My husband has, affectionately, changed the name of “Dancing with the Stars” to “Dancing with People You’ve Heard Of.” Only this season, it’s really more like “Dancing with People You Think You May Have Seen Once Before Somewhere.” This is out of control. Are there seriously NO celebrities left that want to be on this show? It can’t be THAT hard to find actual stars. When you guys see me on this show next season, you’ll all be like- hey, I think that girl writes a blog and got 50 people to like her Facebook page. We’ve seriously reached that level.
Each week, I will post my definitive power rankings for each couple that probably won’t coincide with the judges scores because A) I’m biased and B) there’s a large list of reality TV stars that I hate. Additionally, each ranking will be accompanied by unnecessary commentary because that’s just who I am as a person. Let’s get started.
12. Charo & Keo, Salsa (21 out of 40)
You know that emoji with the wide eyes, straight mouth and slightly embarrassed blushing cheeks? That’s what my face looked like the entire time Charo was on stage. What is wrong with her? And why does her nose look exactly like Michael Jackson’s? I need ALL the gifs of Tom Bergeron pulling her back from the judges table. omg.
11. Mr. T & Kym, Cha Cha (20 out of 40)
Halfway through Mr. T’s dance it looked like he just decided to do his own thing. Bless him. “I pity the fool” who has to teach him how to dance, but at least she’s married to Robert Herjavec now and can comfort herself with her BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.
10. Chris Kattan & Whitney, Cha Cha (17 out of 40)
I really enjoyed this dance because watching Whitney’s giant hair do the Roxbury head bob just killed me. However, I couldn’t tell where the funny bad dancing ended and the real dancing began. Apparently, the judges had the same problem.
9. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Salsa (24 out of 40)
A few questions. Who is this woman? How does she have so much money? And WHY was she sitting on a unicorn? I’m done with her.
8. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Cha Cha (22 out of 40)
Ummm, ok. We’re going to need parental advisories for these two. Between their “chemistry” and Sharna’s outfits… MY GRACIOUS. I didn’t even watch this dude dance because I was just staring at Sharna’s TINY shorts the entire time! Oh, but don’t get me wrong, I am stoked for this love affair. Please fall in love and get married. PLEASE.
7. Nick Viall & Peta, Cha Cha (24 out of 40)
I heard from people who watch The Bachelor (as I refuse to) that they think Nick is gay. I don’t really care either way (although his fiancé might) but maybe that’s why he can shake his hips so well. I was actually impressed.
6. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Viennese Waltz (28 out of 40)
While I was explaining to some 20 year old’s who Nancy Kerrigan is, I realized the whole knee-busting thing happened before they were born. Yeah. Let that sink in for a minute. She seems really sweet and her dance was good, but DWTS totally missed an opportunity to boost ratings by having Tonya on this season as well. (Btw, what percentage of time do you think Artem wears a shirt? 15?)
5. Heather Morris & Maks, Viennese Waltz (28 out of 40)
Listen, I don’t know who this chick is, but they shouldn’t let her be on this show. SHE WAS BEYONCE’S BACKUP DANCER. Julianne claims ballroom dancing is “very different” than what Heather was trained in, but that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. She literally got paid to dance. I mean, not as a stripper, but SHE SHOULD NOT BE ON THIS SHOW.
4. Normani Kordei & Val, Quickstep (27 out of 40)
Fifth Harmony is SO slutty. I said this once on Twitter and their little harem of fans annihilated me. I STAND BY MY STATEMENT, TWITTER TROLLS. As for Normani herself, she seems fine and did awesome on her quickstep. Definitely an early season favorite.
3. David Ross & Lindsay, Quickstep (28 out of 40)
I LOVE me some Lindsay! For a middle aged white guy, David’s ability to dance impressed me. The only problem with this choreography was the baseball field outline on the floor. Either he hit from 3rd base (not allowed) or slid into 1st (which they teach you in freaking T-Ball not to do). Thumbs up to the dance. Thumbs down to the baseball.
2. Simone Biles & Sasha, Tango (32 out of 40)
Simone is cute, but I have to confess, it’s like one step down from Laurie Hernandez’s cuteness. Don’t you think? She’s an early favorite too because, not a shock to anyone, she can dance REALLY well. As for gymnastics, WE LOVE YOU, SIMONE. #thanksforeverything #merica
1. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Cha Cha (31 out of 40)
I’m putting Rashad first, even though Simone got a higher score because this was my favorite dance of the night. He absolutely KILLED IT. You can’t teach star power, and this dude’s got it.
Based on Week 1 dances alone, I’m rooting for David or Rashad to win the mirrorball trophy. Who do I think will actually win? Simone. Once a gold medalist, always a gold medalist.