DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 2

My apologies for the blog being late this week, I was a bit busy. A) I got sucked into a rewatch of Gilmore Girls, Season 2 (am I the only one who thinks Milo was way cuter when he was younger?) B) I spent like half a day in Target buying a velvet ottoman and C) there were a BILLION dances to review! I mean, I love DWTS as much as the next white girl, but FOUR hours in one week is a big commitment y’all. Let’s not do this full 2-night thing again. It’s exhausting. I combined Ballroom Night & Latin Night into one review because no normal human could organize this mess.

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13. Barbara Corcoran & Keo (Tango, 17 out of 30)

If anyone deserves the #1 spot in the power rankings this week, it’s Keo’s VELVET SUIT! Slay boy. Slay.

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Barbara is presh and when she said she didn’t want people to laugh at her, ugh, I almost started crying. Unfortunately, Barbs only got to dance once this week because she was eliminated Monday night. I kind of wish they would have Shark Tanked her by saying something like, Barbs, you’re a horrendous dancer “and for that reason, you’re out.”

12. Debbie Gibson & Alan (Quickstep, 20 out of 30) & (Argentine Tango, 21 out of 30)

Why did I think her name was spelled Debi? I could have SWORN it was. Are we sure they didn’t change it? Anyway, she got kicked off Tuesday night, so while I may have learned to spell her name correctly, it doesn’t really matter. Oops.

11. Nick Lachey & Peta (Foxtrot, 19 out of 30) & (Argentine Tango, 19 out of 30)

Meh. Nick looks super awkward when he dances and I don’t have much faith in his ability to get better. His Argentine Tango was good though, the judges scored him too low.

10. Nikki Bella & Artem (Waltz, 21 out of 30) & (Samba, 18 out of 30)

I have no idea where to put Nikki in the rankings. I feel like my dislike of her as a human influences my ranking ability. I thought her waltz was boring and her samba was just bad. I don’t understand her. She’s a self-proclaimed tomboy who wears skimpy clothes and parades around throwing men on the ground for a living, but she was nervous about doing a sexy dance? This is why men can’t understand women. We make no sense.

9. T.O. & Cheryl (Foxtrot, 20 out of 30) & (Samba, 19 out of 30)

MY GRACIOUS that Magic Mike move!! Wide-eyed emoji. See, I told y’all T.O. was not that bad! Granted, he has a bit of an attitude problem, but when he admitted he watches Drew on Property Brothers, I lol’d.

8. Drew Scott & Emma (Quickstep, 20 out of 30) & (Rumba, 21 out of 30)

I hate when they show injuries right before people dance. I can’t even focus on the dance because I’m just waiting for a leg to snap. I agree he is “gangly” as the judges said, but the dude can’t help it. He’s like 6’4” 150 pounds! (Idk if this is true.) But the spray tan killed me. Hahahaha so funny.

7. Sasha Pieterse & Gleb (Viennese Waltz, 23 out of 30) & (Rumba, 22 out of 30)

I’m having an issue with Sasha as well. She seems likable and I think she’s a good dancer, but her dances are… boring? Forgettable? Whatever the opposite of memorable is, that’s what her dances are.

6. Derek Fisher & Sharna (Foxtrot, 19 out of 30) & (Paso Doble, 19 out of 30)

I’M SO HAPPY HIS MOM WAS THERE!!! We need to get this woman on as a judge, she knows her stuff. I like Derek and I like his dances, but he’s gonna have to make some big improvements if he wants to stick around.

5. Victoria Arlen & Val (Tango, 24 out of 30) & (Rumba, 20 out of 30)

My favorite part of Val being a pro is when he gets in verbal disagreements with Len. I WANT MORE. MORE! In related news, it was Victoria’s birthday and Taylor Swift sent her flowers, which would be really sweet if T. Swift wasn’t taking over the world.

