Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask

1) First, and most importantly, where can I buy Veronica’s blue velvet jacket?

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2) What happened to the cast Archie was wearing?

3) Why has it taken me 15 episodes of this show to notice all the name alliterations? Archie Andrews. Jughead Jones. Geraldine Grundy. Kevin Keller. Penny Peabody. I catch on quick, y’all.

4) If Luke Perry’s wallet is still missing, have they ordered a new debit card and switched all of their auto-pay bills to the new card number? Because that is a bigger pain than being shot. (I mean, probably. I haven’t been shot, but I HATE getting a new debit card.)

5) Where the heck is Polly? It is highly improbable that a super pregnant chick wouldn’t show up to a milkshake party.

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6) How did Archie get the blood stains out of his letterman jacket? I can’t even get pen marks off my husband’s shorts.

7) WHERE DID VERONICA’S DAD REALLY SEND SMITHERS!!

8) Why is Penny Peabody called the Snake Charmer? Creepy.

9) Does “Jingle Jangle” give you a sugar high? Because it looked like those kids were eating pixy stix. You know, before the masked man SHOWED UP AND COMPLETELY BLEW THEIR BRAINS OUT. (I am not ok. I am not ok.)

10) Seriously. Smithers. WHERE IS HE HIRAM?

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask

Riverdale fancies itself a teen melodrama with a side of murder mystery. It’s not Emmy worthy, but it *does* leave me with a lot of questions. Here are ten I wrote down after last night’s season 2 premiere.

(Why is a 30 year old woman watching a teen mystery drama? That’s not one of the questions, so shhh.)

1) Why does the entire town look like it’s stuck in 1955? Including the creepy and terrifying hospital. We’ve got a definite Pleasantville vibe going on. *shudder*

2) When did Cole Sprouse become so attractive? I’m not trying to go full Miss Grundy, but I just need everyone to know: I came for Luke Perry, but I stayed for Jughead on a motorcycle.

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3) Did Cheryl and her mom kill her dad and make it look like a suicide?! WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN THE BARN CHERYL.

4) Where is Luke Perry’s wallet?!

5) Why did Miss Grundy only move one town over? She is so stupid.

6) Is the masked man the only person in Riverdale with green eyes? It’s hardly an identifying factor.

7) Why does Betty keep telling her mom stuff? “I almost had sex with Jughead but then he put on a Southside Serpents jacket.” BETTY SHUTUP.

8) How does Cheryl’s lipstick never get on her teeth?

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9) Are Victoria’s parents good or bad?

10) Why can high school kids eat hamburgers, French fries and milkshakes galore and STILL not get fat?

Life’s not fair.

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 2

My apologies for the blog being late this week, I was a bit busy. A) I got sucked into a rewatch of Gilmore Girls, Season 2 (am I the only one who thinks Milo was way cuter when he was younger?) B) I spent like half a day in Target buying a velvet ottoman and C) there were a BILLION dances to review! I mean, I love DWTS as much as the next white girl, but FOUR hours in one week is a big commitment y’all. Let’s not do this full 2-night thing again. It’s exhausting. I combined Ballroom Night & Latin Night into one review because no normal human could organize this mess.

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13. Barbara Corcoran & Keo (Tango, 17 out of 30)

If anyone deserves the #1 spot in the power rankings this week, it’s Keo’s VELVET SUIT! Slay boy. Slay.

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Barbara is presh and when she said she didn’t want people to laugh at her, ugh, I almost started crying. Unfortunately, Barbs only got to dance once this week because she was eliminated Monday night. I kind of wish they would have Shark Tanked her by saying something like, Barbs, you’re a horrendous dancer “and for that reason, you’re out.”

12. Debbie Gibson & Alan (Quickstep, 20 out of 30) & (Argentine Tango, 21 out of 30)

Why did I think her name was spelled Debi? I could have SWORN it was. Are we sure they didn’t change it? Anyway, she got kicked off Tuesday night, so while I may have learned to spell her name correctly, it doesn’t really matter. Oops.

11. Nick Lachey & Peta (Foxtrot, 19 out of 30) & (Argentine Tango, 19 out of 30)

Meh. Nick looks super awkward when he dances and I don’t have much faith in his ability to get better. His Argentine Tango was good though, the judges scored him too low.

10. Nikki Bella & Artem (Waltz, 21 out of 30) & (Samba, 18 out of 30)

I have no idea where to put Nikki in the rankings. I feel like my dislike of her as a human influences my ranking ability. I thought her waltz was boring and her samba was just bad. I don’t understand her. She’s a self-proclaimed tomboy who wears skimpy clothes and parades around throwing men on the ground for a living, but she was nervous about doing a sexy dance? This is why men can’t understand women. We make no sense.

