Royal Wedding Recap

By popular demand, I have decided to write a Royal Wedding blog. And by “popular demand” I mean literally one person asked me to. (Hi mom-in-law! Waving emoji.) I am a royal family addict. I set my alarm for 5 AM and threw myself a royal watching tea party. (FYI: I invited other people, but no one wanted to come to a party that started at 5 o’clock in the morning. Shrug emoji.)

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If you don’t already know that Meghan Markle is a bi-racial, divorced, American and the Royal Family’s image is a FAR cry from what it used to be, then you need to go to google and just start at the beginning. This blog will be more along the lines of “She’s worn that outfit before.” and “Why do Princess Beatrice & Princess Eugenie always look so hideous.” Before we begin, I’d like to address the elephant in the room. 

Meghan’s family be CRAY. 

The Queen has just got to be rolling her eyes like THIS IS WHY FOR A THOUSAND YEARS WE DIDN’T LET YOU MARRY LOWLY COMMONERS. It was embarrassing for Meghan, but it was embarrassing for all of us. Come on, America. Act like you’ve been there before. The real winners here are the Middletons. Lookin’ PRETTY good with their common, millionaire blood right now.  

I heard that 29.2 million people watched the wedding on Saturday, but if you were asleep, because your priorities are CLEARLY out of whack, here’s what you missed. 

Hollywood Princess

7 years ago, also at the crack of dawn, I watched the guests arrive at William & Kate’s wedding, but I didn’t know who most of them were. Since Meghan was an actress, this was a star studded Hollywood event. Every 2 minutes I was shouting, IT’S GEORGE CLOONEY! OPRAH! IS THAT STRINGER BELL?! HARVEY! DONNA! SERENAAAAA. In true Hollywood fashion, I’d like to dish out some awards: 

 
Best Dressed: The Clooneys. Is it weird that I find George more attractive all gray? Aging well sir, you are aging. well. 

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Worst Dressed: Princess Beatrice. Is peasant chic in?

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Best Hat: I looked back through like 30 fascinators to try to give this award to someone else, but sorry, Amal Clooney won again. Slay, girl. Slay. 

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Best Dressed Suits Character: Gabriel Macht. Harvey Specter, how are you so adorable? 

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Most Insane: The Queen in lime green. Could she be anymore of a 90 year old woman? 

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Crankiest: Victoria Beckham. Like, does she think this pout is attractive? 

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Most Exhausted: Duchess of Cambridge. Poor Kate. This is the 4th time she’s worn this outfit. She’s got a 3 week old baby at home. She hardly looked up during the ceremony and I’m convinced she was asleep under her hat. 

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Hottest: Jessica Mulroney. The internet has dubbed her the Pippa Middleton of this Royal Wedding and sure, she may be hot, but she should have reached over and straightened that crooked veil during the ceremony. BFF 101. 

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Cutest: Princess Charlotte. At age 3, she has perfected the royal wave. Goals. 

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The Dress 

TBH, the dress was somewhat of a letdown. Here is the original sketch of it, but like, why didn’t it look like that in real life?! This sketch is GORGEOUS.

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THAT VEIL. 

The thing I DID love about Meghan’s dress was her veil. I am a sucker for a loooooong chapel veil. It’s so SO royal.

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Maybe she went simple on the dress to try to make the veil stand out? But it didn’t really work because the dress ended up TOO simple and the 53 unique flowers she had stitched on her veil to represent each of the 53 countries of the Commonwealth DEF did not show through on the TV cameras.

Sorry kids, but I gotta say it. Kate did it better. 

Soul Power Ceremony

That preacher had me in stitches. I was cracking up at the stuffy British facial expressions like WHAAAAT the heck is going on. Crying laughing emoji. Hey man, don’t invite the Americans if you don’t want some SOUL POWER. The choir that sang Stand By Me did so well, even though I made fun of their sway, because I mean, come on. Has any choir ever swayed at a royal wedding? It was hilar. 

