Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 3)

1) How in this world did Moose get shot from literally 5 feet away and LIVE? #Melodrama. But don’t worry, Jughead covered their tracks with the terrible aim joke. Crying laughing emoji.

2) What’s the difference in a ski mask and a black hood? I hate to point out the obvious, Mr. Murderer, but they look exactly the same. Is it just that one comes with precut eye holes and you had to cut yours out at home yourself? I legitimately don’t get it.

3) Was it just the camera angle or is Archie a whole head taller than Veronica’s dad?

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4) Is Polly really having twins? Has a doctor confirmed this? Or are we just taking Nana’s gypsy blood word for it.

5) Could they not come up with slightly more inventive newspaper names? “Blue and Gold” “Red and Black”…c’mon guys. Let’s at least TRY to be creative.

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6) Does Hermione Lodge love Hiram or is she mostly terrified of what he’ll do to her if she turns against him?

7) Why does the entire set of Riverdale always look foggy? Do they use a fog machine to achieve this?

8) Does Toni like Jughead? Is Betty jealous of Toni? (These are rhetorical questions because the answer is a total, duh.)

9) Is Veronica’s dad trying to get Archie killed by urging him to confront the hooded man?! That’s a high price to pay just for being taller than you, Padre.

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10) Is everyone ok from that fake out of Kevin getting stabbed??? Because my heart rate still has not returned to normal.

P.S. Shoutout to the man in the black hood for returning Luke Perry’s wallet! Thanks bro.

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 2)

1) First, and most importantly, where can I buy Veronica’s blue velvet jacket?

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2) What happened to the cast Archie was wearing?

3) Why has it taken me 15 episodes of this show to notice all the name alliterations? Archie Andrews. Jughead Jones. Geraldine Grundy. Kevin Keller. Penny Peabody. I catch on quick, y’all.

4) If Luke Perry’s wallet is still missing, have they ordered a new debit card and switched all of their auto-pay bills to the new card number? Because that is a bigger pain than being shot. (I mean, probably. I haven’t been shot, but I HATE getting a new debit card.)

5) Where the heck is Polly? It is highly improbable that a super pregnant chick wouldn’t show up to a milkshake party.

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6) How did Archie get the blood stains out of his letterman jacket? I can’t even get pen marks off my husband’s shorts.

7) WHERE DID VERONICA’S DAD REALLY SEND SMITHERS!!

8) Why is Penny Peabody called the Snake Charmer? Creepy.

9) Does “Jingle Jangle” give you a sugar high? Because it looked like those kids were eating pixy stix. You know, before the masked man SHOWED UP AND COMPLETELY BLEW THEIR BRAINS OUT. (I am not ok. I am not ok.)

10) Seriously. Smithers. WHERE IS HE HIRAM?

Riverdale: 10 Questions We Need to Ask (Part 1)

Riverdale fancies itself a teen melodrama with a side of murder mystery. It’s not Emmy worthy, but it *does* leave me with a lot of questions. Here are ten I wrote down after last night’s season 2 premiere.

(Why is a 30 year old woman watching a teen mystery drama? That’s not one of the questions, so shhh.)

1) Why does the entire town look like it’s stuck in 1955? Including the creepy and terrifying hospital. We’ve got a definite Pleasantville vibe going on. *shudder*

2) When did Cole Sprouse become so attractive? I’m not trying to go full Miss Grundy, but I just need everyone to know: I came for Luke Perry, but I stayed for Jughead on a motorcycle.

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3) Did Cheryl and her mom kill her dad and make it look like a suicide?! WHAT REALLY HAPPENED IN THE BARN CHERYL.

4) Where is Luke Perry’s wallet?!

5) Why did Miss Grundy only move one town over? She is so stupid.

6) Is the masked man the only person in Riverdale with green eyes? It’s hardly an identifying factor.

7) Why does Betty keep telling her mom stuff? “I almost had sex with Jughead but then he put on a Southside Serpents jacket.” BETTY SHUTUP.

8) How does Cheryl’s lipstick never get on her teeth?

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9) Are Veronica’s parents good or bad?

10) Why can high school kids eat hamburgers, French fries and milkshakes galore and STILL not get fat?

Life’s not fair.