9. T.O. & Cheryl (Foxtrot, 20 out of 30) & (Samba, 19 out of 30)

MY GRACIOUS that Magic Mike move!! Wide-eyed emoji. See, I told y’all T.O. was not that bad! Granted, he has a bit of an attitude problem, but when he admitted he watches Drew on Property Brothers, I lol’d.

8. Drew Scott & Emma (Quickstep, 20 out of 30) & (Rumba, 21 out of 30)

I hate when they show injuries right before people dance. I can’t even focus on the dance because I’m just waiting for a leg to snap. I agree he is “gangly” as the judges said, but the dude can’t help it. He’s like 6’4” 150 pounds! (Idk if this is true.) But the spray tan killed me. Hahahaha so funny.

7. Sasha Pieterse & Gleb (Viennese Waltz, 23 out of 30) & (Rumba, 22 out of 30)

I’m having an issue with Sasha as well. She seems likable and I think she’s a good dancer, but her dances are… boring? Forgettable? Whatever the opposite of memorable is, that’s what her dances are.

6. Derek Fisher & Sharna (Foxtrot, 19 out of 30) & (Paso Doble, 19 out of 30)

I’M SO HAPPY HIS MOM WAS THERE!!! We need to get this woman on as a judge, she knows her stuff. I like Derek and I like his dances, but he’s gonna have to make some big improvements if he wants to stick around.

5. Victoria Arlen & Val (Tango, 24 out of 30) & (Rumba, 20 out of 30)

My favorite part of Val being a pro is when he gets in verbal disagreements with Len. I WANT MORE. MORE! In related news, it was Victoria’s birthday and Taylor Swift sent her flowers, which would be really sweet if T. Swift wasn’t taking over the world.

4. Vanessa Lachey & Maks (Foxtrot, 24 out of 30) & (Salsa, 23 out of 30)

Ok, Vanessa is WAY better than Nick. I thought I wouldn’t like her. You know, because I tend to be a bit judgy of socialite/model/actresses who host TRL (show me your shocked face) but this girl is winning me over! She is really funny too. I almost picked her for my fantasy league next week, but I decided to stick with these three…

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3. Lindsey Stirling & Mark (Quickstep, 21 out of 30) & (Salsa, 24 out of 30)

Watch: QuickstepSalsa

Lindsey is adorable and she looks like a freakin pro out there, but that caterpillar/butterfly stage design was just too much, guys. It looked like a ride at Disney World. You know who she kind of reminds me of? Penny from Dirty Dancing. Just watch, you’ll see it.

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2. Frankie Muniz & Witney (Tango, 23 out of 30) & (Cha Cha, 25 out of 30)

Watch: Tango / Cha Cha

I LOVE this dude. Agent Cody Banks gave me 48 points this week in the fantasy league. (I mean, I think. I don’t really know how it works.) With the first 9 of the season, this kid is going places. Y’all better not have slept on my fantasy advice last week!! HOLLLLLLA. Maybe I should start sports gambling…

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1. Jordan Fisher & Lindsay (Viennese Waltz, 24 out of 30) & (Samba, 24 out of 30)

Watch: Viennese Waltz / Samba

Jordan is just ridiculously good. Like insanely, incredibly, RIDICULOUSLY good. He did point his toes weird on that samba, I gotta agree with Len, but this power couple is UN-stoppable. You know, unless no one votes for them. SO VOTE FOR THEM. AHHHHHHHH.

This week’s double elimination: Barbara & Debbie, not Debi. 

An Unpopular Opinion… Why Tim Riggins should have REALLY ended up with Becky.

SOMEONE at the great state of Netflix has decided to pull Friday Night Lights off the flipping internet at the end of this month. It’s a decision for which they should be drawn and quartered, but nevertheless, it’s happening. So I spent this week saying goodbye to the whole squad: Coach Taylor, Matt & Julie, Lyla, and of course, the beautiful Tim Riggins. FNL actually ended pretty well, except for *one* minor detail. Tim Riggins gets his GORGEOUS piece of #TexasForever property, starts to build a house and we’re left to believe that one day, he and TYRA end up together. C’MON MAN. This is just lazy! For a myriad of reasons, she was never right for him (the least of which is their siblings being married #redneck.) Furthermore, LYLA was never right for him either. It should have been me Becky and I intend to convince you why.

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One. From the beginning of this show, Tim and Tyra are at each other’s throats. They come from the same side of the tracks, but are they really even friends? They’re stuck in a toxic, volatile relationship, bringing out the absolute worst in each other and we’re supposed to believe that they magically fall back in love and all this time were destined to be soulmates? Uh uh. NOPE. Tyra says in the finale that she’s loved Tim since she was 5 years old (which was NEVER brought up until now, btw. Convenient.) but I’m sorry honey, to the rest of us, it just looked like he had some muscle-y, long haired hold over you. That ain’t love.

