By popular demand, I have decided to write a Royal Wedding blog. And by “popular demand” I mean literally one person asked me to. (Hi mom-in-law! Waving emoji.) I am a royal family addict. I set my alarm for 5 AM and threw myself a royal watching tea party. (FYI: I invited other people, but no one wanted to come to a party that started at 5 o’clock in the morning. Shrug emoji.)
If you don’t already know that Meghan Markle is a bi-racial, divorced, American and the Royal Family’s image is a FAR cry from what it used to be, then you need to go to google and just start at the beginning. This blog will be more along the lines of “She’s worn that outfit before.” and “Why do Princess Beatrice & Princess Eugenie always look so hideous.” Before we begin, I’d like to address the elephant in the room.
Meghan’s family be CRAY.
The Queen has just got to be rolling her eyes like THIS IS WHY FOR A THOUSAND YEARS WE DIDN’T LET YOU MARRY LOWLY COMMONERS. It was embarrassing for Meghan, but it was embarrassing for all of us. Come on, America. Act like you’ve been there before. The real winners here are the Middletons. Lookin’ PRETTY good with their common, millionaire blood right now.
I heard that 29.2 million people watched the wedding on Saturday, but if you were asleep, because your priorities are CLEARLY out of whack, here’s what you missed.
7 years ago, also at the crack of dawn, I watched the guests arrive at William & Kate’s wedding, but I didn’t know who most of them were. Since Meghan was an actress, this was a star studded Hollywood event. Every 2 minutes I was shouting, IT’S GEORGE CLOONEY! OPRAH! IS THAT STRINGER BELL?! HARVEY! DONNA! SERENAAAAA. In true Hollywood fashion, I’d like to dish out some awards:
Best Dressed: The Clooneys. Is it weird that I find George more attractive all gray? Aging well sir, you are aging. well.
Worst Dressed: Princess Beatrice. Is peasant chic in?
Best Hat: I looked back through like 30 fascinators to try to give this award to someone else, but sorry, Amal Clooney won again. Slay, girl. Slay.
Best Dressed Suits Character: Gabriel Macht. Harvey Specter, how are you so adorable?
Most Insane: The Queen in lime green. Could she be anymore of a 90 year old woman?
Crankiest: Victoria Beckham. Like, does she think this pout is attractive?
Most Exhausted: Duchess of Cambridge. Poor Kate. This is the 4th time she’s worn this outfit. She’s got a 3 week old baby at home. She hardly looked up during the ceremony and I’m convinced she was asleep under her hat.
Hottest: Jessica Mulroney. The internet has dubbed her the Pippa Middleton of this Royal Wedding and sure, she may be hot, but she should have reached over and straightened that crooked veil during the ceremony. BFF 101.
Cutest: Princess Charlotte. At age 3, she has perfected the royal wave. Goals.
TBH, the dress was somewhat of a letdown. Here is the original sketch of it, but like, why didn’t it look like that in real life?! This sketch is GORGEOUS.
The thing I DID love about Meghan’s dress was her veil. I am a sucker for a loooooong chapel veil. It’s so SO royal.
Maybe she went simple on the dress to try to make the veil stand out? But it didn’t really work because the dress ended up TOO simple and the 53 unique flowers she had stitched on her veil to represent each of the 53 countries of the Commonwealth DEF did not show through on the TV cameras.
Sorry kids, but I gotta say it. Kate did it better.
Soul Power Ceremony
That preacher had me in stitches. I was cracking up at the stuffy British facial expressions like WHAAAAT the heck is going on. Crying laughing emoji. Hey man, don’t invite the Americans if you don’t want some SOUL POWER. The choir that sang Stand By Me did so well, even though I made fun of their sway, because I mean, come on. Has any choir ever swayed at a royal wedding? It was hilar.
It’s so awkward that there’s no kiss in a royal wedding. It’s like, Ok guys! Great job pledging your eternal love and commitment to each other, now literally show no emotion. Their first kiss outside the chapel doors was a perfect setting. These pictures are my favorite of the whole day.
Ok, THIS is what we were expecting for the ceremony. I mean, not the whole sleeveless thing because that’s not allowed, but a sleek, sexy, modern, AMAZING gown. This dress is 100% Meghan. And driving to your reception in a top down E-Jag?! This couple just *radiates* cool. I only wish that normal humans could see photos from the evening reception. Like, just one! I only want to see one! Ok that’s a lie. I want to see them all.
So I guess that’s it until the next royal wedding, folks. And by next, I mean 2045 whenever George gets married… Unless you guys wanna get up to make fun of whatever Eugenie decides to wear down the aisle in October. Let me know.