4. Vanessa Lachey & Maks (Foxtrot, 24 out of 30) & (Salsa, 23 out of 30)

Ok, Vanessa is WAY better than Nick. I thought I wouldn’t like her. You know, because I tend to be a bit judgy of socialite/model/actresses who host TRL (show me your shocked face) but this girl is winning me over! She is really funny too. I almost picked her for my fantasy league next week, but I decided to stick with these three…

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3. Lindsey Stirling & Mark (Quickstep, 21 out of 30) & (Salsa, 24 out of 30)

Watch: QuickstepSalsa

Lindsey is adorable and she looks like a freakin pro out there, but that caterpillar/butterfly stage design was just too much, guys. It looked like a ride at Disney World. You know who she kind of reminds me of? Penny from Dirty Dancing. Just watch, you’ll see it.

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2. Frankie Muniz & Witney (Tango, 23 out of 30) & (Cha Cha, 25 out of 30)

Watch: Tango / Cha Cha

I LOVE this dude. Agent Cody Banks gave me 48 points this week in the fantasy league. (I mean, I think. I don’t really know how it works.) With the first 9 of the season, this kid is going places. Y’all better not have slept on my fantasy advice last week!! HOLLLLLLA. Maybe I should start sports gambling…

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1. Jordan Fisher & Lindsay (Viennese Waltz, 24 out of 30) & (Samba, 24 out of 30)

Watch: Viennese Waltz / Samba

Jordan is just ridiculously good. Like insanely, incredibly, RIDICULOUSLY good. He did point his toes weird on that samba, I gotta agree with Len, but this power couple is UN-stoppable. You know, unless no one votes for them. SO VOTE FOR THEM. AHHHHHHHH.

This week’s double elimination: Barbara & Debbie, not Debi. 

An Unpopular Opinion… Why Tim Riggins should have REALLY ended up with Becky.

SOMEONE at the great state of Netflix has decided to pull Friday Night Lights off the flipping internet at the end of this month. It’s a decision for which they should be drawn and quartered, but nevertheless, it’s happening. So I spent this week saying goodbye to the whole squad: Coach Taylor, Matt & Julie, Lyla, and of course, the beautiful Tim Riggins. FNL actually ended pretty well, except for *one* minor detail. Tim Riggins gets his GORGEOUS piece of #TexasForever property, starts to build a house and we’re left to believe that one day, he and TYRA end up together. C’MON MAN. This is just lazy! For a myriad of reasons, she was never right for him (the least of which is their siblings being married #redneck.) Furthermore, LYLA was never right for him either. It should have been me Becky and I intend to convince you why.

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One. From the beginning of this show, Tim and Tyra are at each other’s throats. They come from the same side of the tracks, but are they really even friends? They’re stuck in a toxic, volatile relationship, bringing out the absolute worst in each other and we’re supposed to believe that they magically fall back in love and all this time were destined to be soulmates? Uh uh. NOPE. Tyra says in the finale that she’s loved Tim since she was 5 years old (which was NEVER brought up until now, btw. Convenient.) but I’m sorry honey, to the rest of us, it just looked like he had some muscle-y, long haired hold over you. That ain’t love.

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Two. Everyone knows that Tim loved Lyla. I mean, LOVED Lyla, but she was too good for him. She wanted more of out life than small town Texas (no offense, Tejas) and Tim couldn’t give it to her. For awhile it seemed like Lyla could make Tim into a better man, but really it just made him feel inadequate and ultimately, he chose to be himself. (Mad props bro.) Maybe if Minka Kelly hadn’t wanted to leave the show, Tim and Lyla would have ended up together (which, I cannot lie, would have been a THOUSAND times better than the bogus Tyra storyline) but we all know Lyla would have been unhappy settling for a life in Dillon. It is *gut-wrenching* to watch her leave him on that bus, but they were doomed from the start. (Btw, what kind of crazy do you have to be to LEAVE Tim Riggins? SMH.)

