Ok, so I had a *small* outburst last week. I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed eleven cookies in the VCR, because this week, DWTS completely redeemed itself! Pro pick was an awesome idea and I’m a big fan of laced-with-sexual-innuendos-Trio night. (I’m a fan of the trio DANCES, guys. Not the innuendos. Get your mind out of the gutter.) I’m ranking the dances separately because it was too much work to combine them and let’s be for real: I mail this in every week.
5. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Argentine Tango (30 out of 40)
Dude. Len takes it too far. #amiright? I mean, it’s like when Mr. Darcy said this to Elizabeth: “Your good opinion is rarely bestowed and therefore, more worth the earning” HE WAS ACTUALLY TALKING TO LEN! I *think* Len’s intent was to reprimand America (thanks bro), but it came off as downright insulting to Bonner. In other news, Sharna could dance around a freaking stick and I would watch it. She’s amazing.
4. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Jive (36 out of 40)
Sorry Rashad, I hate to put you this low, but this jive wasn’t great. Although, it made me tired just watching it, so I better not hear any NFL teams say this dude isn’t in shape.
3. Simone Biles & Sasha, Foxtrot (36 out of 40)
Ahem. I have written a strongly worded essay for the judges: GET OFF SIMONE FOR SMILING SO MUCH. MAYBE SHE IS A HAPPY PERSON WHO HASN’T BEEN JADED BY LIFE LIKE YOU OLD YOTCHES. I AM SO GLAD SHE STOOD UP FOR HERSELF AND FOUGHT BACK AGAINST YOU SAVAGES. Also, I really liked your dress, Julianne.
2. David Ross & Lindsay, Waltz (36 out of 40)
If your dance makes me cry, you get bumped up. This waltz was perfect. It was adorable, and sweet, and humble, and kind. (See what I did there?) It was precious to see Lindsay pick that song for him and I know his family is super proud of him. (No seriously, I actually know that they are because his grandma goes to church with my grandma. THAT is some 6 degrees of separation.)
1. Normani Kordei & Val, Contemporary (40 out of 40)
THIS.DANCE.WAS.KILLER. Once again, Normani totally deserved a perfect score and once again, I cried. I’m not big on “art”- like when I look at an abstract painting, I usually see something that looks like a kindergartener drew it, but I TOTALLY get the storytelling in contemporary dances. I think I was a beatnik in my former life.
5. David, Lindsay & Hayley, Paso Doble (29 out of 40)
Poor David peaked with the waltz. This Paso was bad. But he has such a good attitude about sucking! It’s refreshing. Also, he looked TERRIFYING at the end.
4. Bonner, Sharna & Britt, Jazz (28 out of 40)
I didn’t really think this dance was as raunchy as everyone kept saying. I’ve seen WAY worse on this show (Haaaave you met Gleb?) and furthermore, I adore any Texas oil money story you tell.
3. Simone, Sasha & Brittany, Paso Doble (36 out of 40)
Dude. Simone is PISSED at these judges. And rightfully so. They went from trying to give advice to improve her scores to just straight insulting her personality. YOU GO SIMONE. HAVE THOSE SAVAGE JUDGES WON ANY GOLD MEDALS? NO? THEN SHUT IT.
2. Normani, Val & Alan, Jive (39 out of 40)
Meh, I was underwhelmed by this dance, even though it was executed flawlessly. The best part was Bonner at the end and this awesome GIF I found.
1. Rashad, Emma & Whitney, Argentine Tango (39 out of 40)
Watch: Rashad’s Trio to “Dreams”
THIS DANCE WAS AMAZINGGGGGG. Hands down, Rashad’s best dance. KILLED. IT. It was a great concept too from Emma and Whitney for a trio dance. Also, the reason this next generation worries me is because Whitney thought Fleetwood Mac was a rapper. #facepalm
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:
Bonner Bolton & Sharna
America finally took Bonner out back and put him out of his misery. You’re welcome, Len.