DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 1

Dear Long Lost Readers,

I took the summer off from blogging because, let’s be for real, summer TV is the WORST. And why is that? It’s like they expect us to actually go outside or something. Sir, it’s 1000 degrees here, THROW ME A BINGE WATCHING BONE. Basically, I’ve been sitting around since May, watching reruns of Dawson’s Creek and these semi-entertaining shows:

The Sinner. Jessica Biel is just SMOKIN hot (you go, JT) but this show lowkey terrifies me. Tomorrow night is the last episode and I think we can all admit we’re just ready for it to be over. *shudder*

Suits. Summer TV’s redeeming quality was finally seeing that #DARVEY kiss we spent 7 years waiting on. And was it worth it? I mean, kinda. The real payoff will come when Harvey initiates a kiss with Donna, which will coincidentally also be WHEN I DIE FROM SHEER HAPPINESS, but that probably won’t be for another 7 years because this ship is the slowest of slow burns.

Riverdale. I’d be lying if I wasn’t *slightly* embarrassed to have binge watched such an outlandish teen melodrama, but LUKE PERRY is in this show. So all y’all can shut it because I would watch that man watch paint dry. #Dylan4ever

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Also, seeing Cole Sprouse all grown up (and not entirely unattractive) caused me to realize I still remember most of the words to The Suite Life of Zack & Cody theme song. Which I watched because I have a younger brother. Not because I was in college and the Disney Channel made really great TV shows.

Needless to say, fall couldn’t get here fast enough and we finally kicked it off last night with DWTS! This season, I vow to say “Dancing With the Stars” instead of “Dancing With People You’ve Heard Of” because actually, this celebrity lineup is a solid B+. There are people who are recognizable in public, y’all. We have come so far. The only problem is that none of these guys are truly terrible dancers (aside from Barbs) so ranking them each week is going to be pretty hard. But don’t worry, I’m still gonna give it the old mediocre college try.

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As stated with last year’s Power Rankings, each week I will post my ranking of each couple that probably won’t coincide with the judges scores because A) I’m biased and B) there’s a large list of reality TV stars that I hate. Additionally, each ranking will be accompanied by unnecessary commentary because that’s just who I am as a person. Let’s get started.

13. Barbara Corcoran & Keo (Salsa, 14 out of 30)

O.M.G. I had NO idea that Barbara was this crazy. Has she ever once shown that personality on Shark Tank?! Shake Your Money Maker had me in stitches. I hope she’s not the first one voted off because even though her dancing is horrendous, her jokes are (fire emoji).

12. Debi Gibson & Alan (Foxtrot, 17 out of 30)

The only thing I really have to say about Debi is that someday I hope to be as rail thin as she is and God bless her, because Lyme disease sounds awful.

11. T.O. & Cheryl (Cha Cha, 15 out of 30)

I thought T.O.’s dance was good! Then he got reamed by the judges and I felt kinda bad for him. He’s not that bad, is he?

10. Sasha Pieterse & Gleb (Cha Cha, 18 out of 30)

Slutty Gleb is back! I feel like Sasha has a lot of potential but this dance did not match the music at all, people. Sorry bout cha.

9. Drew Scott & Emma (Foxtrot, 16 out of 30)

Ok, so he was a little awkward, but I thought he did well! I do wonder if he will stay on the show past his dancing ability because there HAS to be a huge voting crossover of women who watch HGTV and DWTS, right? Speaking of, did you guys know Joanna Gaines is getting a line at Target? Could I be more basic suburban housewife right now?

8. Nick Lachey & Peta (Cha Cha, 18 out of 30)

How did I not realize that 98 degrees never danced?? Nick did fine, but I’ll be honest, it was really hard for me to watch him because I was literally staring at Peta’s abs the entire time. How old is her baby?! #goals

7. Nikki Bella & Artem (Tango, 20 out of 30)

Look, I’m gonna say this in the nicest way possible. It’s a good thing they didn’t team up Nikki with Slutty Gleb or else this show would have to move to another network. And I don’t mean to sound all high and mighty, but why is female wrestling even a thing? Ew.

6. Vanessa Lachey & Maks (Cha Cha, 21 out of 30)

I didn’t know this chick was funny either! She has more rhythm than Nick. She will def beat him and let’s hope it’s before they run this marriage competition shtick into the ground.

5. Victoria Arlen & Val (Cha Cha, 19 out of 30)

Sooo Victoria already made me cry and Val was sneakyyyyyy with that choreography. It was so slow in the beginning, you were like oh man, this is it, isn’t it? This is the best she can move her legs. And then it was like JUST KIDDING I CAN MOVE MY LEGS FASTER THAN ANY OF YOU SLOBS ON YOUR COUCH RIGHT NOW. You go, V. (Also, I say “V” now because I’ve been watching Riverdale. STOP JUDGING ME IS LUKE PERRY DEAD OR NOT)

4. Frankie Muniz & Whitney (Foxtrot, 19 out of 30)

If you’re playing in the DWTS Fantasy League (and who isn’t?) Agent Cody Banks is a clutch sleeper pick. He is so much better than I expected! I also laughed so hard when Whitney said, “Some people are weird about that, they’re like ‘don’t call me Carlton,’” as she stares directly into the camera. All the crying laughing emojis. (Related: Is Alfonso Ribeiro like employed by DWTS now? Why is he always there? Does he have nothing else to do? Get a hobby, dude.)

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3. Derek Fisher & Sharna (Salsa, 18 out of 30)

Watch: Derek & Sharna’s Salsa

It is SO cute that Derek Fisher’s mom loves DWTS. They gotta let her come on the show. I’m putting Derek at #3 for the sole reason of his opening basketball dribbling ability. Listen, I played point guard in the 6th grade and dribbling is hard. The rest of the dance needed some work, but this dude’s got star power.

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2. Lindsey Stirling & Mark (Cha Cha, 22 out of 30)

Watch: Lindsey & Mark’s Cha Cha

I’m SO happy Mark is back! I had never heard of this Lindsey violin girl but my gracious, she. can. dance. and she seems really cute and fun! She definitely has a shot at the Mirror Ball, but I am most excited to see what insanely creative dances she and Mark come up with.

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1. Jordan Fisher & Lindsay (Tango, 22 out of 30)

Watch: Jordan & Lindsay’s Tango

Y’all know Lindsay is my favorite pro and I would vote for her even if her partner sucked. Lucky for us though, her partner is amazeballs, so I am just going to say this for the next 2 months: THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN.

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