Vegas Night! This intro was one of my favorites, ever, but I have a small problem with the song they chose. Bossa Nova?! Elvis sang that in Fun in Acapulco. MEXICO, people. Not Vegas! I am an Elvis connoisseur and that song is from the early skinny Elvis days, not the jumpsuit/sideburn/VEGAS Elvis days! So get your history right DWTS, because YOU COME AT THE KING YOU BEST NOT MISS. (I am also a connoisseur of The Wire.)
Moving on. Week 3:
11. Charo & Keo, Foxtrot (24 out of 40)
Has she calmed down or am I just getting used to her insanity? This was easily her best dance and like, the calmest I’ve ever seen her. Btw, didn’t Elvis look smokin’ hott in that photo of them? #dreamboat
10. Mr. T & Kym, Foxtrot (24 out of 40)
I had a huge smile on my face during this entire dance! It was so nice to see Mr. T soft and suave. It’s like he’s America’s giant boxing grandpa.
9. Nick Viall & Peta, Tango (26 out of 40)
Nick seems like kind of a crybaby, but I still don’t understand why the judges hate him! They must have been Raven fans. He gets an A for effort in my book.
8. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Jive (26 out of 40)
Erika is a decent dancer, she wasn’t super slutty this week but I barely remember a thing from this dance. Total snoozefest.
7. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Charleston (24 out of 40)
Listen man, if Bonner can’t do the Charleston properly because HE GOT THROWN OFF OF A BULL AND PARALYZED, we will give him a pass. #amiright America? This dance was bad. I am rating him higher than he deserves because HE GOT THROWN OFF OF A BULL AND PARALYZED. (also, he’s charming.) Better luck next week, Bon Bon.
6. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Samba (28 out of 40)
Poor Rashad had a rough week too, and his panama hat was so promising! Sad! Samba is my favorite DWTS dance, so let’s take this opportunity to remember the best Samba ever. I LOVE YOU, SADIE!!! Sadie Robertson & Mark Samba
5. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Samba (33 out of 40)
Artem fangirling over Ricky Martin was easily the best part of this week’s show. Nancy danced REALLY well, and Imma let her finish, but Sadie & Mark had one of the best sambas of all time. Let’s watch it again.
4. Heather Morris & Maks/Alan, Tango (33 out of 40)
The best part of this dance was Heather’s outfit, because everyone my age is still like BRITNEY YASSSS QUEEN. Other than the toxic glitter, I continue to hate Heather’s dancing because SHE WAS BEYONCE’S BACKUP DANCER. They gave her the first nine of the season and I literally yelled at my TV.
3. Simone Biles & Sasha, Quickstep (32 out of 40)
ELVIS IS ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE RIGHT NOW AT THESE TRAVESTIES. Simone doesn’t know who he is, whoever sang “Viva Las Vegas” completely murdered it… Listen, is DWTS in the market for an Elvis expert? I am available. I could fix these things. As for the dance, I had to rewind my TV and watch it again because I was so distracted by the lack of Elvis decorum. I thought Simone did awesome, but the judges continue to score her soooo loooooow. Sigh.
2. David Ross & Lindsay, Jazz (31 out of 40)
Watch: David’s Jazz to Candy Shop
OK. 1) WHY would they give him this song?? Lindsay handled it in the best way possible and David was SUCH a good sport. He’s super likable. 2) When he ripped his pants off to dance in his bedazzled underwear, literally the only thing I thought was, HIS THIGHS ARE HUGE!! #MLBcatcherproblems 3) His fake abs!! Crying laughing emoji. 4) Anthony Rizzo’s tweet had perfect comedic timing: “Speechless… and a bit horrified.” Lololol 5) David is killing it. He completely owned this dance and I hope he makes the finals.
1. Normani Kordei & Val, Foxtrot (34 out of 40)
Normani looks like a freakin’ pro out there. That’s really all I have to say. Also, she is infinitely more likable than I ever thought a member of Fifth Harmony would be. Wait, am I becoming part of the harem?
Off the Charts: Derek & Julianne Hough
Derek and Julianne’s dance about their parents divorce was so ridiculously good that numbers aren’t able to contain their power rank.
So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:
Charo: HALLELUJAH PRAISE THE LORD JESUS ALMIGHTY.