DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 8

Ok, so I had a *small* outburst last week. I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed eleven cookies in the VCR, because this week, DWTS completely redeemed itself! Pro pick was an awesome idea and I’m a big fan of laced-with-sexual-innuendos-Trio night. (I’m a fan of the trio DANCES, guys. Not the innuendos. Get your mind out of the gutter.) I’m ranking the dances separately because it was too much work to combine them and let’s be for real: I mail this in every week.

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Individual Dances: 

5. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Argentine Tango (30 out of 40)

Dude. Len takes it too far. #amiright? I mean, it’s like when Mr. Darcy said this to Elizabeth: “Your good opinion is rarely bestowed and therefore, more worth the earning” HE WAS ACTUALLY TALKING TO LEN! I *think* Len’s intent was to reprimand America (thanks bro), but it came off as downright insulting to Bonner. In other news, Sharna could dance around a freaking stick and I would watch it. She’s amazing.

4. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Jive (36 out of 40)

Sorry Rashad, I hate to put you this low, but this jive wasn’t great. Although, it made me tired just watching it, so I better not hear any NFL teams say this dude isn’t in shape.

3. Simone Biles & Sasha, Foxtrot (36 out of 40)

Ahem. I have written a strongly worded essay for the judges: GET OFF SIMONE FOR SMILING SO MUCH. MAYBE SHE IS A HAPPY PERSON WHO HASN’T BEEN JADED BY LIFE LIKE YOU OLD YOTCHES. I AM SO GLAD SHE STOOD UP FOR HERSELF AND FOUGHT BACK AGAINST YOU SAVAGES. Also, I really liked your dress, Julianne.

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2. David Ross & Lindsay, Waltz (36 out of 40)

Watch: David’s Waltz to “Humble and Kind”

If your dance makes me cry, you get bumped up. This waltz was perfect. It was adorable, and sweet, and humble, and kind. (See what I did there?) It was precious to see Lindsay pick that song for him and I know his family is super proud of him. (No seriously, I actually know that they are because his grandma goes to church with my grandma. THAT is some 6 degrees of separation.)

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1. Normani Kordei & Val, Contemporary (40 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Contemporary to “Freedom”

THIS.DANCE.WAS.KILLER. Once again, Normani totally deserved a perfect score and once again, I cried. I’m not big on “art”- like when I look at an abstract painting, I usually see something that looks like a kindergartener drew it, but I TOTALLY get the storytelling in contemporary dances. I think I was a beatnik in my former life.

Laced-with-sexual-innuendos-Trio Dances: 

5. David, Lindsay & Hayley, Paso Doble (29 out of 40)

Poor David peaked with the waltz. This Paso was bad. But he has such a good attitude about sucking! It’s refreshing. Also, he looked TERRIFYING at the end.

4. Bonner, Sharna & Britt, Jazz (28 out of 40)

I didn’t really think this dance was as raunchy as everyone kept saying. I’ve seen WAY worse on this show (Haaaave you met Gleb?) and furthermore, I adore any Texas oil money story you tell.

3. Simone, Sasha & Brittany, Paso Doble (36 out of 40)

Dude. Simone is PISSED at these judges. And rightfully so. They went from trying to give advice to improve her scores to just straight insulting her personality. YOU GO SIMONE. HAVE THOSE SAVAGE JUDGES WON ANY GOLD MEDALS? NO? THEN SHUT IT.

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2. Normani, Val & Alan, Jive (39 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Trio to “Feeling Alive”

Meh, I was underwhelmed by this dance, even though it was executed flawlessly. The best part was Bonner at the end and this awesome GIF I found.

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1. Rashad, Emma & Whitney, Argentine Tango (39 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Trio to “Dreams”

THIS DANCE WAS AMAZINGGGGGG. Hands down, Rashad’s best dance. KILLED. IT. It was a great concept too from Emma and Whitney for a trio dance. Also, the reason this next generation worries me is because Whitney thought Fleetwood Mac was a rapper. #facepalm

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Bonner Bolton & Sharna

America finally took Bonner out back and put him out of his misery. You’re welcome, Len.

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 7

We interrupt this week’s Power Rankings to bring you a very important announcement: This season sucks. 1) These guys are like D-List celebrities. 2) America kicked off the chick who could dance the best (albeit, I am somewhat to blame for this) and 3) Most of the people left on the show suck at dancing. After this week’s double elimination (which I’m sad to say was the highlight of the episode) it’s barely even a competition anymore. OH AND ALSO, “movie night” was stupid. It wasn’t even real movies! It was just, like, genres. STUPID.

I did enjoy Mandy Moore (not the famous one) as a guest judge and it was about. dang. time. they let her be one. She choreographed the entire freaking movie of La La Land (which was phenomenal by the way) and they let Pitbull judge before her. TWICE! Eye rolling emoji.