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Two. Everyone knows that Tim loved Lyla. I mean, LOVED Lyla, but she was too good for him. She wanted more of out life than small town Texas (no offense, Tejas) and Tim couldn’t give it to her. For awhile it seemed like Lyla could make Tim into a better man, but really it just made him feel inadequate and ultimately, he chose to be himself. (Mad props bro.) Maybe if Minka Kelly hadn’t wanted to leave the show, Tim and Lyla would have ended up together (which, I cannot lie, would have been a THOUSAND times better than the bogus Tyra storyline) but we all know Lyla would have been unhappy settling for a life in Dillon. It is *gut-wrenching* to watch her leave him on that bus, but they were doomed from the start. (Btw, what kind of crazy do you have to be to LEAVE Tim Riggins? SMH.)

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Three. Enter Becky. Now, I know that she’s younger than Tim and there’s that little awkward situation where he slept with her mom… BUT JUST LISTEN for a second. She was his cheerleader! She adorrrrred him and believed in him when no one else did. He was basically left as her only adult supervision because her mother is a sucky flake, and he takes REAL care of her. He gives her his ONE prized possession when he goes to prison AND this is the kicker, THEY SHARE AN ADORABLE DOG. I mean, seriously people. Also, he punched Billy in the face for letting her waitress at a strip club. I’m happy that Becky did the high school thing and dated Luke, but when she’s 22 and Tim Riggins is 25 they are gonna realize they were SO stupid. You know, if they were real people and this actually mattered at all.

SO. To sum up: Tyra doesn’t push Tim to be a better man, Lyla makes him feel like he’s never good enough, but somehow Becky pushes him and accepts him all at the same time. He treats her so kindly that it shows us he really is a good guy… You know, despite his alcoholism and stint in prison.

Listen, you don’t have to agree with me, but I’m right. Texas Forever, y’all.

(This has been the first installment of my many unpopular opinions. Tune in next time to hear why the ending of How I Met Your Mother left me in a fit of rage.)

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 1

Dear Long Lost Readers,

I took the summer off from blogging because, let’s be for real, summer TV is the WORST. And why is that? It’s like they expect us to actually go outside or something. Sir, it’s 1000 degrees here, THROW ME A BINGE WATCHING BONE. Basically, I’ve been sitting around since May, watching reruns of Dawson’s Creek and these semi-entertaining shows:

The Sinner. Jessica Biel is just SMOKIN hot (you go, JT) but this show lowkey terrifies me. Tomorrow night is the last episode and I think we can all admit we’re just ready for it to be over. *shudder*

Suits. Summer TV’s redeeming quality was finally seeing that #DARVEY kiss we spent 7 years waiting on. And was it worth it? I mean, kinda. The real payoff will come when Harvey initiates a kiss with Donna, which will coincidentally also be WHEN I DIE FROM SHEER HAPPINESS, but that probably won’t be for another 7 years because this ship is the slowest of slow burns.

Riverdale. I’d be lying if I wasn’t *slightly* embarrassed to have binge watched such an outlandish teen melodrama, but LUKE PERRY is in this show. So all y’all can shut it because I would watch that man watch paint dry. #Dylan4ever

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Also, seeing Cole Sprouse all grown up (and not entirely unattractive) caused me to realize I still remember most of the words to The Suite Life of Zack & Cody theme song. Which I watched because I have a younger brother. Not because I was in college and the Disney Channel made really great TV shows.

Needless to say, fall couldn’t get here fast enough and we finally kicked it off last night with DWTS! This season, I vow to say “Dancing With the Stars” instead of “Dancing With People You’ve Heard Of” because actually, this celebrity lineup is a solid B+. There are people who are recognizable in public, y’all. We have come so far. The only problem is that none of these guys are truly terrible dancers (aside from Barbs) so ranking them each week is going to be pretty hard. But don’t worry, I’m still gonna give it the old mediocre college try.

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As stated with last year’s Power Rankings, each week I will post my ranking of each couple that probably won’t coincide with the judges scores because A) I’m biased and B) there’s a large list of reality TV stars that I hate. Additionally, each ranking will be accompanied by unnecessary commentary because that’s just who I am as a person. Let’s get started.

13. Barbara Corcoran & Keo (Salsa, 14 out of 30)

O.M.G. I had NO idea that Barbara was this crazy. Has she ever once shown that personality on Shark Tank?! Shake Your Money Maker had me in stitches. I hope she’s not the first one voted off because even though her dancing is horrendous, her jokes are (fire emoji).

