I’ve spent the better part of my adult life trying to talk women I know into filling out a March Madness bracket. Since I have rarely been successful, I thought, why not fail again in blog form? Starting this Thursday, there’s going to be A LOT of college basketball on your TV. Like, from tiny schools with mascots you’re not even sure what they are. (I’m looking at you, Banana Slugs.) So while you’re stuck watching this for the next 3 weeks (yes, it’s that long) wouldn’t it be much more enjoyable if you made an investment into these teams? The answer is yes.
Enter: the bracket.
Filling out a March Madness bracket is like gambling with fake money. You have a reason to pay attention to who wins, but you can still blow that hundred bucks at Target later. (Pro Tip: Don’t actually gamble on March Madness with real money because your odds of being correct are like 0%. Please inform the men in your life of this. WE NEED THAT MONEY FOR TARGET, DUDE.)
Also, you should be thankful I’m imparting my bracketology (real thing) knowledge upon you. One year, I got a 99.5% correct bracket. (Albeit, my husband’s was 99.7% correct and he continues to remind me of this.) Another year, I beat an entire office full of men. (Or at least I would have, if I would’ve put the bracket into the computer right. Technology has never been my friend.) I don’t actually watch college basketball until the tournament starts, so my picks are all random, with some biased explanation below. Feel free to copy it and laugh when everyone in your office is shocked your bracket is winning. Now, ask the nearest man in your life where you can get a bracket, or if you’re against “mansplaining” (not a real thing) just google it and let’s get this party started.
DISCLAIMER: There are also years my bracket is COMPLETELY wrong. The One with Amy’s Blog shall not be held liable for your bracket blowing up in the first round. Proceed at your own risk.
Villanova is the overall #1 seed and a 16 has never upset a 1, so, duh.
Wisconsin over V-Tech mostly because orange and maroon do NOT match, but also because midwest boys are tough and the Badgers usually find a way to win.
Florida. You can obviously see my bias, but it’s not a *completely* ridiculous pick. Will we make it to the Final Four? I wish, but probably not. Since all you millions of readers are taking my advice though, I had to pick Duke over Florida. (Just know that all of Gator Nation hates me right now.)
South Carolina got a lucky draw and will be playing like 3 feet from their home court. But since the SEC suuuuuuucks in basketball (minus FL and Kentucky) I’m just gonna pick Marquette because historically, they do well in the tournament. Plus, I AM STILL VERY ANGRY AT MUSCHAMP.
Every year I pick two 8’s and two 9’s because those games are 50/50 anyway. This year I ended up with Vandy over Northwestern which goes against every fiber of my SEC-sucks-at-basketball-being. The only thing I know for certain is the people playing in this game will one day rule the world. #geniuses
Princeton to upset Notre Dame. A very risky (and probably incorrect) pick but every year a team full of white guys gets a win. This year I’m betting on Princeton. (You have my permission to choose ND here instead.)
West Virginia, MOUNTAIN MAMA, because my family is from there originally. #themoreyouknow
Xavier over Maryland. Every time I DON’T pick Xavier they screw me.
VCU because I barely know where this school is, but they always make the tournament and they always win in the first round.
Gonzaga and Arizona to play in the Elite 8 because I really wanted to write ZAGA vs. ZONA on my bracket. Trust the process, people.
Obligatory Kansas pick even though they’re the most overrated team in the tournament EVERY. YEAR.
Michigan State over Miami because no one wants to be stuck in a gym all day when there’s a beautiful beach outside.
Iowa State. Was it last year all the Iowa teams were good? I can’t remember, but didn’t want to risk it being this team.
Creighton sounds like a rich frat boy’s name. Also, I have zero idea where this school is on the map.
Oregon because my brother’s girlfriend is from there and Pacific North-westerners are SO NICE. Bonus: Nike.
Louisville to the Final Four because: scandals win championships.
UNC because Michael Jordan.
I picked Arkansas over Seton Hall to keep my two 8’s and two 9’s intact, but I have a feeling I’m going to regret this one.
Minnesota. I know nothing about this school except it’s where Brenda went to college when she left 90210 for those few episodes and also Rick Pitino’s son is their coach. So while his character may be questionable, he’s probably good at coaching basketball.
Cincinnati because I can’t pick THREE 11-over-6 upsets. That would just be stupid. (Unlike the rest of my choices.)
UCLA: basketball. legends. But in years past, they’ve let me down. Can’t trust em.
Wichita State. They only have 4 losses and that just looks so nice on a bracket.
Duke. Arizona. Louisville. Kentucky.
I’m picking Kentucky to win it all even though I would consider them to be in a “down year” by Kentucky standards (5 losses. lol.) I watched a 2 minute video of all the statistics of past champions, offensive/defensive percentage, some other stuff I didn’t understand and in the end, it told me to pick Kentucky.
So there you have it. The secret to a good March Madness bracket is… don’t watch basketball. Picks have to be in by Thursday at noon. GET MOVING and don’t forget to brush up on the lyrics to “One Shining Moment.”