Negative Nancy will now return you to your regularly scheduled blog:

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7. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Paso Doble (29 out of 40)

There was so much going on in this dance, that it was hard for me to watch Bonner. Which maybe turned out to be a good thing because his dancing was *really* bad. Bonner may love westerns, but he’s no Clint Eastwood. Or Raylan Givens for that matter. (Speaking of Raylan, I’d like to use this opportunity to run an ad for my Justified blog: Coming Soon!)

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6. Nick Viall & Peta, Argentine Tango (34 out of 40)

I don’t know what is the matter with these people because their dance was decent, but Nick and Peta both look completely miserable.

5. David Ross & Lindsay, Salsa (32 out of 40)

Oh. My. Gosh. I had to wipe tears from my eyes after watching David and Lindsay’s package. I’m not usually one to find bodily functions hilarious, but I laughed SO HARD. I give it 10 crying laughing emojis! Lindsay is such a good sport. The fact that she was totally cool with showing that on national television is exactly why I love her. Not to mention, it’s been all over the internet since Monday night and she is still laughing about it on Twitter. David’s dance was good this week, he’s way more fun to watch when he’s in his element, just being chill and having fun. (Nick and Peta could take a lesson from these two.)

4. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Tango (36 out of 40)

I really liked this dance! Unfortunately, it wasn’t because of Nancy, it’s because I’m OBSESSED with Pretty Woman. “These are broken, mine are broken.”

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3. Simone Biles & Sasha, Charleston (37 out of 40)

Watch: Simone’s Charleston

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This dance was great! That one handed cartwheel they did holding hands was super impressive, but Simone still looks like she’s just going through the motions. I guess it’s hard to shake that olympic gold medal muscle memory.

2. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Paso Doble (37 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Paso Doble

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Props to Rashad for writing that creepy story!! It actually totally freaked me out. I really liked this dance, but I’m a little bit afraid to watch it again. You guys are on your own with this link.

1. Normani Kordei & Val, Argentine Tango (40 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Argentine Tango

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I feel like halfway through every one of Normani’s dances I just say, my LORD, she can dance. It’s a good thing she won immunity this week. I’m unsure of how strong her voting fanbase is and WE CANNOT LOSE ANOTHER GOOD DANCER, AMERICA.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Nick Viall & Peta

Nancy Kerrigan & Artem

DUDE. How are David and Bonner still on this show?! I’m assuming the entire Cubs fanbase is voting for David, (they showed his dance during another rain delay Monday night) but who the heck is voting for Bonner? I find it hard to believe there’s a huge crossover of Professional Bull Riding fans watching Dancing With the Stars. I guess they have just won America’s hearts. That, or there’s a lot of desperate housewives watching this show. Which we kind of already knew.

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 6

OMGGGGGGG boy band night is the GREATEST idea this show has ever had. I award myself 40 points for my performance singing all of the lyrics. It’s a crime it wasn’t televised, really.

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8. Nick Viall & Peta, Jive (28 out of 40)

It’s almost impossible for a jive to look slow, but this one did. It was actually, kind of a disgrace to the Beach Boys. (Sorry, guys.) Bruno said it looked like a “jive with a sun stroke” and that’s not… NOT true.

7. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Paso Doble (33 out of 40)

In the middle of this dance, Nancy twirled her skirt around four dudes and it was the absolute best dancing she’s done on this show. I’m ready for her to be kicked off now, I’ve seen enough.

6. Simone Biles & Sasha, Samba (35 out of 40)

I’M A SURVIVOR, I’M NOT GON GIVE UP, I’M NOT GON STOP, WHAT, I’M GON WORK HARDER. Sorry, still singing a bit there. Simone seemed off to me and IDK how to dance AT ALL but when I watch this show and the people’s moves don’t match the music- I’m like, yeah. Timing. Somethin’ ain’t right.

5. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Rumba (30 out of 40)

I thought this dance was really good. The judges are killing him on technicalities. Len said it wasn’t his best dance, but I kinda thought it was? To be fair, I would give anyone dancing to the Backstreet Boys a high score. TELL ME WHY- AIN’T NOTHIN BUT A HEARTACHE.

4. David Ross & Lindsay, Argentine Tango (29 out of 40)

I LOVED this dance! Yes, the lift was a bit shaky, but I’m choosing to ignore that part. Also, no, I didn’t just love it because they danced to N*SYNC. What a rude thing to suggest. YOU’RE ALL I EVER WANTED, YOU’RE ALL I EVER NEEDED, YEAHHH, SO TELL ME WHAT TO DO NOW, CAUSE I-I-I-I-I I WANT YOU BACK.