12. Debi Gibson & Alan (Foxtrot, 17 out of 30)

The only thing I really have to say about Debi is that someday I hope to be as rail thin as she is and God bless her, because Lyme disease sounds awful.

11. T.O. & Cheryl (Cha Cha, 15 out of 30)

I thought T.O.’s dance was good! Then he got reamed by the judges and I felt kinda bad for him. He’s not that bad, is he?

10. Sasha Pieterse & Gleb (Cha Cha, 18 out of 30)

Slutty Gleb is back! I feel like Sasha has a lot of potential but this dance did not match the music at all, people. Sorry bout cha.

9. Drew Scott & Emma (Foxtrot, 16 out of 30)

Ok, so he was a little awkward, but I thought he did well! I do wonder if he will stay on the show past his dancing ability because there HAS to be a huge voting crossover of women who watch HGTV and DWTS, right? Speaking of, did you guys know Joanna Gaines is getting a line at Target? Could I be more basic suburban housewife right now?

8. Nick Lachey & Peta (Cha Cha, 18 out of 30)

How did I not realize that 98 degrees never danced?? Nick did fine, but I’ll be honest, it was really hard for me to watch him because I was literally staring at Peta’s abs the entire time. How old is her baby?! #goals

7. Nikki Bella & Artem (Tango, 20 out of 30)

Look, I’m gonna say this in the nicest way possible. It’s a good thing they didn’t team up Nikki with Slutty Gleb or else this show would have to move to another network. And I don’t mean to sound all high and mighty, but why is female wrestling even a thing? Ew.

6. Vanessa Lachey & Maks (Cha Cha, 21 out of 30)

I didn’t know this chick was funny either! She has more rhythm than Nick. She will def beat him and let’s hope it’s before they run this marriage competition shtick into the ground.

5. Victoria Arlen & Val (Cha Cha, 19 out of 30)

Sooo Victoria already made me cry and Val was sneakyyyyyy with that choreography. It was so slow in the beginning, you were like oh man, this is it, isn’t it? This is the best she can move her legs. And then it was like JUST KIDDING I CAN MOVE MY LEGS FASTER THAN ANY OF YOU SLOBS ON YOUR COUCH RIGHT NOW. You go, V. (Also, I say “V” now because I’ve been watching Riverdale. STOP JUDGING ME IS LUKE PERRY DEAD OR NOT)

4. Frankie Muniz & Whitney (Foxtrot, 19 out of 30)

If you’re playing in the DWTS Fantasy League (and who isn’t?) Agent Cody Banks is a clutch sleeper pick. He is so much better than I expected! I also laughed so hard when Whitney said, “Some people are weird about that, they’re like ‘don’t call me Carlton,’” as she stares directly into the camera. All the crying laughing emojis. (Related: Is Alfonso Ribeiro like employed by DWTS now? Why is he always there? Does he have nothing else to do? Get a hobby, dude.)

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3. Derek Fisher & Sharna (Salsa, 18 out of 30)

Watch: Derek & Sharna’s Salsa

It is SO cute that Derek Fisher’s mom loves DWTS. They gotta let her come on the show. I’m putting Derek at #3 for the sole reason of his opening basketball dribbling ability. Listen, I played point guard in the 6th grade and dribbling is hard. The rest of the dance needed some work, but this dude’s got star power.

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2. Lindsey Stirling & Mark (Cha Cha, 22 out of 30)

Watch: Lindsey & Mark’s Cha Cha

I’m SO happy Mark is back! I had never heard of this Lindsey violin girl but my gracious, she. can. dance. and she seems really cute and fun! She definitely has a shot at the Mirror Ball, but I am most excited to see what insanely creative dances she and Mark come up with.

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1. Jordan Fisher & Lindsay (Tango, 22 out of 30)

Watch: Jordan & Lindsay’s Tango

Y’all know Lindsay is my favorite pro and I would vote for her even if her partner sucked. Lucky for us though, her partner is amazeballs, so I am just going to say this for the next 2 months: THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN.

DWTS, Power Rankings: Finals Preview

I’m calling an audible this week and doing a Finals PREview instead of a Semi-Finals Review, for one very important reason: The Chicago Cubs fanbase has totally screwed up the curve. So instead of talking about who deserves to win the mirror ball trophy, we should probably be talking about if David has enough votes to cause Normani or Rashad to lose. FREAKING-OUT-EMOJIS.

