DWTS, Power Rankings: Finals Preview

I’m calling an audible this week and doing a Finals PREview instead of a Semi-Finals Review, for one very important reason: The Chicago Cubs fanbase has totally screwed up the curve. So instead of talking about who deserves to win the mirror ball trophy, we should probably be talking about if David has enough votes to cause Normani or Rashad to lose. FREAKING-OUT-EMOJIS.

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4. David Ross

You don’t have to know me for very long to learn I’m a big sports girl. One look at my Twitter feed and you’ll see ALL.THE.SPORTS along with an irrational love of Rickie Fowler, which technically still falls under sports. To understand David making The Finals, you have to understand baseball, the World Series and a 108 year drought. ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHT YEARS. There are generations of insanely grateful Chicago Cubs fans asking themselves how they could ever repay this guy for making their sports dreams come true and do you know how they’ve decided to do it? BY DOMINATING THE DANCING WITH THE STARS POLLS. And the judges don’t help. Their shock when Simone got kicked off, instead of David, just reeked of melodrama. I hope they come up with a new way to say “America loves you, but we still think you suck” because I’m getting tired of hearing “you’re the heart of this competition.” Giant eye roll.

David’s scores from the Semi-Finals: 

Judges Challenge Round, Julianne: Foxtrot (34 out of 40)

Watch: Tango (36 out of 40)

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3. Simone Biles

First things first, that glitter bra Simone wore was KILLER. Now, about her performance this season: I thought overall the judges were unfairly harsh on her. Look at how this week it took her just a few minutes with Carrie Ann to understand how to “act out” the characters in the dance and make small facial adjustments. If someone had showed her that in Week 2, alllllll this stupid drama could have been avoided and honestly, she probably would have won. They expected more from her than the other celebrities and IMO, they pushed her too hard. If an Olympic medalist breaks down crying and says it’s too hard, THEN IT’S TOO FREAKING HARD PEOPLE. I’m glad she ended up with two perfect scores and went out with a bang. She was the star of last week’s episode…well, her and Normani’s grandma but more on that later. Also, did that balance beam in her last dance make anyone else start crying and chanting USA! USA! USA!? We love you Simone! Thanks for everything. #TheFinalFive

Simone’s scores from the Semi-Finals:

Watch: Judges Challenge Round, Carrie Ann: Jive (40 out of 40)

Rumba (40 out of 40)

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2. Rashad Jennings

I LOVE to watch Rashad dance, but could never fully put my finger on why. When the judges explained that usually female pro’s have to “back lead”, I realized that Emma doesn’t do that with Rashad. He’s so amazing to watch because he leads like a man is supposed to in ballroom dance. Unfortunately, he comes in second for me because he hasn’t shown he can consistently dance the best each week and consistency is key. My husband claims he can play basketball as good as LeBron *sometimes*, he just can’t do it consistently. (Obviously this is a joke. I mean, no, he actually said it, but it’s not true. Sorry hunny.) I didn’t know much about Rashad before this season, but I REALLY like him now and somebody in the NFL better give him a job or I will cry. Also, only Bruno would call a football player a “sportman.” That’s so embarrassing.

Rashad’s scores from the Semi-Finals:

Watch: Judges Challenge Round, Bruno: Rumba (38 out of 40)

Quickstep (39 out of 40)

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1. Normani Kordei

At the start of this season, I mentioned that I once called Fifth Harmony slutty on Twitter and their psychotic harem of fans annihilated me. I’m ashamed to admit that each week you’ve all been witnesses of my journey to become an official member of the Harem. (Well, all 4 of you who read this blog. Hi mom!) I’m not saying I’m gonna buy tickets to a Fifth Harmony concert or anything (btw, did you know there are only 4 of them now? Yeah, I wikipedia’d them. Don’t judge me.) but Normani has won me over. She has been the best and most consistent dancer week after week and she deserves to win the mirror ball. Let’s just hope it doesn’t over-inflate Val’s already giant ego. Have you ever watched his Insta-stories? The man’s got abs, no doubt, but a story of you dancing alone, shirtless, is kinda weird. I’m totally still going to watch them, but it’s weird.

