Dancing with the Stars, Power Rankings, Week 2

16640948_10155011278181740_3895170892624879119_n

12. Charo & Keo, Paso Doble (26 out of 40)

Like I said last week, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN? Does she think she’s being funny? Because she is SO not. Thankfully, she wore that giant puffy red skirt so we didn’t have to watch her feet stomping around (incorrectly) the entire dance. I hope they’re giving Keo combat pay.

11. Mr. T & Kym, Paso Doble (22 out of 40)

Mr. T and Chris both made me so sad this week. They are giving 110% but bless their hearts, they just can’t dance. Can we please give them a participation trophy so I can stop crying? I do love Rocky tho.

10. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Cha Cha (28 out of 40)

Nancy’s dance was not super great, but SHE CAN STILL DO A SPLIT??? How old is this lady? Also, she’s so terrible in front of a camera that it makes ME nervous. She gives answers like I would if Erin Andrews shoved her microphone in my face.

9. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Foxtrot (28 out of 40)

The last thing Gleb needed was a partner trying to make him MORE slutty. (Eye rolling emoji.) This dance was awkward and icky. She did better than I expected though, so I’ll have to crucify her another week.

8. Chris Kattan & Whitney, Jazz (22 out of 40)

Oh hey, Carrie Ann, how about don’t tell a guy who had a broken neck “not to be so stiff.” A million exclamation points!!!!!! Sigh. I literally laughed through his entire dance this week. It was awesome and so so funny. I thought he was much improved, but man he looked so defeated by his scores, and even worse when he got eliminated. I’m still upset, I don’t wanna talk about it.

7. Nick Viall & Peta, Foxtrot (25 out of 40)

Once again, I don’t watch The Bachelor, but Nick and Vanessa seem a little fake. I thought he danced the foxtrot well, but the judges REAMED him. A FIVE FROM LEN!?!?!? Yikes.

6. Heather Morris & Maks/Alan, Jive (30 out of 40)

Heather had to dance with Alan this week because Maks is injured, but they won’t tell us exactly what happened. Stupid HIPAA laws. Anyway, it didn’t change the fact that I watched this dance with a huge scowl on my face. I hate this girl. It’s ridiculously unfair that SHE WAS BEYONCE’S BACKUP DANCER. (I will never stop saying this.) America should collectively decide not to vote for her. You guys in? Cool, thanks.

5. David Ross & Lindsay, Cha Cha (27 out of 40)

David Ross should get extra points for rapping Bust a Move on national television. A million thumbs up emoji’s, but the dance was kind of a let down. It pains me to write that, but it’s true.

4. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Viennese Waltz (29 out of 40)

This guy is SUCH a charmer. I actually literally screamed along with the audience when he almost kissed Sharna in the middle of the dance. Did you guys notice the HAND HOLDING in the package?! If they are just Katniss & Peeta-ing us for votes, I’m gonna be pissed. Also, I will admit, I’m a sucker for any Texas boy that can two-step. (Hey, my husband can two-step, get off me. #TexasForever)

Obligatory Tim Riggins Photo:

7afc8f4a30d2c7e1d7cfea3f44b08c7b

Simone-Biles-Cha-Cha-Dancing-Stars-Video

3. Simone Biles & Sasha, Cha Cha (29 out of 40)

Watch: Simone’s Cha Cha to Burnin’ Up

This dance was REALLY REALLY GOOD. I liked it way better than her tango last week. The judges scored her low, she deserved more 8’s.

Wk2-Rashad-Emma

2. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Viennese Waltz (32 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Viennese Waltz to Suffer

Ok, I REALLY like this dude. He has some SERIOUS swagger happening and he’s like, the definition of smooth. Also, my friend says that all of America hates whatever girl dumped him now. #sotrue

hqdefault

1. Normani Kordei & Val, Cha Cha (32 out of 40)

Watch: Normani’s Cha Cha to Give Me Your Love

Normani and Val were in Japan all week and JET LAG IS NO JOKE PEOPLE. Somehow she nailed this routine (landing 4 hours before the show) but 5 days post-Hawaii, I still didn’t know what day it was. Between the Fifth Harmony Fan Harem and her actual dancing ability, she might actually win.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye: 

Chris Kattan & Whitney

I said, I don’t wanna talk about it.

Dancing with the Stars, Power Rankings, Week 1

My husband has, affectionately, changed the name of “Dancing with the Stars” to “Dancing with People You’ve Heard Of.” Only this season, it’s really more like “Dancing with People You Think You May Have Seen Once Before Somewhere.” This is out of control. Are there seriously NO celebrities left that want to be on this show? It can’t be THAT hard to find actual stars. When you guys see me on this show next season, you’ll all be like- hey, I think that girl writes a blog and got 50 people to like her Facebook page. We’ve seriously reached that level.