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4. David Ross

You don’t have to know me for very long to learn I’m a big sports girl. One look at my Twitter feed and you’ll see ALL.THE.SPORTS along with an irrational love of Rickie Fowler, which technically still falls under sports. To understand David making The Finals, you have to understand baseball, the World Series and a 108 year drought. ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT YEARS. There are generations of insanely grateful Chicago Cubs fans asking themselves how they could ever repay this guy for making their sports dreams come true and do you know how they’ve decided to do it? BY DOMINATING THE DANCING WITH THE STARS POLLS. And the judges don’t help. Their shock when Simone got kicked off, instead of David, just reeked of melodrama. I hope they come up with a new way to say “America loves you, but we still think you suck” because I’m getting tired of hearing “you’re the heart of this competition.” Giant eye roll.

David’s scores from the Semi-Finals: 

Judges Challenge Round, Julianne: Foxtrot (34 out of 40)

Watch: Tango (36 out of 40)

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3. Simone Biles

First things first, that glitter bra Simone wore was KILLER. Now, about her performance this season: I thought overall the judges were unfairly harsh on her. Look at how this week it took her just a few minutes with Carrie Ann to understand how to “act out” the characters in the dance and make small facial adjustments. If someone had showed her that in Week 2, alllllll this stupid drama could have been avoided and honestly, she probably would have won. They expected more from her than the other celebrities and IMO, they pushed her too hard. If an Olympic medalist breaks down crying and says it’s too hard, THEN IT’S TOO FREAKING HARD PEOPLE. I’m glad she ended up with two perfect scores and went out with a bang. She was the star of last week’s episode…well, her and Normani’s grandma but more on that later. Also, did that balance beam in her last dance make anyone else start crying and chanting USA! USA! USA!? We love you Simone! Thanks for everything. #TheFinalFive

Simone’s scores from the Semi-Finals:

Watch: Judges Challenge Round, Carrie Ann: Jive (40 out of 40)

Rumba (40 out of 40)

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2. Rashad Jennings

I LOVE to watch Rashad dance, but could never fully put my finger on why. When the judges explained that usually female pro’s have to “back lead”, I realized that Emma doesn’t do that with Rashad. He’s so amazing to watch because he leads like a man is supposed to in ballroom dance. Unfortunately, he comes in second for me because he hasn’t shown he can consistently dance the best each week and consistency is key. My husband claims he can play basketball as good as LeBron *sometimes*, he just can’t do it consistently. (Obviously this is a joke. I mean, no, he actually said it, but it’s not true. Sorry hunny.) I didn’t know much about Rashad before this season, but I REALLY like him now and somebody in the NFL better give him a job or I will cry. Also, only Bruno would call a football player a “sportman.” That’s so embarrassing.

Rashad’s scores from the Semi-Finals:

Watch: Judges Challenge Round, Bruno: Rumba (38 out of 40)

Quickstep (39 out of 40)

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1. Normani Kordei

At the start of this season, I mentioned that I once called Fifth Harmony slutty on Twitter and their psychotic harem of fans annihilated me. I’m ashamed to admit that each week you’ve all been witnesses of my journey to become an official member of the Harem. (Well, all 4 of you who read this blog. Hi mom!) I’m not saying I’m gonna buy tickets to a Fifth Harmony concert or anything (btw, did you know there are only 4 of them now? Yeah, I wikipedia’d them. Don’t judge me.) but Normani has won me over. She has been the best and most consistent dancer week after week and she deserves to win the mirror ball. Let’s just hope it doesn’t over-inflate Val’s already giant ego. Have you ever watched his Insta-stories? The man’s got abs, no doubt, but a story of you dancing alone, shirtless, is kinda weird. I’m totally still going to watch them, but it’s weird.

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And finally, about Normani grandmama. IDK why Val looked so shocked when she macked down on him on national television after he said: “First of all, Barbara’s already taken and she’s mine.” DON’T PLAY WITH OLD LADIES’ HEARTS VAL- said Normani’s grandma and American women everywhere.

Normani’s scores from the Semi-Finals:

Judges Challenge Round, Len: Viennese Waltz (36 out of 40)

Watch: Jazz (40 out of 40)

Don’t forget to tune in Monday & Tuesday night for the two-part finale to find out if the Chicago Cubs pull off another miracle! #GoCubsGo

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 8

Ok, so I had a *small* outburst last week. I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed eleven cookies in the VCR, because this week, DWTS completely redeemed itself! Pro pick was an awesome idea and I’m a big fan of laced-with-sexual-innuendos-Trio night. (I’m a fan of the trio DANCES, guys. Not the innuendos. Get your mind out of the gutter.) I’m ranking the dances separately because it was too much work to combine them and let’s be for real: I mail this in every week.