The Kiss! 

It’s so awkward that there’s no kiss in a royal wedding. It’s like, Ok guys! Great job pledging your eternal love and commitment to each other, now literally show no emotion. Their first kiss outside the chapel doors was a perfect setting. These pictures are my favorite of the whole day. 

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Evening Reception

THIS DRESS.

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Ok, THIS is what we were expecting for the ceremony. I mean, not the whole sleeveless thing because that’s not allowed, but a sleek, sexy, modern, AMAZING gown. This dress is 100% Meghan. And driving to your reception in a top down E-Jag?! This couple just *radiates* cool. I only wish that normal humans could see photos from the evening reception. Like, just one! I only want to see one! Ok that’s a lie. I want to see them all. 

So I guess that’s it until the next royal wedding, folks. And by next, I mean 2045 whenever George gets married… Unless you guys wanna get up to make fun of whatever Eugenie decides to wear down the aisle in October. Let me know. 

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 13)

1) Am I the only one that noticed Chic’s tears turning into a half smile when Betty and Alice were fighting? What is this dude’s agenda?

2) Could Betty and Jughead BE any cuter? If you can’t confide in your boyfriend that you helped your mother dispose of a dead body… I gotta say, you’re just not in the right relationship, girl. #goals

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3) If Hal is the black hood, how does he justify sleeping with Cheryl’s mom? Didn’t he shoot Luke Perry for only *kissing* Hermione? My plot theory is developing some major holes.

4) Speaking of, are we ever going back to the black hood? I’d much rather that than the bizarre Chic thing.

5) Um, Betty? Not to ignore your nervous breakdown, but do you know where Cheryl got those shoes?

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6) How did Alice and Betty not notice the dude’s car parked across the street for TWO DAYS?? Um, hey, next time, maybe take a brief canvas of the neighborhood before you carry a dead body out your front door.

7) Are FP and Alice gonna finally get together now?! I mean, “get you a man that can dispose of a dead body with no trace of his teeth” Am I right?

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8) So wait, Hermione is the real mob boss? Hiram is just the front? Now *that* I can believe.

9) Omerta?! Ok, these Riverdale writers aren’t even TRYING to change The Godfather storyline. If they introduce a new character named Apollonia, I’m out. I can’t watch that chick get killed twice.

10) Whyyyyyy do we have to wait until March 7th for more Riverdallllllllllle? Ugh. Savages.

Oh, and one more thing. I’ve seen two articles online about the FP/Alice/Chic lovechild theory. Holla at cha girl- I started that. Praise hands emoji.

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 12)

I wasn’t able to post last week’s Riverdale questions because my actual life got in the way of my blogging life, so I’d like to say I am v sorry to all of my 7 readers. I still have one question from last week’s episode tho:

Do they let Hiram Lodge stand on a phonebook or something when he films a scene with Archie? Because I am TELLING YOU that dude is an entire head shorter than KJ. Google says they are only 4 inches apart, but that is 100% a high school basketball roster lie.

Now on to Episode 12:

1) BETTY!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON YOUR COMPUTER?! STOP IT STOP IT RIGHT NOW ALICE TAKE THAT DOOR OFF THOSE HINGES BETTY! NO.

2) Is Hiram supposed to be a mob boss? There’s no way. *I* could be a better mob boss than this guy. Also, mob bosses do not get in fights over cheese curds. Vito Corleone is rolling over in his grave right now.

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3) Did anyone else have an internal struggle when Penny the Snake Charmer came back? I was all: show me where Jughead cut off her tattoo! Wait no, don’t show it to me! LET ME SEE IT AHHHH

4) Why don’t the Coopers just get a divorce? They hate each other and Alice is in love with FP (at least in my mind.) Is it because Hal’s the black hood? You can’t cut him out of the show yet? Gotcha. Wink.

5) OMG I just realized- Is this confirmation scene about to go the way of the baptism scene in The Godfather?!? If it does, Hiram Lodge deserves way more credit than I gave him in question 2.