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3. Normani Kordei & Val, Salsa (38 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Salsa to “When I Grow Up”

Ok. I’m not *judging* because I’m an official member of the Fifth Harmony Harem now, but HOW was ANY of this dance classified as a salsa? Len was right to give them an 8. I did the salsa with a 40 year old bus driver in Guatemala once and it.did.NOT.look.like.this.

EMMA SLATER, RASHAD JENNINGS

2. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Tango (37 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Tango to “Reach Out I’ll Be There”

The beginning of this dance was super awesome and Rashad is just killin’ it out there. I *thought* this was the best dance of the night. But then…

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1. Heather Morris & Maks, Rumba (40 out of 40)

Watch: Heather’s Rumba to “Waterfalls”

I’m not gonna lie, a big part of the reason she gets the #1 spot this week is because she danced to DON’T GO CHASING WATERFALLS, PLEASE STICK TO THE RIVERS AND THE LAKES THAT YOU’RE USED TO. This was the best rumba I’ve ever seen and somehow part of it was to a RAP?! Heather, Maks and this rumba deserved the first perfect score of the season. But then…

Team Dances!

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Girls: (34 out of 40)

These four are all such good dancers that I think the judges had too high of expectations for them. Their dance was SO content heavy. The judges were unjustly harsh on them.

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Boys: (33 out of 40) 

The boys video package was HILARIOUS, I wish I could watch it over and over. Their dance was pretty awesome and definitely entertaining. It wasn’t nearly as hard as the girls’ dance though.

When they announced that the entire boy team was safe, I thought FOR SURE Normani was in for it. AND I *JUST* JOINED THE DANGED HAREM! But then…

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Heather Morris & Maks

I was SHOCKED when Heather got kicked off and a little afraid that my bad mouthing her for six weeks may have negatively influenced America’s opinion of her. Oops. One more time, for old time’s sake: SHE WAS BEYONCE’S BACKUP DANCER. Nailed that rumba, tho.

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 5

Disney Night! and I swear, Alfonso Ribeiro is on this show more than Len.

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9. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Viennese Waltz, “Finding Dory” (32 out of 40)

There’s ALWAYS a drama queen each season and Erika is it. She really is a good dancer, but why she waited until Week 5 to actually TRY to dance is beyond me.

8. Nick Viall & Peta, Jazz, “Pinocchio” (34 out of 40)

Nick was right, this was totally emasculating. He should have refused to do it.

7. David Ross & Lindsay, Jive, “Cars 3” (29 out of 40)

It pains me to put David and Lindsay this low, but this dance wasn’t good. It was super fast and their scores were awful. We’re getting to that point in the competition where you have to blow the judges’ minds if you want to survive and advance. I think he’s getting discouraged. Sad.

6. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Tango, “Wreck-It Ralph” (30 out of 40)

I feel like the judges gave Bonner lip service and then completely lowballed him with bad scores! This tango was choppy, but his back doesn’t bend right because HE GOT THROWN OFF OF A BULL AND PARALYZED, remember?

5. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Foxtrot, “Beauty and the Beast” (32 out of 40)

Rashad is super inconsistent. Last week, he almost got a perfect score and this week, he’s fallen realllllllllly far down the rankings. I totally saw the same timing issues the judges were talking about, but seriously, that song has like no downbeats! It was impossible to keep time and is that even Rashad’s fault? Seems like a choreography problem to me. (Sorry, Emma.) Btw, the new Beauty and the Beast movie is AMAZING. Although definitely awkward to root for a young girl to fall in love with an animal, when it’s “live action.” Ew.

4. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Jazz, “Enchanted” (36 out of 40)

Nancy gets the highest scores with the least memorable dances. Meh.

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3. Heather Morris & Maks/Alan, Jazz, “Frozen” (34 out of 40)

Watch: Heather’s Jazz to “For the First Time in Forever”

I’m still gonna say it, but without caps this week because she is slowly winning me over: she was Beyonce’s backup dancer. I actually thought the judges were a bit harsh on her because this dance was good!

SIMONE BILES, SASHA FARBER

2. Simone Biles & Sasha, Contemporary, “Moana” (38 out of 40)

Watch: Simone’s Contemporary to “How Far I’ll Go”

I feel like Simone is stuck in gymnast mode. She does all the moves correctly, but she doesn’t really *dance.* This was the closest she’s come. Also, please enjoy this clip of my friend’s 3 year old singing “I am Moana.” You will not be disappointed. All the crying laughing emojis. I AM MOANA

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1. Normani Kordei & Val, Paso Doble, “Mulan” (39 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Paso to “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”

I can’t believe Normani is in jeopardy! I guess her Harem is too young to watch DWTS. They are probably watching… instead. Wait, what do young people watch these days? Man, I feel as old as Donny Osmond looked. Speaking of, this dang Mulan song gets me EVERY TIME.

