DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 6

OMGGGGGGG boy band night is the GREATEST idea this show has ever had. I award myself 40 points for my performance singing all of the lyrics. It’s a crime it wasn’t televised, really.

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8. Nick Viall & Peta, Jive (28 out of 40)

It’s almost impossible for a jive to look slow, but this one did. It was actually, kind of a disgrace to the Beach Boys. (Sorry, guys.) Bruno said it looked like a “jive with a sun stroke” and that’s not… NOT true.

7. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Paso Doble (33 out of 40)

In the middle of this dance, Nancy twirled her skirt around four dudes and it was the absolute best dancing she’s done on this show. I’m ready for her to be kicked off now, I’ve seen enough.

6. Simone Biles & Sasha, Samba (35 out of 40)

I’M A SURVIVOR, I’M NOT GON GIVE UP, I’M NOT GON STOP, WHAT, I’M GON WORK HARDER. Sorry, still singing a bit there. Simone seemed off to me and IDK how to dance AT ALL but when I watch this show and the people’s moves don’t match the music- I’m like, yeah. Timing. Somethin’ ain’t right.

5. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Rumba (30 out of 40)

I thought this dance was really good. The judges are killing him on technicalities. Len said it wasn’t his best dance, but I kinda thought it was? To be fair, I would give anyone dancing to the Backstreet Boys a high score. TELL ME WHY- AIN’T NOTHIN BUT A HEARTACHE.

4. David Ross & Lindsay, Argentine Tango (29 out of 40)

I LOVED this dance! Yes, the lift was a bit shaky, but I’m choosing to ignore that part. Also, no, I didn’t just love it because they danced to N*SYNC. What a rude thing to suggest. YOU’RE ALL I EVER WANTED, YOU’RE ALL I EVER NEEDED, YEAHHH, SO TELL ME WHAT TO DO NOW, CAUSE I-I-I-I-I I WANT YOU BACK.

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3. Normani Kordei & Val, Salsa (38 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Salsa to “When I Grow Up”

Ok. I’m not *judging* because I’m an official member of the Fifth Harmony Harem now, but HOW was ANY of this dance classified as a salsa? Len was right to give them an 8. I did the salsa with a 40 year old bus driver in Guatemala once and it.did.NOT.look.like.this.

EMMA SLATER, RASHAD JENNINGS

2. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Tango (37 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Tango to “Reach Out I’ll Be There”

The beginning of this dance was super awesome and Rashad is just killin’ it out there. I *thought* this was the best dance of the night. But then…

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1. Heather Morris & Maks, Rumba (40 out of 40)

Watch: Heather’s Rumba to “Waterfalls”

I’m not gonna lie, a big part of the reason she gets the #1 spot this week is because she danced to DON’T GO CHASING WATERFALLS, PLEASE STICK TO THE RIVERS AND THE LAKES THAT YOU’RE USED TO. This was the best rumba I’ve ever seen and somehow part of it was to a RAP?! Heather, Maks and this rumba deserved the first perfect score of the season. But then…

Team Dances!

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Girls: (34 out of 40)

These four are all such good dancers that I think the judges had too high of expectations for them. Their dance was SO content heavy. The judges were unjustly harsh on them.

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Boys: (33 out of 40) 

The boys video package was HILARIOUS, I wish I could watch it over and over. Their dance was pretty awesome and definitely entertaining. It wasn’t nearly as hard as the girls’ dance though.

When they announced that the entire boy team was safe, I thought FOR SURE Normani was in for it. AND I *JUST* JOINED THE DANGED HAREM! But then…

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Heather Morris & Maks

I was SHOCKED when Heather got kicked off and a little afraid that my bad mouthing her for six weeks may have negatively influenced America’s opinion of her. Oops. One more time, for old time’s sake: SHE WAS BEYONCE’S BACKUP DANCER. Nailed that rumba, tho.

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 5

Disney Night! and I swear, Alfonso Ribeiro is on this show more than Len.

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9. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Viennese Waltz, “Finding Dory” (32 out of 40)

There’s ALWAYS a drama queen each season and Erika is it. She really is a good dancer, but why she waited until Week 5 to actually TRY to dance is beyond me.

8. Nick Viall & Peta, Jazz, “Pinocchio” (34 out of 40)

Nick was right, this was totally emasculating. He should have refused to do it.

7. David Ross & Lindsay, Jive, “Cars 3” (29 out of 40)

It pains me to put David and Lindsay this low, but this dance wasn’t good. It was super fast and their scores were awful. We’re getting to that point in the competition where you have to blow the judges’ minds if you want to survive and advance. I think he’s getting discouraged. Sad.

6. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Tango, “Wreck-It Ralph” (30 out of 40)

I feel like the judges gave Bonner lip service and then completely lowballed him with bad scores! This tango was choppy, but his back doesn’t bend right because HE GOT THROWN OFF OF A BULL AND PARALYZED, remember?

5. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Foxtrot, “Beauty and the Beast” (32 out of 40)

Rashad is super inconsistent. Last week, he almost got a perfect score and this week, he’s fallen realllllllllly far down the rankings. I totally saw the same timing issues the judges were talking about, but seriously, that song has like no downbeats! It was impossible to keep time and is that even Rashad’s fault? Seems like a choreography problem to me. (Sorry, Emma.) Btw, the new Beauty and the Beast movie is AMAZING. Although definitely awkward to root for a young girl to fall in love with an animal, when it’s “live action.” Ew.

4. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Jazz, “Enchanted” (36 out of 40)

Nancy gets the highest scores with the least memorable dances. Meh.

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3. Heather Morris & Maks/Alan, Jazz, “Frozen” (34 out of 40)

Watch: Heather’s Jazz to “For the First Time in Forever”

I’m still gonna say it, but without caps this week because she is slowly winning me over: she was Beyonce’s backup dancer. I actually thought the judges were a bit harsh on her because this dance was good!

SIMONE BILES, SASHA FARBER

2. Simone Biles & Sasha, Contemporary, “Moana” (38 out of 40)

Watch: Simone’s Contemporary to “How Far I’ll Go”

I feel like Simone is stuck in gymnast mode. She does all the moves correctly, but she doesn’t really *dance.* This was the closest she’s come. Also, please enjoy this clip of my friend’s 3 year old singing “I am Moana.” You will not be disappointed. All the crying laughing emojis. I AM MOANA

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1. Normani Kordei & Val, Paso Doble, “Mulan” (39 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Paso to “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”

I can’t believe Normani is in jeopardy! I guess her Harem is too young to watch DWTS. They are probably watching… instead. Wait, what do young people watch these days? Man, I feel as old as Donny Osmond looked. Speaking of, this dang Mulan song gets me EVERY TIME.

We must be swift as a coursing river

With all the force of a great typhoon

With all the strength of a raging fire

Mysterious as the dark side of the moon

I just start crying while I’m belting out these lyrics because I can see Mulan finally making it to the top of that giant pole! YOU GO, GIRL! Seriously, Disney princesses really do make you feel like you can do anything. Thanks, Disney Night!

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Erika Jayne & Gleb: Good luck in your future slutty endeavors.

 

DWTS, Power Rankings, Week 4

I think we’re all (wo)man enough to admit that Most Memorable Year makes us completely BAWL OUR EYES OUT. My gracious, I was sobbing three dances in! Also, it’s *really* hard to make fun of people for their awkward dancing when they bear their soul to you, but… I’m still gonna try.

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10. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Cha Cha (30 out of 40)

Slutty Erika and Gleb are back! Can’t say that I missed them, *she mumbles under her breath.* Len is right. She’s hit a plateau, but she’ll be gone soon, so no one cares.

9. Mr. T & Kym, Waltz (28 out of 40)

Four weeks in and I LOVE this man! He’s a Christian? He beat cancer? SO many things I didn’t know. Did you see his tear fall at the end of his video package? Well if Mr. T is gonna cry…

8. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Foxtrot (33 out of 40)

Nancy’s dance kind of bored me, but also, I couldn’t see most of it because my eyes were all blurry and fuzzy from crying. MOST MEMORABLE YEAR IS BRUTAL, MAN.

7. Nick Viall & Peta, Rumba (30 out of 40)

Some weeks, the music on this show is horrendous. Other weeks, we get a super cool acoustic version of Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You. Two thumbs up emojis. Julianne said this was Nick’s best dance and I agree. I could have lived without the make-out sesh at the end tho. Ew. We get it, you like each other. (For now.)

6. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Foxtrot (32 out of 40)

I had already cried all the tears (thanks to Rashad) by the time they showed Bonner’s story, so instead of crying I just held my hands over my gaping mouth for 3 solid minutes. I can’t unsee that neck injury. It was awful. I mean, up there with Kevin Ware’s leg and Bo Jackson’s hip. #SPORTS. As for the dance, I was very impressed. He’s not good enough to win the mirror ball, but hopefully he’s good enough to win Sharna… Ba Dum Tsh.

5. David Ross & Lindsay, Viennese Waltz (31 out of 40)

How awesome was it that they showed David’s dance on the jumbotron at the Cub’s home opener?! That HAS to be a first. His waltz was preeeeety choppy, but I LURVE these guys and I will continue to vote for them. Oh, and Len with the baseball signals? A thousand crying laughing emojis.