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Individual Dances: 

5. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Argentine Tango (30 out of 40)

Dude. Len takes it too far. #amiright? I mean, it’s like when Mr. Darcy said this to Elizabeth: “Your good opinion is rarely bestowed and therefore, more worth the earning” HE WAS ACTUALLY TALKING TO LEN! I *think* Len’s intent was to reprimand America (thanks bro), but it came off as downright insulting to Bonner. In other news, Sharna could dance around a freaking stick and I would watch it. She’s amazing.

4. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Jive (36 out of 40)

Sorry Rashad, I hate to put you this low, but this jive wasn’t great. Although, it made me tired just watching it, so I better not hear any NFL teams say this dude isn’t in shape.

3. Simone Biles & Sasha, Foxtrot (36 out of 40)

Ahem. I have written a strongly worded essay for the judges: GET OFF SIMONE FOR SMILING SO MUCH. MAYBE SHE IS A HAPPY PERSON WHO HASN’T BEEN JADED BY LIFE LIKE YOU OLD YOTCHES. I AM SO GLAD SHE STOOD UP FOR HERSELF AND FOUGHT BACK AGAINST YOU SAVAGES. Also, I really liked your dress, Julianne.

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2. David Ross & Lindsay, Waltz (36 out of 40)

Watch: David’s Waltz to “Humble and Kind”

If your dance makes me cry, you get bumped up. This waltz was perfect. It was adorable, and sweet, and humble, and kind. (See what I did there?) It was precious to see Lindsay pick that song for him and I know his family is super proud of him. (No seriously, I actually know that they are because his grandma goes to church with my grandma. THAT is some 6 degrees of separation.)

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1. Normani Kordei & Val, Contemporary (40 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Contemporary to “Freedom”

THIS.DANCE.WAS.KILLER. Once again, Normani totally deserved a perfect score and once again, I cried. I’m not big on “art”- like when I look at an abstract painting, I usually see something that looks like a kindergartener drew it, but I TOTALLY get the storytelling in contemporary dances. I think I was a beatnik in my former life.

Laced-with-sexual-innuendos-Trio Dances: 

5. David, Lindsay & Hayley, Paso Doble (29 out of 40)

Poor David peaked with the waltz. This Paso was bad. But he has such a good attitude about sucking! It’s refreshing. Also, he looked TERRIFYING at the end.

4. Bonner, Sharna & Britt, Jazz (28 out of 40)

I didn’t really think this dance was as raunchy as everyone kept saying. I’ve seen WAY worse on this show (Haaaave you met Gleb?) and furthermore, I adore any Texas oil money story you tell.

3. Simone, Sasha & Brittany, Paso Doble (36 out of 40)

Dude. Simone is PISSED at these judges. And rightfully so. They went from trying to give advice to improve her scores to just straight insulting her personality. YOU GO SIMONE. HAVE THOSE SAVAGE JUDGES WON ANY GOLD MEDALS? NO? THEN SHUT IT.

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2. Normani, Val & Alan, Jive (39 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Trio to “Feeling Alive”

Meh, I was underwhelmed by this dance, even though it was executed flawlessly. The best part was Bonner at the end and this awesome GIF I found.

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1. Rashad, Emma & Whitney, Argentine Tango (39 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Trio to “Dreams”

THIS DANCE WAS AMAZINGGGGGG. Hands down, Rashad’s best dance. KILLED. IT. It was a great concept too from Emma and Whitney for a trio dance. Also, the reason this next generation worries me is because Whitney thought Fleetwood Mac was a rapper. #facepalm

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Bonner Bolton & Sharna

America finally took Bonner out back and put him out of his misery. You’re welcome, Len.

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 7

We interrupt this week’s Power Rankings to bring you a very important announcement: This season sucks. 1) These guys are like D-List celebrities. 2) America kicked off the chick who could dance the best (albeit, I am somewhat to blame for this) and 3) Most of the people left on the show suck at dancing. After this week’s double elimination (which I’m sad to say was the highlight of the episode) it’s barely even a competition anymore. OH AND ALSO, “movie night” was stupid. It wasn’t even real movies! It was just, like, genres. STUPID.

I did enjoy Mandy Moore (not the famous one) as a guest judge and it was about. dang. time. they let her be one. She choreographed the entire freaking movie of La La Land (which was phenomenal by the way) and they let Pitbull judge before her. TWICE! Eye rolling emoji.

Negative Nancy will now return you to your regularly scheduled blog:

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7. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Paso Doble (29 out of 40)

There was so much going on in this dance, that it was hard for me to watch Bonner. Which maybe turned out to be a good thing because his dancing was *really* bad. Bonner may love westerns, but he’s no Clint Eastwood. Or Raylan Givens for that matter. (Speaking of Raylan, I’d like to use this opportunity to run an ad for my Justified blog: Coming Soon!)

