Luke Perry, but I stayed for Jughead on a motorcycle.

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3) Did Cheryl and her mom kill her dad and make it look like a suicide?! WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN THE BARN CHERYL.

4) Where is Luke Perry’s wallet?!

5) Why did Miss Grundy only move one town over? She is so stupid.

6) Is the masked man the only person in Riverdale with green eyes? It’s hardly an identifying factor.

7) Why does Betty keep telling her mom stuff? “I almost had sex with Jughead but then he put on a Southside Serpents jacket.” BETTY SHUTUP.

8) How does Cheryl’s lipstick never get on her teeth?

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9) Are Veronica’s parents good or bad?

10) Why can high school kids eat hamburgers, French fries and milkshakes galore and STILL not get fat?

Life’s not fair.