Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 6)

1) What is the weather in this town? Jughead wears a shearling jacket literally every day but now Cheryl is sitting outside in a bathing suit. BTW, this was a breakout episode for @CherylBombshell. She has officially become my favorite character without a Serpent tattoo.

2) Why is there a massive British flag hanging in the Ghoulies drug den? Are they like, originally from England? I don’t get it.

3) Can we get more screen time for FP, please? I miss him.

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4) When did Betty become a car mechanic? You really are an enigma, Cooper.

5) Did you guys notice all the Grease parallels during this street race? Betty’s outfit, the flames on the Ghoulies car, the way Cheryl started the race? (“Not today Cha Cha, I was born for this moment.” She is winning this episode.) I fully expected the Ghoulies car to have spikes coming out of the tires.

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6) Why did Archie think that sending the Ghoulies to jail for street racing would fix everything? This dude knows nothing about gangs. Pro Tip Archiekins: Watch The Godfather. Jughead is Michael Corleone and right now, you are a terrible Tom Hagen.

7) Has Hiram Lodge redeemed himself as a father? I mean, if your daughter tells you a boy tried to rape her and then you hire someone to run said boy off the road and subsequently put him in the hospital for months… I think we can call that a win for Crime Boss Daddy of the Year.

8) Is the Black Hood Sheriff Keller?? Who else would have access to get INSIDE the prison to shoot the Sugarman?

9) Is Sugarman one word or two?

10) So wait, everything is fine with “Hashtag Bughead” now? Are we just gonna pretend like that whole Toni thing didn’t happen? Or is this going to turn into “WE WERE ON A BREAK” Part 2?

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Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 5)

Before we begin, please join me in a moment of silence for #Bughead. (Tear.)

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Thank you.

1) Why did Betty decide to BFF it up with Archie again? JUGHEAD, you’re supposed to be confiding in JUGHEAD. Who cares what the black hood says. Ugh. I *knew* they were gonna break up. Distraught face emoji. #sendhelp

2) Have you guys seen The Good Doctor on ABC? It. Is. So. Good. but am I the only one who thinks Hiram Lodge looks exactly like Dr. Melendez? This is really confusing my TV brain.

3) How does Sweet Pea expect any of us to take him seriously when his name is SWEET PEA?

4) Does Betty not know that every single iPhone user is supposed to use the same default ringtone so when we’re all in Target we have no idea who’s phone is ringing? Actual songs for ringtones are so 2007.

5) Where did Alice Cooper get that romper?! YAAAAAS QUEEN. Slay. I hope she dresses like this forever.

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6) Could Betty BE anymore of a high school girl, sending her best friend to break up with her boyfriend? Rolling eye emoji. TELL HIM THE TRUTH BETTY.

7) If a serial killer asked you to go to an abandoned house, would you agree to go? NO BETTY, the answer is NO.

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8) Why was I a little bit happy when Toni kissed Jughead? I’m a terrible human.

9) Did Nick St. Clair get beat up worse than Jughead? I’ve never been hit with brass knuckles, but freakin’ high heels hurt, man.

10) Last and most important: Um, is Betty now guilty of conspiracy to commit murder?? #sendhelp

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 4)

1) Does anyone remember what Betty said in her speech at the Jubilee? I would’ve taken notes if I’d known it was going to inspire a serial killer.

2) Where did Veronica get those red circle shirts made in like a day?

3) ARE BETTY AND JUGHEAD GONNA BREAKUP?!!?!? It’s only been 2 days of separate schools and they are already keeping secrets and dodging phone calls. TBH, I’m more scared of this than the black hood.

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4) How did Betty not go full cash-me-ousside on Toni Topaz’s “maybe if you loosened your ponytail” comment? Oh girl, NO you did not.

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5) Is Archie going to be ok? Spray painting red circles on the Southside, pulling guns on people, getting Dilton Doiley stabbed in the leg. He has completely lost it.

6) Why is Hermione lecturing Veronica about “blind loyalty” when that’s the definition of her entire marriage? #parents. Eye rolling emoji.

7) Why are the most dramatic TV moments always accompanied by an intense thunderstorm?

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8) What did Hermione mean when she said “I told you Fred Andrews was going to be a problem?” What are these two planning?

9) How did the black hood get Betty’s cell phone number?