4. Simone Biles & Sasha, Viennese Waltz (36 out of 40)

Has anyone ever danced to a worship song before?? Simone danced great to Good, Good Father (as my husband and I loudly sang along) and she would have made the Top 3 this week if it weren’t for BEYONCE’S BACKUP DANCER.

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3. Heather Morris & Maks/Alan, Cha Cha (35 out of 40)

Watch: Heather’s Cha Cha to Shut Up and Dance

Ok, yeah she did good and I really liked this dance. Sue me.

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2. Normani Kordei & Val, Rumba, (32 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Rumba to Impossible

So, I didn’t know Fifth Harmony sung this song and I REALLY like it! Ugh, I am becoming part of the harem. Normani should have had a higher score, but Carrie Ann is SO ANNOYING WITH THE LIFT THING. Does anyone even know the rules??

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1. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Contemporary (39 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Contemporary to Unconditionally

I LOVE the contemporary dance, it’s so weird and… beatnik. This dance was beautiful. I cried a small amount during the video package, but then somewhere smack in the middle of his dance, I just burst into tears. By the end, when he hugs his father, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Rashad is a GREAT dancer. He deserves to win.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

I was much more sad than I thought I would be when Mr. T got eliminated. I feel like I lost my giant black grandpa. Can I say that on the blog? Too late. Here’s hoping next week’s show won’t require extra makeup to cover our puffy eyes!!

FYI: The Masters

The Masters (hallowed be thy name) starts tomorrow. Now, I personally love golf, so I am downright giddy for the major season to begin, but I know most of you kids out there think golf is boring. I’m here to convince you that professional golf-ERS are FAR from boring. Don’t believe me? Watch this 2 minute recap of a spring break trip they took last year and documented all over social media: #SB2K16

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Now that you know golf-ERS aren’t boring, I’ve compiled a list of need-to-know basics as well as social media handles to liven up your Masters experience. You’re welcome.

The Golden Child: Jordan Spieth

Jordo (as I affectionately call him) put two in the water last year at Augusta and it cost him back to back green jackets. TBH, I’m still not over it. I’m sure the announcers will force us to relive it through relentless flashbacks and I will probably cry.

Insta: jordanspieth

The Golden Child’s Best Friend: Justin Thomas

Poor JT won back to back tournaments in Hawaii this year and is still being cast as Robin to Jordo’s Batman. If he’s in contention, you’ll most certainly hear about their friendship.

Insta: justinthomas34

Snapchat: jlthomas34

The Party Boy: Dustin Johnson

You don’t father two of Paulina Gretzky’s children by being a bore. DJ is the Vegas favorite to win The Masters and if he golfed as hard as he parties, you’d all be rich.

Insta: djohnsonpga

But really, you should just follow Paulina: paulinagretzky. (You HAVE to watch the video they made to “Single Ladies” after they got engaged. Omg.)

Snapchat: paulina_jean

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The Trendsetter: Rickie Fowler

High tops. Flat billed hats. Tattoos. The stuffy old golf world hates Slick Rick. I happen to adore him and if he wins ANY major this year, I will definitely cry. He’s also the best social media follow in all of golf.

Insta: rickiefowler

Snapchat: rickiefowler15

The Redneck: Bubba Watson

Bubba has recently started playing with bright highlighter colored golf balls. (I wish this was a joke.) He has an instagram, but his best social media presence is the #PrayforTedScott hashtag that inevitably pops up when he loses his temper with his caddie.

The Irishman: Rory McIlroy

If Rory-with-the-beautiful-accent can win The Masters he’ll earn the career grand slam at the ripe young age of 27. He’s also engaged to a former PGA of America employee so all you ladies out there need to get you a job working golf tournaments. THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU ALL.

Insta: rorymcilroy

Twitter: @mcilroyrory

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The Lefty: Phil Mickelson

PHIIIILLLLL (as I affectionately call him) is my favorite golfer EVER (#fangirl) and he’s in pursuit of his fourth green jacket at the ripe young age of 46. Also, the twitter dot com likes to make fun of him for an excessive gambling problem, but I refuse to believe this is true. Heart emoji.

Good ole Tiger Woods isn’t playing in The Masters this year and it appears he’s dying a slow and painful golf death. A bunch of people are upset about this, but I’m not one of them. I’ve always been more of a Phil girl than a Tiger girl anyway. PHIIIIILLLLLL.

One Last Note:

Golf Twitter is a gift from above. If you like ridiculous gifs, making fun of people and an overwhelming amount of inside jokes, these twitter accounts are for you. Some of the best to follow are: @nolayingup, @kyleportercbs, @shanebacon, @Skratch.