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6. Nick Viall & Peta, Argentine Tango (34 out of 40)

I don’t know what is the matter with these people because their dance was decent, but Nick and Peta both look completely miserable.

5. David Ross & Lindsay, Salsa (32 out of 40)

Oh. My. Gosh. I had to wipe tears from my eyes after watching David and Lindsay’s package. I’m not usually one to find bodily functions hilarious, but I laughed SO HARD. I give it 10 crying laughing emojis! Lindsay is such a good sport. The fact that she was totally cool with showing that on national television is exactly why I love her. Not to mention, it’s been all over the internet since Monday night and she is still laughing about it on Twitter. David’s dance was good this week, he’s way more fun to watch when he’s in his element, just being chill and having fun. (Nick and Peta could take a lesson from these two.)

4. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Tango (36 out of 40)

I really liked this dance! Unfortunately, it wasn’t because of Nancy, it’s because I’m OBSESSED with Pretty Woman. “These are broken, mine are broken.”

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3. Simone Biles & Sasha, Charleston (37 out of 40)

Watch: Simone’s Charleston

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This dance was great! That one handed cartwheel they did holding hands was super impressive, but Simone still looks like she’s just going through the motions. I guess it’s hard to shake that olympic gold medal muscle memory.

2. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Paso Doble (37 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Paso Doble

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Props to Rashad for writing that creepy story!! It actually totally freaked me out. I really liked this dance, but I’m a little bit afraid to watch it again. You guys are on your own with this link.

1. Normani Kordei & Val, Argentine Tango (40 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Argentine Tango

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I feel like halfway through every one of Normani’s dances I just say, my LORD, she can dance. It’s a good thing she won immunity this week. I’m unsure of how strong her voting fanbase is and WE CANNOT LOSE ANOTHER GOOD DANCER, AMERICA.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Nick Viall & Peta

Nancy Kerrigan & Artem

DUDE. How are David and Bonner still on this show?! I’m assuming the entire Cubs fanbase is voting for David, (they showed his dance during another rain delay Monday night) but who the heck is voting for Bonner? I find it hard to believe there’s a huge crossover of Professional Bull Riding fans watching Dancing With the Stars. I guess they have just won America’s hearts. That, or there’s a lot of desperate housewives watching this show. Which we kind of already knew.

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 6

OMGGGGGGG boy band night is the GREATEST idea this show has ever had. I award myself 40 points for my performance singing all of the lyrics. It’s a crime it wasn’t televised, really.

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8. Nick Viall & Peta, Jive (28 out of 40)

It’s almost impossible for a jive to look slow, but this one did. It was actually, kind of a disgrace to the Beach Boys. (Sorry, guys.) Bruno said it looked like a “jive with a sun stroke” and that’s not… NOT true.

7. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Paso Doble (33 out of 40)

In the middle of this dance, Nancy twirled her skirt around four dudes and it was the absolute best dancing she’s done on this show. I’m ready for her to be kicked off now, I’ve seen enough.

6. Simone Biles & Sasha, Samba (35 out of 40)

I’M A SURVIVOR, I’M NOT GON GIVE UP, I’M NOT GON STOP, WHAT, I’M GON WORK HARDER. Sorry, still singing a bit there. Simone seemed off to me and IDK how to dance AT ALL but when I watch this show and the people’s moves don’t match the music- I’m like, yeah. Timing. Somethin’ ain’t right.

5. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Rumba (30 out of 40)

I thought this dance was really good. The judges are killing him on technicalities. Len said it wasn’t his best dance, but I kinda thought it was? To be fair, I would give anyone dancing to the Backstreet Boys a high score. TELL ME WHY- AIN’T NOTHIN BUT A HEARTACHE.

4. David Ross & Lindsay, Argentine Tango (29 out of 40)

I LOVED this dance! Yes, the lift was a bit shaky, but I’m choosing to ignore that part. Also, no, I didn’t just love it because they danced to N*SYNC. What a rude thing to suggest. YOU’RE ALL I EVER WANTED, YOU’RE ALL I EVER NEEDED, YEAHHH, SO TELL ME WHAT TO DO NOW, CAUSE I-I-I-I-I I WANT YOU BACK.

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3. Normani Kordei & Val, Salsa (38 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Salsa to “When I Grow Up”

Ok. I’m not *judging* because I’m an official member of the Fifth Harmony Harem now, but HOW was ANY of this dance classified as a salsa? Len was right to give them an 8. I did the salsa with a 40 year old bus driver in Guatemala once and it.did.NOT.look.like.this.