6) Why did I never connect the dots that “Tallboy” is actually, like, tall? I honestly thought he just drank a lot of those redneck beers.

7) Can Jughead wear this suspender outfit every. single. episode? Yes. Please. #swoon

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8) What did we ever do to deserve such a beautiful relationship as #Bughead? *A happy tear falls softly down my cheek.* We are not worthy. #BUGHEAD. FOREVER. Well, at least until that #Barchie kiss comes out.

9) Papa Poutine is dead?? OH SNAP- I definitely did not give Hiram enough credit in question 2. And then Archie lies for him?? Hi, FBI guy, meet the new Tom Hagen. Congrats, Consigliere Archie.

10) DID CHIC AND ALICE STRAIGHT UP MURDER THAT DUDE? WHY IS ALICE MOPPING UP ALL HIS BLOOD?! OMGGGGGGG.

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 10)

1) Cheryl’s mom is a HOOKER?!????

2) Who is taking pictures of Archie? Is it the FBI guy?

3) Are FBI agents allowed to approach minors to be informants in their sting operations withOUT parental consent? This seems v unlikely.

4) Did the Southside Serpents ride to their new school together? How did they all end up walking in at the same time?

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5) Since the principal said no one could wear any gang paraphernalia, does that mean I have to take off my Southside Serpent sweatpants? BECAUSE THESE ARE THE MOST COMFORTABLE SWEATPANTS IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. (Also, don’t judge me for owning clothes from Hot Topic. You want these pants. You NEED these pants. These pants are life.)

6) Why is Archie so trusting of COMPLETE strangers like this FBI dude? I swear, he is so dumb.

7) Could we get an outfit change for FP? Hard to look tough in that white shirt and bow tie, bro. (Hard to look hott, too, which let’s be for real is my actual issue.)

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8) In what world can you force only a certain population of your school to wear a uniform? It’s 2018, man. This has discriminatory lawsuit written all over it.

9) Since when did “Chic” become a nickname for Charles? And why is Betty’s dad against knowing the son? I’d like to start a rumor that Hal isn’t the real father. IT’S FP!! You heard it here first, folks.

10) What is up with Jughead? Why is he obsessed with snake metaphors? “Shedding our skin”…“Laying low in the grass”… Dude, it’s just a new school and *technically* it’s your old school. Come off it.

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Ok, actually I have 11 questions because THIS SHOW IS CRAY.

11) Why was Betty’s brother watching her sleep like that????????? Is HE the black hood?!? I think he might be too skinny to be the black hood, but I AM OFFICIALLY CREEPED OUT NOW. Nightmares to follow.

A Royal Running Diary: Victoria (Ep. 1 & 2)

9:02: Ah, beautiful intro music, I have missed you. Muah.

Part I

9:03: Wait, Afghanistan?? Have people just been fighting here since it was created? What is the British army doing? Please don’t say looking for al-Qaeda. Seriously, I have no idea what’s going on. What did they even teach me in high school? Oh right, calculus. SO helpful, thanks guys.

9:03: Victoria looks more comfortable holding her dog, than her baby. Uh oh.

9:06: Literally, the only servant storyline I care about is Skerrett and Francatelli. Give me Skerratelli, or give me nothing.

9:07: Why does a married woman have to be purified by the church because she had a baby? She’s MARRRRRIIIIIEEED. And all y’all wanna complain about women’s rights in 2018. Child, please.

9:11: Victoria is v excited to go back to work, but Albert has basically taken over the country. A classic case of maternity leave.

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9:16: That white dress Victoria wears in the nursery is just to. die. for. Ugh, so beautiful. Wait, why does Harriet have to leave? I thought Ernest had to go, not her. I like her! Oh and gross, this old cranky woman is her replacement? Kill me. Come back, Harriet!!

9:22: Albert and Victoria are fighting. He says, “Where are you going?” She says, “To the nursery. Isn’t that where you think I belong?” Ooooof. Marriage Counseling 101: Sarcasm is not good for fighting.