Each week, I will post my definitive power rankings for each couple that probably won’t coincide with the judges scores because A) I’m biased and B) there’s a large list of reality TV stars that I hate. Additionally, each ranking will be accompanied by unnecessary commentary because that’s just who I am as a person. Let’s get started.

16640948_10155011278181740_3895170892624879119_n

Week 1:

12. Charo & Keo, Salsa (21 out of 40)

You know that emoji with the wide eyes, straight mouth and slightly embarrassed blushing cheeks? That’s what my face looked like the entire time Charo was on stage. What is wrong with her? And why does her nose look exactly like Michael Jackson’s? I need ALL the gifs of Tom Bergeron pulling her back from the judges table. omg.

11. Mr. T & Kym, Cha Cha (20 out of 40)

Halfway through Mr. T’s dance it looked like he just decided to do his own thing. Bless him. “I pity the fool” who has to teach him how to dance, but at least she’s married to Robert Herjavec now and can comfort herself with her BILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

10. Chris Kattan & Whitney, Cha Cha (17 out of 40)

I really enjoyed this dance because watching Whitney’s giant hair do the Roxbury head bob just killed me. However, I couldn’t tell where the funny bad dancing ended and the real dancing began. Apparently, the judges had the same problem.

9. Erika Jayne & Gleb, Salsa (24 out of 40)

A few questions. Who is this woman? How does she have so much money? And WHY was she sitting on a unicorn? I’m done with her.

8. Bonner Bolton & Sharna, Cha Cha (22 out of 40)

Ummm, ok. We’re going to need parental advisories for these two. Between their “chemistry” and Sharna’s outfits… MY GRACIOUS. I didn’t even watch this dude dance because I was just staring at Sharna’s TINY shorts the entire time! Oh, but don’t get me wrong, I am stoked for this love affair. Please fall in love and get married. PLEASE.

7. Nick Viall & Peta, Cha Cha (24 out of 40)

I heard from people who watch The Bachelor (as I refuse to) that they think Nick is gay. I don’t really care either way (although his fiancé might) but maybe that’s why he can shake his hips so well. I was actually impressed.

6. Nancy Kerrigan & Artem, Viennese Waltz (28 out of 40)

While I was explaining to some 20 year old’s who Nancy Kerrigan is, I realized the whole knee-busting thing happened before they were born. Yeah. Let that sink in for a minute. She seems really sweet and her dance was good, but DWTS totally missed an opportunity to boost ratings by having Tonya on this season as well. (Btw, what percentage of time do you think Artem wears a shirt? 15?)

5. Heather Morris & Maks, Viennese Waltz (28 out of 40)

Listen, I don’t know who this chick is, but they shouldn’t let her be on this show. SHE WAS BEYONCE’S BACKUP DANCER. Julianne claims ballroom dancing is “very different” than what Heather was trained in, but that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. She literally got paid to dance. I mean, not as a stripper, but SHE SHOULD NOT BE ON THIS SHOW.

4. Normani Kordei & Val, Quickstep (27 out of 40)

Fifth Harmony is SO slutty. I said this once on Twitter and their little harem of fans annihilated me. I STAND BY MY STATEMENT, TWITTER TROLLS. As for Normani herself, she seems fine and did awesome on her quickstep. Definitely an early season favorite.

cubs1

3. David Ross & Lindsay, Quickstep (28 out of 40)

Watch: David’s Quickstep to Go Cubs Go

I LOVE me some Lindsay! For a middle aged white guy, David’s ability to dance impressed me. The only problem with this choreography was the baseball field outline on the floor. Either he hit from 3rd base (not allowed) or slid into 1st (which they teach you in freaking T-Ball not to do). Thumbs up to the dance. Thumbs down to the baseball.

ABC-Simone-Biles-ml-170320_12x5_1600

2. Simone Biles & Sasha, Tango (32 out of 40)

Watch: Simone’s Tango to Untouchable

Simone is cute, but I have to confess, it’s like one step down from Laurie Hernandez’s cuteness. Don’t you think? She’s an early favorite too because, not a shock to anyone, she can dance REALLY well. As for gymnastics, WE LOVE YOU, SIMONE. #thanksforeverything #merica

DWTS-season24-premiere-RASHAD-JENNINGS-EMMA-SLATER

1. Rashad Jennings & Emma, Cha Cha (31 out of 40)

Watch: Rashad’s Cha Cha to 24k Magic

I’m putting Rashad first, even though Simone got a higher score because this was my favorite dance of the night. He absolutely KILLED IT. You can’t teach star power, and this dude’s got it.

Based on Week 1 dances alone, I’m rooting for David or Rashad to win the mirrorball trophy. Who do I think will actually win? Simone. Once a gold medalist, always a gold medalist.