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And finally, about Normani grandmama. IDK why Val looked so shocked when she macked down on him on national television after he said: “First of all, Barbara’s already taken and she’s mine.” DON’T PLAY WITH OLD LADIES’ HEARTS VAL- said Normani’s grandma and American women everywhere.

Normani’s scores from the Semi-Finals:

Judges Challenge Round, Len: Viennese Waltz (36 out of 40)

Watch: Jazz (40 out of 40)

Don’t forget to tune in Monday & Tuesday night for the two-part finale to find out if the Chicago Cubs pull off another miracle! #GoCubsGo

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 8

Ok, so I had a *small* outburst last week. I’m sorry I ruined your lives and crammed eleven cookies in the VCR, because this week, DWTS completely redeemed itself! Pro pick was an awesome idea and I’m a big fan of laced-with-sexual-innuendos-Trio night. (I’m a fan of the trio DANCES, guys. Not the innuendos. Get your mind out of the gutter.) I’m ranking the dances separately because it was too much work to combine them and let’s be for real: I mail this in every week.

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Individual Dances: 

5. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Argentine Tango (30 out of 40)

Dude. Len takes it too far. #amiright? I mean, it’s like when Mr. Darcy said this to Elizabeth: “Your good opinion is rarely bestowed and therefore, more worth the earning” HE WAS ACTUALLY TALKING TO LEN! I *think* Len’s intent was to reprimand America (thanks bro), but it came off as downright insulting to Bonner. In other news, Sharna could dance around a freaking stick and I would watch it. She’s amazing.

4. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Jive (36 out of 40)

Sorry Rashad, I hate to put you this low, but this jive wasn’t great. Although, it made me tired just watching it, so I better not hear any NFL teams say this dude isn’t in shape.

3. Simone Biles & Sasha, Foxtrot (36 out of 40)

Ahem. I have written a strongly worded essay for the judges: GET OFF SIMONE FOR SMILING SO MUCH. MAYBE SHE IS A HAPPY PERSON WHO HASN’T BEEN JADED BY LIFE LIKE YOU OLD YOTCHES. I AM SO GLAD SHE STOOD UP FOR HERSELF AND FOUGHT BACK AGAINST YOU SAVAGES. Also, I really liked your dress, Julianne.

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2. David Ross & Lindsay, Waltz (36 out of 40)

Watch: David’s Waltz to “Humble and Kind”

If your dance makes me cry, you get bumped up. This waltz was perfect. It was adorable, and sweet, and humble, and kind. (See what I did there?) It was precious to see Lindsay pick that song for him and I know his family is super proud of him. (No seriously, I actually know that they are because his grandma goes to church with my grandma. THAT is some 6 degrees of separation.)

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1. Normani Kordei & Val, Contemporary (40 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Contemporary to “Freedom”

THIS.DANCE.WAS.KILLER. Once again, Normani totally deserved a perfect score and once again, I cried. I’m not big on “art”- like when I look at an abstract painting, I usually see something that looks like a kindergartener drew it, but I TOTALLY get the storytelling in contemporary dances. I think I was a beatnik in my former life.

Laced-with-sexual-innuendos-Trio Dances: 

5. David, Lindsay & Hayley, Paso Doble (29 out of 40)

Poor David peaked with the waltz. This Paso was bad. But he has such a good attitude about sucking! It’s refreshing. Also, he looked TERRIFYING at the end.

4. Bonner, Sharna & Britt, Jazz (28 out of 40)

I didn’t really think this dance was as raunchy as everyone kept saying. I’ve seen WAY worse on this show (Haaaave you met Gleb?) and furthermore, I adore any Texas oil money story you tell.

3. Simone, Sasha & Brittany, Paso Doble (36 out of 40)

Dude. Simone is PISSED at these judges. And rightfully so. They went from trying to give advice to improve her scores to just straight insulting her personality. YOU GO SIMONE. HAVE THOSE SAVAGE JUDGES WON ANY GOLD MEDALS? NO? THEN SHUT IT.