9:28: Oh great, the Family Von Coburgs are all in town for the christening. Joy. Albert and Victoria are still fighting. She throws stuff at him, and compares him to Lord Melbourne. (Oh girl, don’t do that.) Albert says he’s gonna sleep in his own bed until she recovers her reason. (Oh boy, don’t say that.) I gotta chime in here. Most of the time Victoria is petty and dramatic, but she has a point. Everyone is trying to baby her (pun intended) and even though they mean well, they’re treating her differently than they would a man. #feminism #yougogirl

9:37: SKERRATELLI!

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9:39: Victoria Adelaide Mary Louisa. Heart emoji. I wish people today named their kids like 17 beautiful names in a row. Instead, we’re stuck with random syllables people mix together so their child is “unique.” Eye roll.

9:41: OH SNAP. Ernest meets Harriet’s husband. Awkwaaaaard.

9:45: 4,000 men die in Afghanistan and two political parties sit in a room and yell at each other about it. (What year is it?) Albert keeps bringing up military helmets, but no one cares.

9:48: Victoria gets a letter from Lord M (EEEK!) and Albert tries to play the “writing to your old boyfriend is unconstitutional” card. We are never gonna fall for that, bro.

9:52: As is the plot with every episode, Victoria makes up her own mind and everything turns out for the best! This time, she boosts British morale by standing on a ginormous ship. Yay. She and Albert also make up because she still has 8 more children to birth.

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Part II

10:00: Albert’s family is on my nerves. When are they going home?

10:01: There’s a real live female mathematician! Everyone is so surprised!

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10:03: Wilhelmina has a crush on Ernest, it makes her face look like a strawberry. Poor little thing doesn’t know he loves hookers and married women. STAY AWAY WILHELMINA.

10:04: SKERRATELLI! Will these kids ever figure it out?

10:05: Lord M! Lord M! Lord M! Lord MMMMMMMMMMMMM. Be still my heart. Ah, all is right in the world again. NOW SHOW ME SOME ADORABLE INTERACTIONS YOU TWO. I AM READY. I love the way he says, “ma’am” to Victoria. His hair is more gray than it used to be and Uncle Leo says he looks “diminished.” I don’t like where this is headed. He leaves the party early.

10:15: Victoria’s knocked up again, people!! She is not excited.

10:16: Ernest is allowed to stay at the palace because Harriet went home. I hope she comes back soon tho because I’m getting bored with Ernest’s storyline.

10:18: Victoria is jealous of math nerd Lady Lovelace. Albert is jealous of Lord M and the next 30 minutes of this episode is one big fight/misunderstanding because Victoria won’t tell Albert she’s pregnant and neither one of them will reassure the other of their love and devotion. Seriously, marriage counseling. You two should look into it.

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10:24: As is the plot with every episode, Victoria lashes out. SHE’S GOING TO BROCKET HALL, Y’ALL. We’re as shocked as Lord M. His hair looks even more gray here. I don’t like this. I don’t like this one bit. Lord M always knows just what to say to cheer us up. He’s so supportive and respectful and encouraging and why did she marry Albert again?

10:32: Uncle Leo tells Albert Victoria’s pregnant and they fight again. DO THESE PEOPLE EVER GET ALONG?

10:35: LEECHES NOOOOOOOOO. What. is. happening. If they make me watch Lord M die I am gonna be SO UPSET. I can’t watch it, I can’t! This is the worst. I think I’m going to watch the first 5 episodes of season 1 again and just pretend this isn’t happening.

10:42: Victoria and Lady Lovelace bond over both wishing they had been born men. It’s hard out here for a pimp. Slash woman in the 1800’s.

10:45: And of course, Albert and Victoria make up because she still has 7 more children to birth.