We must be swift as a coursing river

With all the force of a great typhoon

With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

I just start crying while I’m belting out these lyrics because I can see Mulan finally making it to the top of that giant pole! YOU GO, GIRL! Seriously, Disney princesses really do make you feel like you can do anything. Thanks, Disney Night!

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Erika Jayne & Gleb: Good luck in your future slutty endeavors.

 

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 4

I think we’re all (wo)man enough to admit that Most Memorable Year makes us completely BAWL OUR EYES OUT. My gracious, I was sobbing three dances in! Also, it’s *really* hard to make fun of people for their awkward dancing when they bear their soul to you, but… I’m still gonna try.

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10. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Cha Cha (30 out of 40)

Slutty Erika and Gleb are back! Can’t say that I missed them, *she mumbles under her breath.* Len is right. She’s hit a plateau, but she’ll be gone soon, so no one cares.

9. Mr. T & Kym, Waltz (28 out of 40)

Four weeks in and I LOVE this man! He’s a Christian? He beat cancer? SO many things I didn’t know. Did you see his tear fall at the end of his video package? Well if Mr. T is gonna cry…

8. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Foxtrot (33 out of 40)

Nancy’s dance kind of bored me, but also, I couldn’t see most of it because my eyes were all blurry and fuzzy from crying. MOST MEMORABLE YEAR IS BRUTAL, MAN.

7. Nick Viall & Peta, Rumba (30 out of 40)

Some weeks, the music on this show is horrendous. Other weeks, we get a super cool acoustic version of Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You. Two thumbs up emojis. Julianne said this was Nick’s best dance and I agree. I could have lived without the make-out sesh at the end tho. Ew. We get it, you like each other. (For now.)

6. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Foxtrot (32 out of 40)

I had already cried all the tears (thanks to Rashad) by the time they showed Bonner’s story, so instead of crying I just held my hands over my gaping mouth for 3 solid minutes. I can’t unsee that neck injury. It was awful. I mean, up there with Kevin Ware’s leg and Bo Jackson’s hip. #SPORTS. As for the dance, I was very impressed. He’s not good enough to win the mirror ball, but hopefully he’s good enough to win Sharna… Ba Dum Tsh.

5. David Ross & Lindsay, Viennese Waltz (31 out of 40)

How awesome was it that they showed David’s dance on the jumbotron at the Cub’s home opener?! That HAS to be a first. His waltz was preeeeety choppy, but I LURVE these guys and I will continue to vote for them. Oh, and Len with the baseball signals? A thousand crying laughing emojis.

4. Simone Biles & Sasha, Viennese Waltz (36 out of 40)

Has anyone ever danced to a worship song before?? Simone danced great to Good, Good Father (as my husband and I loudly sang along) and she would have made the Top 3 this week if it weren’t for BEYONCE’S BACKUP DANCER.

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3. Heather Morris & Maks/Alan, Cha Cha (35 out of 40)

Watch: Heather’s Cha Cha to Shut Up and Dance

Ok, yeah she did good and I really liked this dance. Sue me.

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2. Normani Kordei & Val, Rumba, (32 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Rumba to Impossible

So, I didn’t know Fifth Harmony sung this song and I REALLY like it! Ugh, I am becoming part of the harem. Normani should have had a higher score, but Carrie Ann is SO ANNOYING WITH THE LIFT THING. Does anyone even know the rules??

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1. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Contemporary (39 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Contemporary to Unconditionally

I LOVE the contemporary dance, it’s so weird and… beatnik. This dance was beautiful. I cried a small amount during the video package, but then somewhere smack in the middle of his dance, I just burst into tears. By the end, when he hugs his father, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Rashad is a GREAT dancer. He deserves to win.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

I was much more sad than I thought I would be when Mr. T got eliminated. I feel like I lost my giant black grandpa. Can I say that on the blog? Too late. Here’s hoping next week’s show won’t require extra makeup to cover our puffy eyes!!

Dancing with the Stars, Power Rankings, Week 3

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Vegas Night! This intro was one of my favorites, ever, but I have a small problem with the song they chose. Bossa Nova?! Elvis sang that in Fun in Acapulco. MEXICO, people. Not Vegas! I am an Elvis connoisseur and that song is from the early skinny Elvis days, not the jumpsuit/sideburn/VEGAS Elvis days! So get your history right DWTS, because YOU COME AT THE KING YOU BEST NOT MISS. (I am also a connoisseur of The Wire.)