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2. Normani, Val & Alan, Jive (39 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Trio to “Feeling Alive”

Meh, I was underwhelmed by this dance, even though it was executed flawlessly. The best part was Bonner at the end and this awesome GIF I found.

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1. Rashad, Emma & Whitney, Argentine Tango (39 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Trio to “Dreams”

THIS DANCE WAS AMAZINGGGGGG. Hands down, Rashad’s best dance. KILLED. IT. It was a great concept too from Emma and Whitney for a trio dance. Also, the reason this next generation worries me is because Whitney thought Fleetwood Mac was a rapper. #facepalm

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Bonner Bolton & Sharna

America finally took Bonner out back and put him out of his misery. You’re welcome, Len.

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 7

We interrupt this week’s Power Rankings to bring you a very important announcement: This season sucks. 1) These guys are like D-List celebrities. 2) America kicked off the chick who could dance the best (albeit, I am somewhat to blame for this) and 3) Most of the people left on the show suck at dancing. After this week’s double elimination (which I’m sad to say was the highlight of the episode) it’s barely even a competition anymore. OH AND ALSO, “movie night” was stupid. It wasn’t even real movies! It was just, like, genres. STUPID.

I did enjoy Mandy Moore (not the famous one) as a guest judge and it was about. dang. time. they let her be one. She choreographed the entire freaking movie of La La Land (which was phenomenal by the way) and they let Pitbull judge before her. TWICE! Eye rolling emoji.

Negative Nancy will now return you to your regularly scheduled blog:

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7. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Paso Doble (29 out of 40)

There was so much going on in this dance, that it was hard for me to watch Bonner. Which maybe turned out to be a good thing because his dancing was *really* bad. Bonner may love westerns, but he’s no Clint Eastwood. Or Raylan Givens for that matter. (Speaking of Raylan, I’d like to use this opportunity to run an ad for my Justified blog: Coming Soon!)

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6. Nick Viall & Peta, Argentine Tango (34 out of 40)

I don’t know what is the matter with these people because their dance was decent, but Nick and Peta both look completely miserable.

5. David Ross & Lindsay, Salsa (32 out of 40)

Oh. My. Gosh. I had to wipe tears from my eyes after watching David and Lindsay’s package. I’m not usually one to find bodily functions hilarious, but I laughed SO HARD. I give it 10 crying laughing emojis! Lindsay is such a good sport. The fact that she was totally cool with showing that on national television is exactly why I love her. Not to mention, it’s been all over the internet since Monday night and she is still laughing about it on Twitter. David’s dance was good this week, he’s way more fun to watch when he’s in his element, just being chill and having fun. (Nick and Peta could take a lesson from these two.)

4. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Tango (36 out of 40)

I really liked this dance! Unfortunately, it wasn’t because of Nancy, it’s because I’m OBSESSED with Pretty Woman. “These are broken, mine are broken.”

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3. Simone Biles & Sasha, Charleston (37 out of 40)

Watch: Simone’s Charleston

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This dance was great! That one handed cartwheel they did holding hands was super impressive, but Simone still looks like she’s just going through the motions. I guess it’s hard to shake that olympic gold medal muscle memory.

2. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Paso Doble (37 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Paso Doble

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Props to Rashad for writing that creepy story!! It actually totally freaked me out. I really liked this dance, but I’m a little bit afraid to watch it again. You guys are on your own with this link.

1. Normani Kordei & Val, Argentine Tango (40 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Argentine Tango

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I feel like halfway through every one of Normani’s dances I just say, my LORD, she can dance. It’s a good thing she won immunity this week. I’m unsure of how strong her voting fanbase is and WE CANNOT LOSE ANOTHER GOOD DANCER, AMERICA.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Nick Viall & Peta

Nancy Kerrigan & Artem

DUDE. How are David and Bonner still on this show?! I’m assuming the entire Cubs fanbase is voting for David, (they showed his dance during another rain delay Monday night) but who the heck is voting for Bonner? I find it hard to believe there’s a huge crossover of Professional Bull Riding fans watching Dancing With the Stars. I guess they have just won America’s hearts. That, or there’s a lot of desperate housewives watching this show. Which we kind of already knew.