10) Is the black hood Betty’s Dad? I thought this a couple of episodes ago, because of the bags under his eyes. They look v similar to Betty’s Dad’s. Then I saw someone float the idea on Twitter so it must be right BECAUSE I READ IT ON THE INTERNET. (And if it’s not you, Mr. Cooper, you should really get some sleep cause seriously, those bags. Woof.)

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 3)

1) How in this world did Moose get shot from literally 5 feet away and LIVE? #Melodrama. But don’t worry, Jughead covered their tracks with the terrible aim joke. Crying laughing emoji.

2) What’s the difference in a ski mask and a black hood? I hate to point out the obvious, Mr. Murderer, but they look exactly the same. Is it just that one comes with precut eye holes and you had to cut yours out at home yourself? I legitimately don’t get it.

3) Was it just the camera angle or is Archie a whole head taller than Veronica’s dad?

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4) Is Polly really having twins? Has a doctor confirmed this? Or are we just taking Nana’s gypsy blood word for it.

5) Could they not come up with slightly more inventive newspaper names? “Blue and Gold” “Red and Black”…c’mon guys. Let’s at least TRY to be creative.

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6) Does Hermione Lodge love Hiram or is she mostly terrified of what he’ll do to her if she turns against him?

7) Why does the entire set of Riverdale always look foggy? Do they use a fog machine to achieve this?

8) Does Toni like Jughead? Is Betty jealous of Toni? (These are rhetorical questions because the answer is a total, duh.)

9) Is Veronica’s dad trying to get Archie killed by urging him to confront the hooded man?! That’s a high price to pay just for being taller than you, Padre.

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10) Is everyone ok from that fake out of Kevin getting stabbed??? Because my heart rate still has not returned to normal.

P.S. Shoutout to the man in the black hood for returning Luke Perry’s wallet! Thanks bro.

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 2)

1) First, and most importantly, where can I buy Veronica’s blue velvet jacket?

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2) What happened to the cast Archie was wearing?

3) Why has it taken me 15 episodes of this show to notice all the name alliterations? Archie Andrews. Jughead Jones. Geraldine Grundy. Kevin Keller. Penny Peabody. I catch on quick, y’all.

4) If Luke Perry’s wallet is still missing, have they ordered a new debit card and switched all of their auto-pay bills to the new card number? Because that is a bigger pain than being shot. (I mean, probably. I haven’t been shot, but I HATE getting a new debit card.)

5) Where the heck is Polly? It is highly improbable that a super pregnant chick wouldn’t show up to a milkshake party.

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6) How did Archie get the blood stains out of his letterman jacket? I can’t even get pen marks off my husband’s shorts.

7) WHERE DID VERONICA’S DAD REALLY SEND SMITHERS!!

8) Why is Penny Peabody called the Snake Charmer? Creepy.

9) Does “Jingle Jangle” give you a sugar high? Because it looked like those kids were eating pixy stix. You know, before the masked man SHOWED UP AND COMPLETELY BLEW THEIR BRAINS OUT. (I am not ok. I am not ok.)

10) Seriously. Smithers. WHERE IS HE HIRAM?

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 1)

Riverdale fancies itself a teen melodrama with a side of murder mystery. It’s not Emmy worthy, but it *does* leave me with a lot of questions. Here are ten I wrote down after last night’s season 2 premiere.

(Why is a 30 year old woman watching a teen mystery drama? That’s not one of the questions, so shhh.)

1) Why does the entire town look like it’s stuck in 1955? Including the creepy and terrifying hospital. We’ve got a definite Pleasantville vibe going on. *shudder*

2) When did Cole Sprouse become so attractive? I’m not trying to go full Miss Grundy, but I just need everyone to know: I came for Luke Perry, but I stayed for Jughead on a motorcycle.

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3) Did Cheryl and her mom kill her dad and make it look like a suicide?! WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN THE BARN CHERYL.

4) Where is Luke Perry’s wallet?!

5) Why did Miss Grundy only move one town over? She is so stupid.

6) Is the masked man the only person in Riverdale with green eyes? It’s hardly an identifying factor.

7) Why does Betty keep telling her mom stuff? “I almost had sex with Jughead but then he put on a Southside Serpents jacket.” BETTY SHUTUP.

8) How does Cheryl’s lipstick never get on her teeth?

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9) Are Veronica’s parents good or bad?

10) Why can high school kids eat hamburgers, French fries and milkshakes galore and STILL not get fat?

Life’s not fair.