Poldark Season 3 Fanalysis

Yours, Mine, and “Ours”: George, Elizabeth & Valentine

This season of Poldark started only 7 weeks ago, but I barely remember what happened at the beginning. It’s like an 18th century soap opera! Ok, right, Elizabeth has a baby. And she’s married to George, but errrrrbody know it’s Ross’ baby. The kid all but came out with washboard abs and long curly dark hair. Poor nine eight month baby had all of it’s fingernails too. (Is it true that 8 month babies don’t have fingernails? Could we get a preemie mom to confirm this? Cause it kind of grosses me out.) Also, Valentine is like the worst boy name ever, so besides being a terrible human, thanks for that too, George.

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100 Emoji: Aunt Agatha 

George’s worst offense this season (and man, the list is long) was easily his treatment of Aunt Agatha. He basically killed her. What kind of horrible person won’t give a 98/100 year old woman a birthday party?! Don’t worry tho, Aunt Aggie always gets the last word. THAT BABY DON’T LOOK LIKE YOU BRUH. She out.

Romeo & Juliet: Drake & Morwenna

Someone on Twitter voted these two the “Tearing my Guts Out Couple of the Year” so I have graciously awarded this to them. I was unsure how the addition of Demelza’s brothers would go, but I have absolutely loved it. Drake and Morwenna are my FAVORITE storyline this season. Their love is so perfect and sweet. I would say they are #relationshipgoals but no one’s goals should include being ripped apart and forced to marry a CREEPY HORRIBLE DISGUSTING RAPIST. Maybe instead of #relationshipgoals we can say “Find someone who brings you adorable love tokens like Drake brings Morwenna.” I don’t know how well that will hashtag.

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Sidenote: We HAVE to talk about Rowella. WHAT THE HECK IS SHE DOING. Is she really pregnant? She has a plan, right? She’s not timid and stupid like she pretends to be when she talks to the Vicar. (“I’ve written to the Bishop about my condition, to ask him to pray for me.” That’s laugh out loud funny.) But what is her plan exactly? Extortion, (dolla, dolla, bill y’all) but was she also taking one for the team so the Vicar would stop raping Morwenna? Can they get divorced now because Rowella is pregnant? What kind of names are Morwenna and Rowella anyway? WHY CAN’T DRAKE AND MORWENNA JUST RUN AWAY TOGETHER? I miss the days when Drake, Morwenna and Geoffrey Charles frolicked on the beach. Life was so simple then. Sigh. Speaking of…

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Boy Wonder: Geoffrey Charles

This kid is the breakout star of the season. He inherited all of the Poldark good qualities and none of the bad. He’s one of my favorite characters now and Francis would be so proud of him for standing up to George!! One minor detail in the kid storyline bothers me tho. So he’s older than Jeremy Poldark because Jeremy is technically the 2nd kid, but Geoffrey Charles goes from being like 5 to 10 and Jeremy Poldark is still 4! This kid hasn’t grown at all. Furthermore, his baby sister gets older but he still doesn’t! I half expected their next storyline to be that Jeremy has Rickets just like Valentine and it would prove they had the same DNA. DUN DUN DUN. But apparently, no, we are totally cool with passing off Ross’ kid as George’s. Everybody’s on board. Including Elizabeth’s Bible.

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Best Friends Forever: Dr. Enys and Caroline

Dr. Enys & Caroline are either like, the best friends in the entire world, or the worst. I’m pretty sure Dr. Enys knows something is up with “George’s” baby and he also knows Ross and Demelza had a really big fight approximately 9 months prior. Although, he has been suffering in a French prison, so maybe he forgot. They BOTH know that Hugh is after Ross’ wife and they’re kinda like meh, NBD. Talk about minding your own business. These two will take your secrets to their grave.

Three’s a Crowd: Ross, Demelza & Hugh Armitage

Am I the only one who thinks Hugh fell in love with Demelza ridiculously fast? This is some Disney Princess romance right here. YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HER BRO. You literally saw her once when you got off the boat from your OWN suffering in the French prison. You probably would’ve told Prudie she looked like the Mona Lisa under those circumstances. This guy has some guts to openly pursue a married woman. He tells Dr. Enys! Ross’ best friend! I mean, I know you guys were besties in the French prison dude, but Ross is A1 since day 1. You need to find another confidante.