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Moving on. Week 3:

11. Charo & Keo, Foxtrot (24 out of 40)

Has she calmed down or am I just getting used to her insanity? This was easily her best dance and like, the calmest I’ve ever seen her. Btw, didn’t Elvis look smokin’ hott in that photo of them? #dreamboat

10. Mr. T & Kym, Foxtrot (24 out of 40)

I had a huge smile on my face during this entire dance! It was so nice to see Mr. T soft and suave. It’s like he’s America’s giant boxing grandpa.

9. Nick Viall & Peta, Tango (26 out of 40)

Nick seems like kind of a crybaby, but I still don’t understand why the judges hate him! They must have been Raven fans. He gets an A for effort in my book.

8. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Jive (26 out of 40)

Erika is a decent dancer, she wasn’t super slutty this week but I barely remember a thing from this dance. Total snoozefest.

7. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Charleston (24 out of 40)

Listen man, if Bonner can’t do the Charleston properly because HE GOT THROWN OFF OF A BULL AND PARALYZED, we will give him a pass. #amiright America? This dance was bad. I am rating him higher than he deserves because HE GOT THROWN OFF OF A BULL AND PARALYZED. (also, he’s charming.) Better luck next week, Bon Bon.

6. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Samba (28 out of 40)

Poor Rashad had a rough week too, and his panama hat was so promising! Sad! Samba is my favorite DWTS dance, so let’s take this opportunity to remember the best Samba ever. I LOVE YOU, SADIE!!! Sadie Robertson & Mark Samba

5. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Samba (33 out of 40)

Artem fangirling over Ricky Martin was easily the best part of this week’s show. Nancy danced REALLY well, and Imma let her finish, but Sadie & Mark had one of the best sambas of all time. Let’s watch it again.

4. Heather Morris & Maks/Alan, Tango (33 out of 40)

The best part of this dance was Heather’s outfit, because everyone my age is still like BRITNEY YASSSS QUEEN. Other than the toxic glitter, I continue to hate Heather’s dancing because SHE WAS BEYONCE’S BACKUP DANCER. They gave her the first nine of the season and I literally yelled at my TV.

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3. Simone Biles & Sasha, Quickstep (32 out of 40)

Watch: Simone’s Quickstep to Viva Las Vegas

ELVIS IS ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE RIGHT NOW AT THESE TRAVESTIES. Simone doesn’t know who he is, whoever sang “Viva Las Vegas” completely murdered it… Listen, is DWTS in the market for an Elvis expert? I am available. I could fix these things. As for the dance, I had to rewind my TV and watch it again because I was so distracted by the lack of Elvis decorum. I thought Simone did awesome, but the judges continue to score her soooo loooooow. Sigh.

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2. David Ross & Lindsay, Jazz (31 out of 40)

Watch: David’s Jazz to Candy Shop

OK. 1) WHY would they give him this song?? Lindsay handled it in the best way possible and David was SUCH a good sport. He’s super likable. 2) When he ripped his pants off to dance in his bedazzled underwear, literally the only thing I thought was, HIS THIGHS ARE HUGE!! #MLBcatcherproblems 3) His fake abs!! Crying laughing emoji. 4) Anthony Rizzo’s tweet had perfect comedic timing: “Speechless… and a bit horrified.” Lololol 5) David is killing it. He completely owned this dance and I hope he makes the finals.

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1. Normani Kordei & Val, Foxtrot (34 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Foxtrot to Big Spender

Normani looks like a freakin’ pro out there. That’s really all I have to say. Also, she is infinitely more likable than I ever thought a member of Fifth Harmony would be. Wait, am I becoming part of the harem?

Off the Charts: Derek & Julianne Hough

Derek and Julianne’s dance about their parents divorce was so ridiculously good that numbers aren’t able to contain their power rank.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Charo: HALLELUJAH PRAISE THE LORD JESUS ALMIGHTY.

Dancing with the Stars, Power Rankings, Week 2

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12. Charo & Keo, Paso Doble (26 out of 40)

Like I said last week, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN? Does she think she’s being funny? Because she is SO not. Thankfully, she wore that giant puffy red skirt so we didn’t have to watch her feet stomping around (incorrectly) the entire dance. I hope they’re giving Keo combat pay.

11. Mr. T & Kym, Paso Doble (22 out of 40)

Mr. T and Chris both made me so sad this week. They are giving 110% but bless their hearts, they just can’t dance. Can we please give them a participation trophy so I can stop crying? I do love Rocky tho.

10. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Cha Cha (28 out of 40)

Nancy’s dance was not super great, but SHE CAN STILL DO A SPLIT??? How old is this lady? Also, she’s so terrible in front of a camera that it makes ME nervous. She gives answers like I would if Erin Andrews shoved her microphone in my face.

9. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Foxtrot (28 out of 40)

The last thing Gleb needed was a partner trying to make him MORE slutty. (Eye rolling emoji.) This dance was awkward and icky. She did better than I expected though, so I’ll have to crucify her another week.