EMMA SLATER, RASHAD JENNINGS

2. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Tango (37 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Tango to “Reach Out I’ll Be There”

The beginning of this dance was super awesome and Rashad is just killin’ it out there. I *thought* this was the best dance of the night. But then…

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1. Heather Morris & Maks, Rumba (40 out of 40)

Watch: Heather’s Rumba to “Waterfalls”

I’m not gonna lie, a big part of the reason she gets the #1 spot this week is because she danced to DON’T GO CHASING WATERFALLS, PLEASE STICK TO THE RIVERS AND THE LAKES THAT YOU’RE USED TO. This was the best rumba I’ve ever seen and somehow part of it was to a RAP?! Heather, Maks and this rumba deserved the first perfect score of the season. But then…

Team Dances!

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Girls: (34 out of 40)

These four are all such good dancers that I think the judges had too high of expectations for them. Their dance was SO content heavy. The judges were unjustly harsh on them.

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Boys: (33 out of 40) 

The boys video package was HILARIOUS, I wish I could watch it over and over. Their dance was pretty awesome and definitely entertaining. It wasn’t nearly as hard as the girls’ dance though.

When they announced that the entire boy team was safe, I thought FOR SURE Normani was in for it. AND I *JUST* JOINED THE DANGED HAREM! But then…

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Heather Morris & Maks

I was SHOCKED when Heather got kicked off and a little afraid that my bad mouthing her for six weeks may have negatively influenced America’s opinion of her. Oops. One more time, for old time’s sake: SHE WAS BEYONCE’S BACKUP DANCER. Nailed that rumba, tho.

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 5

Disney Night! and I swear, Alfonso Ribeiro is on this show more than Len.

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9. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Viennese Waltz, “Finding Dory” (32 out of 40)

There’s ALWAYS a drama queen each season and Erika is it. She really is a good dancer, but why she waited until Week 5 to actually TRY to dance is beyond me.

8. Nick Viall & Peta, Jazz, “Pinocchio” (34 out of 40)

Nick was right, this was totally emasculating. He should have refused to do it.

7. David Ross & Lindsay, Jive, “Cars 3” (29 out of 40)

It pains me to put David and Lindsay this low, but this dance wasn’t good. It was super fast and their scores were awful. We’re getting to that point in the competition where you have to blow the judges’ minds if you want to survive and advance. I think he’s getting discouraged. Sad.

6. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Tango, “Wreck-It Ralph” (30 out of 40)

I feel like the judges gave Bonner lip service and then completely lowballed him with bad scores! This tango was choppy, but his back doesn’t bend right because HE GOT THROWN OFF OF A BULL AND PARALYZED, remember?

5. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Foxtrot, “Beauty and the Beast” (32 out of 40)

Rashad is super inconsistent. Last week, he almost got a perfect score and this week, he’s fallen realllllllllly far down the rankings. I totally saw the same timing issues the judges were talking about, but seriously, that song has like no downbeats! It was impossible to keep time and is that even Rashad’s fault? Seems like a choreography problem to me. (Sorry, Emma.) Btw, the new Beauty and the Beast movie is AMAZING. Although definitely awkward to root for a young girl to fall in love with an animal, when it’s “live action.” Ew.

4. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Jazz, “Enchanted” (36 out of 40)

Nancy gets the highest scores with the least memorable dances. Meh.

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3. Heather Morris & Maks/Alan, Jazz, “Frozen” (34 out of 40)

Watch: Heather’s Jazz to “For the First Time in Forever”

I’m still gonna say it, but without caps this week because she is slowly winning me over: she was Beyonce’s backup dancer. I actually thought the judges were a bit harsh on her because this dance was good!

SIMONE BILES, SASHA FARBER

2. Simone Biles & Sasha, Contemporary, “Moana” (38 out of 40)

Watch: Simone’s Contemporary to “How Far I’ll Go”

I feel like Simone is stuck in gymnast mode. She does all the moves correctly, but she doesn’t really *dance.* This was the closest she’s come. Also, please enjoy this clip of my friend’s 3 year old singing “I am Moana.” You will not be disappointed. All the crying laughing emojis. I AM MOANA

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1. Normani Kordei & Val, Paso Doble, “Mulan” (39 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Paso to “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”

I can’t believe Normani is in jeopardy! I guess her Harem is too young to watch DWTS. They are probably watching… instead. Wait, what do young people watch these days? Man, I feel as old as Donny Osmond looked. Speaking of, this dang Mulan song gets me EVERY TIME.

We must be swift as a coursing river

With all the force of a great typhoon

With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

I just start crying while I’m belting out these lyrics because I can see Mulan finally making it to the top of that giant pole! YOU GO, GIRL! Seriously, Disney princesses really do make you feel like you can do anything. Thanks, Disney Night!

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Erika Jayne & Gleb: Good luck in your future slutty endeavors.