The worst part of this was Ross being SUCH AN IDIOT. He has done some stupid things on this show (and man, THAT list is long) but how daft can you be when your wife is literally telling you an EXTREMELY HANDSOME MAN is after her?! Instead of saying, “please don’t run off with Hugh, it will kill me,” he sarcastically retorts that Hugh’s probably not really interested in her anyway. THE POEMS AND PICTURES AND FLOWERS SEEM TO SUGGEST OTHERWISE, SIR.

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This is just a perfect storm of a disaster. Demelza has never been wooed a day in her life, Ross takes her for granted, HUGH IS GOING TO BE BLIND IN SIX MONTHS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD and yes, we all know this is because Ross kissed Elizabeth in the dang church but the moral of the story is this: Getting even isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, but you don’t usually find that out until after you’ve done it. Do you, Demelza?

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I’m considering moving to the UK so I don’t have to wait an entire year for Season 4. I mean, or I could read the books, but moving to London seems faster. Cheers!

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 6)

1) What is the weather in this town? Jughead wears a shearling jacket literally every day but now Cheryl is sitting outside in a bathing suit. BTW, this was a breakout episode for @CherylBombshell. She has officially become my favorite character without a Serpent tattoo.

2) Why is there a massive British flag hanging in the Ghoulies drug den? Are they like, originally from England? I don’t get it.

3) Can we get more screen time for FP, please? I miss him.

Chapter Nineteen: Death Proof

4) When did Betty become a car mechanic? You really are an enigma, Cooper.

5) Did you guys notice all the Grease parallels during this street race? Betty’s outfit, the flames on the Ghoulies car, the way Cheryl started the race? (“Not today Cha Cha, I was born for this moment.” She is winning this episode.) I fully expected the Ghoulies car to have spikes coming out of the tires.

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6) Why did Archie think that sending the Ghoulies to jail for street racing would fix everything? This dude knows nothing about gangs. Pro Tip Archiekins: Watch The Godfather. Jughead is Michael Corleone and right now, you are a terrible Tom Hagen.

7) Has Hiram Lodge redeemed himself as a father? I mean, if your daughter tells you a boy tried to rape her and then you hire someone to run said boy off the road and subsequently put him in the hospital for months… I think we can call that a win for Crime Boss Daddy of the Year.

8) Is the Black Hood Sheriff Keller?? Who else would have access to get INSIDE the prison to shoot the Sugarman?

9) Is Sugarman one word or two?

10) So wait, everything is fine with “Hashtag Bughead” now? Are we just gonna pretend like that whole Toni thing didn’t happen? Or is this going to turn into “WE WERE ON A BREAK” Part 2?

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Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 5)

Before we begin, please join me in a moment of silence for #Bughead. (Tear.)

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Thank you.

1) Why did Betty decide to BFF it up with Archie again? JUGHEAD, you’re supposed to be confiding in JUGHEAD. Who cares what the black hood says. Ugh. I *knew* they were gonna break up. Distraught face emoji. #sendhelp

2) Have you guys seen The Good Doctor on ABC? It. Is. So. Good. but am I the only one who thinks Hiram Lodge looks exactly like Dr. Melendez? This is really confusing my TV brain.

3) How does Sweet Pea expect any of us to take him seriously when his name is SWEET PEA?

4) Does Betty not know that every single iPhone user is supposed to use the same default ringtone so when we’re all in Target we have no idea who’s phone is ringing? Actual songs for ringtones are so 2007.

5) Where did Alice Cooper get that romper?! YAAAAAS QUEEN. Slay. I hope she dresses like this forever.

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6) Could Betty BE anymore of a high school girl, sending her best friend to break up with her boyfriend? Rolling eye emoji. TELL HIM THE TRUTH BETTY.