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Three. Enter Becky. Now, I know that she’s younger than Tim and there’s that little awkward situation where he slept with her mom… BUT JUST LISTEN for a second. She was his cheerleader! She adorrrrred him and believed in him when no one else did. He was basically left as her only adult supervision because her mother is a sucky flake, and he takes REAL care of her. He gives her his ONE prized possession when he goes to prison AND this is the kicker, THEY SHARE AN ADORABLE DOG. I mean, seriously people. Also, he punched Billy in the face for letting her waitress at a strip club. I’m happy that Becky did the high school thing and dated Luke, but when she’s 22 and Tim Riggins is 25 they are gonna realize they were SO stupid. You know, if they were real people and this actually mattered at all.

SO. To sum up: Tyra doesn’t push Tim to be a better man, Lyla makes him feel like he’s never good enough, but somehow Becky pushes him and accepts him all at the same time. He treats her so kindly that it shows us he really is a good guy… You know, despite his alcoholism and stint in prison.

Listen, you don’t have to agree with me, but I’m right. Texas Forever, y’all.

(This has been the first installment of my many unpopular opinions. Tune in next time to hear why the ending of How I Met Your Mother left me in a fit of rage.)

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 1

Dear Long Lost Readers,

I took the summer off from blogging because, let’s be for real, summer TV is the WORST. And why is that? It’s like they expect us to actually go outside or something. Sir, it’s 1000 degrees here, THROW ME A BINGE WATCHING BONE. Basically, I’ve been sitting around since May, watching reruns of Dawson’s Creek and these semi-entertaining shows:

The Sinner. Jessica Biel is just SMOKIN hot (you go, JT) but this show lowkey terrifies me. Tomorrow night is the last episode and I think we can all admit we’re just ready for it to be over. *shudder*

Suits. Summer TV’s redeeming quality was finally seeing that #DARVEY kiss we spent 7 years waiting on. And was it worth it? I mean, kinda. The real payoff will come when Harvey initiates a kiss with Donna, which will coincidentally also be WHEN I DIE FROM SHEER HAPPINESS, but that probably won’t be for another 7 years because this ship is the slowest of slow burns.

Riverdale. I’d be lying if I wasn’t *slightly* embarrassed to have binge watched such an outlandish teen melodrama, but LUKE PERRY is in this show. So all y’all can shut it because I would watch that man watch paint dry. #Dylan4ever

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Also, seeing Cole Sprouse all grown up (and not entirely unattractive) caused me to realize I still remember most of the words to The Suite Life of Zack & Cody theme song. Which I watched because I have a younger brother. Not because I was in college and the Disney Channel made really great TV shows.

Needless to say, fall couldn’t get here fast enough and we finally kicked it off last night with DWTS! This season, I vow to say “Dancing With the Stars” instead of “Dancing With People You’ve Heard Of” because actually, this celebrity lineup is a solid B+. There are people who are recognizable in public, y’all. We have come so far. The only problem is that none of these guys are truly terrible dancers (aside from Barbs) so ranking them each week is going to be pretty hard. But don’t worry, I’m still gonna give it the old mediocre college try.

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As stated with last year’s Power Rankings, each week I will post my ranking of each couple that probably won’t coincide with the judges scores because A) I’m biased and B) there’s a large list of reality TV stars that I hate. Additionally, each ranking will be accompanied by unnecessary commentary because that’s just who I am as a person. Let’s get started.

13. Barbara Corcoran & Keo (Salsa, 14 out of 30)

O.M.G. I had NO idea that Barbara was this crazy. Has she ever once shown that personality on Shark Tank?! Shake Your Money Maker had me in stitches. I hope she’s not the first one voted off because even though her dancing is horrendous, her jokes are (fire emoji).

12. Debi Gibson & Alan (Foxtrot, 17 out of 30)

The only thing I really have to say about Debi is that someday I hope to be as rail thin as she is and God bless her, because Lyme disease sounds awful.