Or you can just follow me (@amyrenee825) because I’ll be retweeting everything these guys say anyway. So! While you watch The Masters, take this opportunity to get your social media in order because it won’t be long until #SB2K17… A tradition unlike any other.

Dancing with the Stars, Power Rankings, Week 3

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Vegas Night! This intro was one of my favorites, ever, but I have a small problem with the song they chose. Bossa Nova?! Elvis sang that in Fun in Acapulco. MEXICO, people. Not Vegas! I am an Elvis connoisseur and that song is from the early skinny Elvis days, not the jumpsuit/sideburn/VEGAS Elvis days! So get your history right DWTS, because YOU COME AT THE KING YOU BEST NOT MISS. (I am also a connoisseur of The Wire.)

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Moving on. Week 3:

11. Charo & Keo, Foxtrot (24 out of 40)

Has she calmed down or am I just getting used to her insanity? This was easily her best dance and like, the calmest I’ve ever seen her. Btw, didn’t Elvis look smokin’ hott in that photo of them? #dreamboat

10. Mr. T & Kym, Foxtrot (24 out of 40)

I had a huge smile on my face during this entire dance! It was so nice to see Mr. T soft and suave. It’s like he’s America’s giant boxing grandpa.

9. Nick Viall & Peta, Tango (26 out of 40)

Nick seems like kind of a crybaby, but I still don’t understand why the judges hate him! They must have been Raven fans. He gets an A for effort in my book.

8. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Jive (26 out of 40)

Erika is a decent dancer, she wasn’t super slutty this week but I barely remember a thing from this dance. Total snoozefest.

7. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Charleston (24 out of 40)

Listen man, if Bonner can’t do the Charleston properly because HE GOT THROWN OFF OF A BULL AND PARALYZED, we will give him a pass. #amiright America? This dance was bad. I am rating him higher than he deserves because HE GOT THROWN OFF OF A BULL AND PARALYZED. (also, he’s charming.) Better luck next week, Bon Bon.

6. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Samba (28 out of 40)

Poor Rashad had a rough week too, and his panama hat was so promising! Sad! Samba is my favorite DWTS dance, so let’s take this opportunity to remember the best Samba ever. I LOVE YOU, SADIE!!! Sadie Robertson & Mark Samba

5. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Samba (33 out of 40)

Artem fangirling over Ricky Martin was easily the best part of this week’s show. Nancy danced REALLY well, and Imma let her finish, but Sadie & Mark had one of the best sambas of all time. Let’s watch it again.

4. Heather Morris & Maks/Alan, Tango (33 out of 40)

The best part of this dance was Heather’s outfit, because everyone my age is still like BRITNEY YASSSS QUEEN. Other than the toxic glitter, I continue to hate Heather’s dancing because SHE WAS BEYONCE’S BACKUP DANCER. They gave her the first nine of the season and I literally yelled at my TV.

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3. Simone Biles & Sasha, Quickstep (32 out of 40)

Watch: Simone’s Quickstep to Viva Las Vegas

ELVIS IS ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE RIGHT NOW AT THESE TRAVESTIES. Simone doesn’t know who he is, whoever sang “Viva Las Vegas” completely murdered it… Listen, is DWTS in the market for an Elvis expert? I am available. I could fix these things. As for the dance, I had to rewind my TV and watch it again because I was so distracted by the lack of Elvis decorum. I thought Simone did awesome, but the judges continue to score her soooo loooooow. Sigh.

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2. David Ross & Lindsay, Jazz (31 out of 40)

Watch: David’s Jazz to Candy Shop

OK. 1) WHY would they give him this song?? Lindsay handled it in the best way possible and David was SUCH a good sport. He’s super likable. 2) When he ripped his pants off to dance in his bedazzled underwear, literally the only thing I thought was, HIS THIGHS ARE HUGE!! #MLBcatcherproblems 3) His fake abs!! Crying laughing emoji. 4) Anthony Rizzo’s tweet had perfect comedic timing: “Speechless… and a bit horrified.” Lololol 5) David is killing it. He completely owned this dance and I hope he makes the finals.

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1. Normani Kordei & Val, Foxtrot (34 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Foxtrot to Big Spender

Normani looks like a freakin’ pro out there. That’s really all I have to say. Also, she is infinitely more likable than I ever thought a member of Fifth Harmony would be. Wait, am I becoming part of the harem?

Off the Charts: Derek & Julianne Hough

Derek and Julianne’s dance about their parents divorce was so ridiculously good that numbers aren’t able to contain their power rank.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye:

Charo: HALLELUJAH PRAISE THE LORD JESUS ALMIGHTY.