7) If a serial killer asked you to go to an abandoned house, would you agree to go? NO BETTY, the answer is NO.

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8) Why was I a little bit happy when Toni kissed Jughead? I’m a terrible human.

9) Did Nick St. Clair get beat up worse than Jughead? I’ve never been hit with brass knuckles, but freakin’ high heels hurt, man.

10) Last and most important: Um, is Betty now guilty of conspiracy to commit murder?? #sendhelp

Friends vs. How I Met Your Mother

Let me tell you something I don’t understand. Why does Netflix keep removing shows? Isn’t the internet an infinite amount of space? You’re telling me that you can’t fit the new season of Longmire (which comes out Nov. 17 btw, #getexcited) ANYWHERE ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET without removing all 9 seasons of How I Met Your Mother? There HAS to be another way to do this. Listen, I wanted Jim McElwain fired, but I want whoever made the decision to remove Friday Night Lights, One Tree Hill and How I Met Your Mother left on a tarmac Lane Kiffin style.

HIMYM’s departure from Netflix has inspired (probably) the most important blog I’ll ever write: A definitive answer to the age-old debate of which is better… Friends or How I Met Your Mother. I mean, this is on the same scale as nature vs. nurture, people. (Note: Seinfeld is not in the discussion. Do not fight me on this.) If you’ve never seen HIMYM, and you decide not to sleep or go to your job for the next week, you can finish it before they take it down. If you’ve never seen Friends, what is wrong with you you better hurry before some Netflix employee, who thinks he’s omnipotent, decides to take it down too. For the rest of you TV junkies out there, I’ve settled the debate once and for all. Here are our categories:

Location: Obvs, New York City. You would think it’s a tie. But it’s not. The West Village is WAY cooler than the Upper Westside, even if MacLaren’s is slightly better than Central Perk. Agree or disagree, at least we all hate New Jersey.

Winner: Friends

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The Player: Barney Stinson vs. Joey Tribbiani 

While I can appreciate Barney Stinson’s ingenious ways to pick up women (as demonstrated in The Playbook) eventually, it just grosses me out. Sleeping with over 250 women? Spare me. Your boy *can* rock a suit tho. Joey Tribbiani’s no saint, but he’s so endearing (and stupid) that you kind of forgive him for treating women so terribly.

Winner: Friends

Pickup lines:

I’ve never really understood the obsession with “How YOU doin?” It sounds like what I imagine getting hit on outside Yankee Stadium would be like. No thanks. However, “Haaaave you met Ted?” is clever, shows camaraderie between bro’s and is just flat out funny.

Winner: HIMYM

Power Couple: Marshall and Lily vs. Monica and Chandler

Haaaaave you met Matthew Smeltzer? Because he’s basically Marshall IRL. So much that I use the hashtag #themarshalltomylily when I post sappy things about him on social media. Marshall and Lily’s relationship is insanely adorable. They’re best friends, they go through real life struggles and they are 100% #relationshipgoals. Monica and Chandler are best friends too and while they share some sweet moments, their relationship dynamic is just different. Marshall and Lily are a team. Chandler is on Monica’s team and MONICA’S TEAM ALWAYS WINS. Except for right now.

Winner: HIMYM

Watch: My favorite Marshall & Lily Moment A reminder for all of us to never let the love die. Go Hens!

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The It-Girl: Robin vs. Rachel

This isn’t even a contest. Rachel wins in a landslide. I’m not trying to say Robin isn’t a pretty girl, because she is, but let’s not kid ourselves. She’s no Ray Ray Green. Most of Rachel’s outfits are still in style 20 years later, an entire haircut was named after her and furthermore, the mother is SO much better than Robin. Yeah, I said it. And imma say some more. See below.