8. Chris Kattan & Whitney, Jazz (22 out of 40)

Oh hey, Carrie Ann, how about don’t tell a guy who had a broken neck “not to be so stiff.” A million exclamation points!!!!!! Sigh. I literally laughed through his entire dance this week. It was awesome and so so funny. I thought he was much improved, but man he looked so defeated by his scores, and even worse when he got eliminated. I’m still upset, I don’t wanna talk about it.

7. Nick Viall & Peta, Foxtrot (25 out of 40)

Once again, I don’t watch The Bachelor, but Nick and Vanessa seem a little fake. I thought he danced the foxtrot well, but the judges REAMED him. A FIVE FROM LEN!?!?!? Yikes.

6. Heather Morris & Maks/Alan, Jive (30 out of 40)

Heather had to dance with Alan this week because Maks is injured, but they won’t tell us exactly what happened. Stupid HIPAA laws. Anyway, it didn’t change the fact that I watched this dance with a huge scowl on my face. I hate this girl. It’s ridiculously unfair that SHE WAS BEYONCE’S BACKUP DANCER. (I will never stop saying this.) America should collectively decide not to vote for her. You guys in? Cool, thanks.

5. David Ross & Lindsay, Cha Cha (27 out of 40)

David Ross should get extra points for rapping Bust a Move on national television. A million thumbs up emoji’s, but the dance was kind of a let down. It pains me to write that, but it’s true.

4. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Viennese Waltz (29 out of 40)

This guy is SUCH a charmer. I actually literally screamed along with the audience when he almost kissed Sharna in the middle of the dance. Did you guys notice the HAND HOLDING in the package?! If they are just Katniss & Peeta-ing us for votes, I’m gonna be pissed. Also, I will admit, I’m a sucker for any Texas boy that can two-step. (Hey, my husband can two-step, get off me. #TexasForever)

Obligatory Tim Riggins Photo:

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3. Simone Biles & Sasha, Cha Cha (29 out of 40)

Watch: Simone’s Cha Cha to Burnin’ Up

This dance was REALLY REALLY GOOD. I liked it way better than her tango last week. The judges scored her low, she deserved more 8’s.

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2. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Viennese Waltz (32 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Viennese Waltz to Suffer

Ok, I REALLY like this dude. He has some SERIOUS swagger happening and he’s like, the definition of smooth. Also, my friend says that all of America hates whatever girl dumped him now. #sotrue

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1. Normani Kordei & Val, Cha Cha (32 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Cha Cha to Give Me Your Love

Normani and Val were in Japan all week and JET LAG IS NO JOKE PEOPLE. Somehow she nailed this routine (landing 4 hours before the show) but 5 days post-Hawaii, I still didn’t know what day it was. Between the Fifth Harmony Fan Harem and her actual dancing ability, she might actually win.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye: 

Chris Kattan & Whitney

I said, I don’t wanna talk about it.

Dancing with the Stars, Power Rankings, Week 1

My husband has, affectionately, changed the name of “Dancing with the Stars” to “Dancing with People You’ve Heard Of.” Only this season, it’s really more like “Dancing with People You Think You May Have Seen Once Before Somewhere.” This is out of control. Are there seriously NO celebrities left that want to be on this show? It can’t be THAT hard to find actual stars. When you guys see me on this show next season, you’ll all be like- hey, I think that girl writes a blog and got 50 people to like her Facebook page. We’ve seriously reached that level.

Each week, I will post my definitive power rankings for each couple that probably won’t coincide with the judges scores because A) I’m biased and B) there’s a large list of reality TV stars that I hate. Additionally, each ranking will be accompanied by unnecessary commentary because that’s just who I am as a person. Let’s get started.

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Week 1:

12. Charo & Keo, Salsa (21 out of 40)

You know that emoji with the wide eyes, straight mouth and slightly embarrassed blushing cheeks? That’s what my face looked like the entire time Charo was on stage. What is wrong with her? And why does her nose look exactly like Michael Jackson’s? I need ALL the gifs of Tom Bergeron pulling her back from the judges table. omg.

11. Mr. T & Kym, Cha Cha (20 out of 40)

Halfway through Mr. T’s dance it looked like he just decided to do his own thing. Bless him. “I pity the fool” who has to teach him how to dance, but at least she’s married to Robert Herjavec now and can comfort herself with her BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

10. Chris Kattan & Whitney, Cha Cha (17 out of 40)

I really enjoyed this dance because watching Whitney’s giant hair do the Roxbury head bob just killed me. However, I couldn’t tell where the funny bad dancing ended and the real dancing began. Apparently, the judges had the same problem.

9. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Salsa (24 out of 40)

A few questions. Who is this woman? How does she have so much money? And WHY was she sitting on a unicorn? I’m done with her.

8. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Cha Cha (22 out of 40)

Ummm, ok. We’re going to need parental advisories for these two. Between their “chemistry” and Sharna’s outfits… MY GRACIOUS. I didn’t even watch this dude dance because I was just staring at Sharna’s TINY shorts the entire time! Oh, but don’t get me wrong, I am stoked for this love affair. Please fall in love and get married. PLEASE.

7. Nick Viall & Peta, Cha Cha (24 out of 40)

I heard from people who watch The Bachelor (as I refuse to) that they think Nick is gay. I don’t really care either way (although his fiancé might) but maybe that’s why he can shake his hips so well. I was actually impressed.

6. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Viennese Waltz (28 out of 40)

While I was explaining to some 20 year old’s who Nancy Kerrigan is, I realized the whole knee-busting thing happened before they were born. Yeah. Let that sink in for a minute. She seems really sweet and her dance was good, but DWTS totally missed an opportunity to boost ratings by having Tonya on this season as well. (Btw, what percentage of time do you think Artem wears a shirt? 15?)

5. Heather Morris & Maks, Viennese Waltz (28 out of 40)

Listen, I don’t know who this chick is, but they shouldn’t let her be on this show. SHE WAS BEYONCE’S BACKUP DANCER. Julianne claims ballroom dancing is “very different” than what Heather was trained in, but that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. She literally got paid to dance. I mean, not as a stripper, but SHE SHOULD NOT BE ON THIS SHOW.

4. Normani Kordei & Val, Quickstep (27 out of 40)

Fifth Harmony is SO slutty. I said this once on Twitter and their little harem of fans annihilated me. I STAND BY MY STATEMENT, TWITTER TROLLS. As for Normani herself, she seems fine and did awesome on her quickstep. Definitely an early season favorite.

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3. David Ross & Lindsay, Quickstep (28 out of 40)

Watch: David’s Quickstep to Go Cubs Go

I LOVE me some Lindsay! For a middle aged white guy, David’s ability to dance impressed me. The only problem with this choreography was the baseball field outline on the floor. Either he hit from 3rd base (not allowed) or slid into 1st (which they teach you in freaking T-Ball not to do). Thumbs up to the dance. Thumbs down to the baseball.

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2. Simone Biles & Sasha, Tango (32 out of 40)

Watch: Simone’s Tango to Untouchable

Simone is cute, but I have to confess, it’s like one step down from Laurie Hernandez’s cuteness. Don’t you think? She’s an early favorite too because, not a shock to anyone, she can dance REALLY well. As for gymnastics, WE LOVE YOU, SIMONE. #thanksforeverything #merica

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1. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Cha Cha (31 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Cha Cha to 24k Magic

I’m putting Rashad first, even though Simone got a higher score because this was my favorite dance of the night. He absolutely KILLED IT. You can’t teach star power, and this dude’s got it.

Based on Week 1 dances alone, I’m rooting for David or Rashad to win the mirrorball trophy. Who do I think will actually win? Simone. Once a gold medalist, always a gold medalist.

Victoria, Ep. 8: “Young England” Recap

So. My FAB trip to Hawaii set me back on TV watching (whoops), but I’m FINALLY caught back up and I’d like to say thank you (mom) for your patience on my Victoria finale thoughts. First, can we take a minute to talk about how BEAUTIFUL the opening theme for this show is? It’s perfect. It’s soft and light in the beginning, but then grows strong and regal, just like Victoria herself. I have no idea what the name of this song is, but does anyone know if it’s on iTunes? Would I look like a complete idiot riding around in my car, belting out “HAL-LELUUU-UUUJAH?” Yeah, I thought so, but I just needed to get that out before the last blog. On to the recap.

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Baby Mama

It’s nice to know that the Queen of England is just like every other SUPER pregnant woman: Cranky. The whole squad’s back in town to wait for the baby to be born, but honestly it doesn’t seem that different than when we hashtagged #RoyalBabyWatch and stared at the 7 hour live stream waiting for Prince George to come outside…Does it? Ok yeah, it’s different, but mostly because everyone is sitting around WAITING TO SEE IF SHE DIES! How. Morbid. It’s crazy how real her fear of dying is. She is terrified, which is a huge win for modern technology because the biggest thing women have to worry about today is if things go according to their “birth plan.” Eye rolling emoji. Victoria demands to have a wet nurse (for which she would be CRUCIFIED on Facebook, btw) and her mom gets all judgy. Victoria sarcastically retorts, “She is not a queen. And I am not a cow.” Excuse me for just a minute. I’m ROTFL.

