DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 5

Disney Night! and I swear, Alfonso Ribeiro is on this show more than Len.

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9. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Viennese Waltz, “Finding Dory” (32 out of 40)

There’s ALWAYS a drama queen each season and Erika is it. She really is a good dancer, but why she waited until Week 5 to actually TRY to dance is beyond me.

8. Nick Viall & Peta, Jazz, “Pinocchio” (34 out of 40)

Nick was right, this was totally emasculating. He should have refused to do it.

7. David Ross & Lindsay, Jive, “Cars 3” (29 out of 40)

It pains me to put David and Lindsay this low, but this dance wasn’t good. It was super fast and their scores were awful. We’re getting to that point in the competition where you have to blow the judges’ minds if you want to survive and advance. I think he’s getting discouraged. Sad.

6. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Tango, “Wreck-It Ralph” (30 out of 40)

I feel like the judges gave Bonner lip service and then completely lowballed him with bad scores! This tango was choppy, but his back doesn’t bend right because HE GOT THROWN OFF OF A BULL AND PARALYZED, remember?

5. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Foxtrot, “Beauty and the Beast” (32 out of 40)

Rashad is super inconsistent. Last week, he almost got a perfect score and this week, he’s fallen realllllllllly far down the rankings. I totally saw the same timing issues the judges were talking about, but seriously, that song has like no downbeats! It was impossible to keep time and is that even Rashad’s fault? Seems like a choreography problem to me. (Sorry, Emma.) Btw, the new Beauty and the Beast movie is AMAZING. Although definitely awkward to root for a young girl to fall in love with an animal, when it’s “live action.” Ew.

4. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Jazz, “Enchanted” (36 out of 40)

Nancy gets the highest scores with the least memorable dances. Meh.

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3. Heather Morris & Maks/Alan, Jazz, “Frozen” (34 out of 40)

Watch: Heather’s Jazz to “For the First Time in Forever”

I’m still gonna say it, but without caps this week because she is slowly winning me over: she was Beyonce’s backup dancer. I actually thought the judges were a bit harsh on her because this dance was good!

SIMONE BILES, SASHA FARBER

2. Simone Biles & Sasha, Contemporary, “Moana” (38 out of 40)

Watch: Simone’s Contemporary to “How Far I’ll Go”

I feel like Simone is stuck in gymnast mode. She does all the moves correctly, but she doesn’t really *dance.* This was the closest she’s come. Also, please enjoy this clip of my friend’s 3 year old singing “I am Moana.” You will not be disappointed. All the crying laughing emojis. I AM MOANA

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1. Normani Kordei & Val, Paso Doble, “Mulan” (39 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Paso to “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”

I can’t believe Normani is in jeopardy! I guess her Harem is too young to watch DWTS. They are probably watching… instead. Wait, what do young people watch these days? Man, I feel as old as Donny Osmond looked. Speaking of, this dang Mulan song gets me EVERY TIME.

We must be swift as a coursing river

With all the force of a great typhoon

With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

I just start crying while I’m belting out these lyrics because I can see Mulan finally making it to the top of that giant pole! YOU GO, GIRL! Seriously, Disney princesses really do make you feel like you can do anything. Thanks, Disney Night!

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Erika Jayne & Gleb: Good luck in your future slutty endeavors.

 

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