Winner: Friends

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Will They or Won’t They Couple: Ted and Robin vs. Ross and Rachel

One could argue that Ross and Rachel aren’t the world’s most perfect couple. Now, we can’t blame Ross and Rachel for this, because they are fake people, but I think the writers botched the end of their story. They *should* have shown Ross and Rachel both maturing after Emma was born, setting aside their past fights, and really growing into two people who have changed and want to be with each other. Instead, they were both still crazy immature and the writers shoved an ending in our face in like 5 minutes during the finale.

However, NOTHING the Friends writers did will ever compare to the insanity that HIMYM brought. I mean, WHO am I even supposed to be rooting for? Ted and Robin? Barney and Robin? Ted and the mother? The poor mother is supposedly the love of Ted’s life, but (spoiler alert) turns out she’s dead and he never stopped loving Robin! What the heck kind of show is this?!?!? The mother is literally my favorite character on HIMYM. I waited freaking 8 seasons to see her face and when I did, I was so happy, I cried. Do you know why? Because they spent 8 seasons building her up to near perfection and she did not disappoint in ANY way. She was flawless. She was perfect for Ted. He waited and waited and WAITED for her and then poof, she’s gone and years later he’s still in love with Robin? AFTER Robin chose Barney over Ted and AFTER she realizes she made a dumb decision (because, hello. 250 women.) THEN she wants Ted? After everything she put him through? No. I can’t. It’s just not right.

Everyone on the internet right now thinks Ross was too controlling over Rachel, because: #feminism, but I need some social justice warriors on this Ted and Robin ending. It’s terrible and I’m still mad about it. RIP Tracy. I will always love you, even if your savage husband doesn’t.

Winner: Friends

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Rewatchability: 

Both shows are addicting in their own way. The creativity of the jokes on HIMYM is unparalleled. It’s an incredibly well written show, but the jokes on Friends just never get old. On the 7th million rewatch, it’s just as hilarious and bonus: there’s a quote for every single life situation ever. I know this because I say them every day and people stare at me.

Winner: Friends

Life Lessons:

“So no one told you life was gonna be this way…” clap clap clap clap. Watching Friends teaches you that it’s ok if you don’t have life figured out. They deal with real issues but in a light hearted comical way. I feel like parts of HIMYM take a much more serious approach. The entire story was about Ted being stuck in a season of life that he desperately wanted to be over. They deal with waiting for a spouse and kids, losing a parent, infertility, career failures, divorce. Watching HIMYM is about learning to be happy in the waiting and knowing that someday you’ll realize those “waiting” times were a very important part of your life. You just didn’t see it because you were in too much of a hurry to get somewhere else.

Winner: HIMYM

Final Score: Friends 5, HIMYM 3

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Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 4)

1) Does anyone remember what Betty said in her speech at the Jubilee? I would’ve taken notes if I’d known it was going to inspire a serial killer.

2) Where did Veronica get those red circle shirts made in like a day?

3) ARE BETTY AND JUGHEAD GONNA BREAKUP?!!?!? It’s only been 2 days of separate schools and they are already keeping secrets and dodging phone calls. TBH, I’m more scared of this than the black hood.

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4) How did Betty not go full cash-me-ousside on Toni Topaz’s “maybe if you loosened your ponytail” comment? Oh girl, NO you did not.

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5) Is Archie going to be ok? Spray painting red circles on the Southside, pulling guns on people, getting Dilton Doiley stabbed in the leg. He has completely lost it.

6) Why is Hermione lecturing Veronica about “blind loyalty” when that’s the definition of her entire marriage? #parents. Eye rolling emoji.

7) Why are the most dramatic TV moments always accompanied by an intense thunderstorm?

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8) What did Hermione mean when she said “I told you Fred Andrews was going to be a problem?” What are these two planning?

9) How did the black hood get Betty’s cell phone number?

10) Is the black hood Betty’s Dad? I thought this a couple of episodes ago, because of the bags under his eyes. They look v similar to Betty’s Dad’s. Then I saw someone float the idea on Twitter so it must be right BECAUSE I READ IT ON THE INTERNET. (And if it’s not you, Mr. Cooper, you should really get some sleep cause seriously, those bags. Woof.)