Assassination Attempt

Some baby-faced kid named Oxford tries to assassinate Victoria, only he forgets to put bullets in the gun. He claims the “Young England Society” is behind the plot, but it turns out he’s just freakin crazy and is acquitted by reason of insanity. While babyface is in prison, rumors spread that the event was orchestrated by wannabe-throne-stealing-Uncle Cumberland. (Apparently, he killed his dad, but still rules a country, so everyone’s super chill about it.) Victoria shows her maturity and her ability to rule as a FANTASTIC queen by backing the English Justice System (dun, dun) in their decision to acquit Oxford. In a confrontation with Uncle Cumberland she tells him, “I know I am a better monarch than you could ever be.” BOOM. Put that old fool in his place.

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Guess Who’s Back? Back Again…

Ernest rolls into town (note: not on a white horse) still clutching that danged handkerchief. He uses classic middle school tactics to get Harriet to admit she likes him back. He’s trying so hard to make us believe he’s SUCH a good guy now, because he didn’t try to sleep with the married woman he likes. He only made out with her. To this I have a Joey reaction:

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Exactly, Joey. Exactly.

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Baby Victoria 

A super pregnant Victoria eats candy out of a bowl balancing on her stomach and IT IS SO CUTE. She has a sincerely touching moment with Uncle Leo and I’d like to point out how HUGE of a deal it is when a pregnant woman shares her food. They’ve officially bonded. Victoria goes into labor in a scene that I’m pretty sure was toned down from real life, but still waaaaaay more real than when Aunt Becky popped out twins on Full House. Real talk tho: My eyes just started pouring out tears when she called for her mama. They don’t have the best relationship and Victoria is a stubborn, I-do-it-myself kind of daughter, but there are just times in a girl’s life when she needs her mama.

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It’s not a boy and Albert says, “We should call her Victoria, after a great queen.” I cry. And can’t wait for Season 2.

Victoria, Ep. 7: “The Engine of Change” Recap

“Your queen is sick.”

“We don’t say sick, we say indisposed.”

“Well, she is ‘indisposed’… out of her mouth.”

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Victoria’s knocked up! A room full of grown men applaud her for getting pregnant and it’s super weird. (I wonder if this happened to Kate Middleton?) Victoria’s mother tries to help her by instructing her to take it easy, have a spa day, watch some Netflix, but she won’t listen. She’s determined to keep working, and even decides to go on a trip. (Monkey covering his eyes emoji.)

Victoria is afraid of childbirth (hello, who isn’t.) but she doesn’t have the luxury of normal mommy fears. You know, like making everyone use hand sanitizer before they touch your kid. Instead, she has to choose a regent in case she dies in childbirth, but the kid lives. (Is this covered in What to Expect When You’re Expecting?) Her fears of dying are completely justified, since the sole reason she became queen was because her Aunt Charlotte died giving birth. Without hesitation, Victoria chooses Albert to be regent and all of British Parliament collectively loses it’s mind.

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C’mon Baby, Do the Loco-Motion 

Albert and Victoria take a trip up north and talk too much about trains. Apparently, the “technology” of a locomotive is like a freaking iPhone to these people. Robert Peel crashes the northern party and he and Albert start a bromance as they ride on the train. (Peel is the guy who took Lord M’s place as Prime Minister. Could it be anymore ironic that Albert likes Robert Peel while Lord M thought he was an idiot? I still miss you, Lord M.)

Victoria does what any hormonal wife would do and yells at her husband for such reckless behavior as riding on a train! (Pearls. Clutched.) Albert talks her off the ledge and convinces her to give modern technology a try. So while everyone wants her pregnant self lying in a bed, she instead, RIDES ON A TRAIN. If her mother thinks laughing is bad for the baby, we will need to conveniently leave this part out of the mini-vacay scrapbook.

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#RelationshipGoals 

Albert and Victoria are just straight relationship goals in this episode. Albert comes up with a little signal for them to do in public to say they love each other. Victoria is worried that Albert will no longer desire her post-pregnancy body. (Hold up, is this 1840 or 2017?! If this was happening right now, Victoria would be posting photos of her “Fit Pregnancy” workouts on Facebook. Chill, V. Albert is all about that bass.) Even though Albert and Victoria disagree, they always end up pushing each other to be a better version of themselves. #Marriage. Peel ends up going to bat for Albert with Parliament to approve him as regent and Albert and Victoria begin working as a team to rule the country. Awwww.

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No Ernest & Harriet

You may be asking yourself how people survived before they could stalk their forbidden love interest on social media. Apparently, it was by staring at a 2X3 TINY photo. Oh, what Harriet wouldn’t give for a public Instagram feed right now. Is Ernest coming back? I mean, this isn’t a Lord M kind of deal where they just WRITE HIM OUT OF THE SHOW, is it? (Don’t @ me, I know it’s history. I JUST DON’T CARE.)