11. T.O. & Cheryl (Cha Cha, 15 out of 30)

I thought T.O.’s dance was good! Then he got reamed by the judges and I felt kinda bad for him. He’s not that bad, is he?

10. Sasha Pieterse & Gleb (Cha Cha, 18 out of 30)

Slutty Gleb is back! I feel like Sasha has a lot of potential but this dance did not match the music at all, people. Sorry bout cha.

9. Drew Scott & Emma (Foxtrot, 16 out of 30)

Ok, so he was a little awkward, but I thought he did well! I do wonder if he will stay on the show past his dancing ability because there HAS to be a huge voting crossover of women who watch HGTV and DWTS, right? Speaking of, did you guys know Joanna Gaines is getting a line at Target? Could I be more basic suburban housewife right now?

8. Nick Lachey & Peta (Cha Cha, 18 out of 30)

How did I not realize that 98 degrees never danced?? Nick did fine, but I’ll be honest, it was really hard for me to watch him because I was literally staring at Peta’s abs the entire time. How old is her baby?! #goals

7. Nikki Bella & Artem (Tango, 20 out of 30)

Look, I’m gonna say this in the nicest way possible. It’s a good thing they didn’t team up Nikki with Slutty Gleb or else this show would have to move to another network. And I don’t mean to sound all high and mighty, but why is female wrestling even a thing? Ew.

6. Vanessa Lachey & Maks (Cha Cha, 21 out of 30)

I didn’t know this chick was funny either! She has more rhythm than Nick. She will def beat him and let’s hope it’s before they run this marriage competition shtick into the ground.

5. Victoria Arlen & Val (Cha Cha, 19 out of 30)

Sooo Victoria already made me cry and Val was sneakyyyyyy with that choreography. It was so slow in the beginning, you were like oh man, this is it, isn’t it? This is the best she can move her legs. And then it was like JUST KIDDING I CAN MOVE MY LEGS FASTER THAN ANY OF YOU SLOBS ON YOUR COUCH RIGHT NOW. You go, V. (Also, I say “V” now because I’ve been watching Riverdale. STOP JUDGING ME IS LUKE PERRY DEAD OR NOT)

4. Frankie Muniz & Whitney (Foxtrot, 19 out of 30)

If you’re playing in the DWTS Fantasy League (and who isn’t?) Agent Cody Banks is a clutch sleeper pick. He is so much better than I expected! I also laughed so hard when Whitney said, “Some people are weird about that, they’re like ‘don’t call me Carlton,’” as she stares directly into the camera. All the crying laughing emojis. (Related: Is Alfonso Ribeiro like employed by DWTS now? Why is he always there? Does he have nothing else to do? Get a hobby, dude.)

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3. Derek Fisher & Sharna (Salsa, 18 out of 30)

Watch: Derek & Sharna’s Salsa

It is SO cute that Derek Fisher’s mom loves DWTS. They gotta let her come on the show. I’m putting Derek at #3 for the sole reason of his opening basketball dribbling ability. Listen, I played point guard in the 6th grade and dribbling is hard. The rest of the dance needed some work, but this dude’s got star power.

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2. Lindsey Stirling & Mark (Cha Cha, 22 out of 30)

Watch: Lindsey & Mark’s Cha Cha

I’m SO happy Mark is back! I had never heard of this Lindsey violin girl but my gracious, she. can. dance. and she seems really cute and fun! She definitely has a shot at the Mirror Ball, but I am most excited to see what insanely creative dances she and Mark come up with.

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1. Jordan Fisher & Lindsay (Tango, 22 out of 30)

Watch: Jordan & Lindsay’s Tango

Y’all know Lindsay is my favorite pro and I would vote for her even if her partner sucked. Lucky for us though, her partner is amazeballs, so I am just going to say this for the next 2 months: THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN THEY ARE GONNA WIN.