Victoria, Ep. 8: “Young England” Recap

So. My FAB trip to Hawaii set me back on TV watching (whoops), but I’m FINALLY caught back up and I’d like to say thank you (mom) for your patience on my Victoria finale thoughts. First, can we take a minute to talk about how BEAUTIFUL the opening theme for this show is? It’s perfect. It’s soft and light in the beginning, but then grows strong and regal, just like Victoria herself. I have no idea what the name of this song is, but does anyone know if it’s on iTunes? Would I look like a complete idiot riding around in my car, belting out “HAL-LELUUU-UUUJAH?” Yeah, I thought so, but I just needed to get that out before the last blog. On to the recap.

ep008-001

Baby Mama

It’s nice to know that the Queen of England is just like every other SUPER pregnant woman: Cranky. The whole squad’s back in town to wait for the baby to be born, but honestly it doesn’t seem that different than when we hashtagged #RoyalBabyWatch and stared at the 7 hour live stream waiting for Prince George to come outside…Does it? Ok yeah, it’s different, but mostly because everyone is sitting around WAITING TO SEE IF SHE DIES! How. Morbid. It’s crazy how real her fear of dying is. She is terrified, which is a huge win for modern technology because the biggest thing women have to worry about today is if things go according to their “birth plan.” Eye rolling emoji. Victoria demands to have a wet nurse (for which she would be CRUCIFIED on Facebook, btw) and her mom gets all judgy. Victoria sarcastically retorts, “She is not a queen. And I am not a cow.” Excuse me for just a minute. I’m ROTFL.

Assassination Attempt

Some baby-faced kid named Oxford tries to assassinate Victoria, only he forgets to put bullets in the gun. He claims the “Young England Society” is behind the plot, but it turns out he’s just freakin crazy and is acquitted by reason of insanity. While babyface is in prison, rumors spread that the event was orchestrated by wannabe-throne-stealing-Uncle Cumberland. (Apparently, he killed his dad, but still rules a country, so everyone’s super chill about it.) Victoria shows her maturity and her ability to rule as a FANTASTIC queen by backing the English Justice System (dun, dun) in their decision to acquit Oxford. In a confrontation with Uncle Cumberland she tells him, “I know I am a better monarch than you could ever be.” BOOM. Put that old fool in his place.

Victoria-Young-England-2

Guess Who’s Back? Back Again…

Ernest rolls into town (note: not on a white horse) still clutching that danged handkerchief. He uses classic middle school tactics to get Harriet to admit she likes him back. He’s trying so hard to make us believe he’s SUCH a good guy now, because he didn’t try to sleep with the married woman he likes. He only made out with her. To this I have a Joey reaction:

ofriends-720p-s04e07-the-one-where-chandler-crosses-the-line-mkv-snapshot-19-16-2011-12-25-14-07-08-1024x576

Screen Shot 2017-03-18 at 6.44.10 PM

Exactly, Joey. Exactly.

CuokP7xW8AAuY75

Baby Victoria 

A super pregnant Victoria eats candy out of a bowl balancing on her stomach and IT IS SO CUTE. She has a sincerely touching moment with Uncle Leo and I’d like to point out how HUGE of a deal it is when a pregnant woman shares her food. They’ve officially bonded. Victoria goes into labor in a scene that I’m pretty sure was toned down from real life, but still waaaaaay more real than when Aunt Becky popped out twins on Full House. Real talk tho: My eyes just started pouring out tears when she called for her mama. They don’t have the best relationship and Victoria is a stubborn, I-do-it-myself kind of daughter, but there are just times in a girl’s life when she needs her mama.

2bd7ca0ef309158cadf2825b7848a1a6

It’s not a boy and Albert says, “We should call her Victoria, after a great queen.” I cry. And can’t wait for Season 2.

March Madness

I’ve spent the better part of my adult life trying to talk women I know into filling out a March Madness bracket. Since I have rarely been successful, I thought, why not fail again in blog form? Starting this Thursday, there’s going to be A LOT of college basketball on your TV. Like, from tiny schools with mascots you’re not even sure what they are. (I’m looking at you, Banana Slugs.) So while you’re stuck watching this for the next 3 weeks (yes, it’s that long) wouldn’t it be much more enjoyable if you made an investment into these teams? The answer is yes.

Enter: the bracket.

Filling out a March Madness bracket is like gambling with fake money. You have a reason to pay attention to who wins, but you can still blow that hundred bucks at Target later. (Pro Tip: Don’t actually gamble on March Madness with real money because your odds of being correct are like 0%. Please inform the men in your life of this. WE NEED THAT MONEY FOR TARGET, DUDE.)

Also, you should be thankful I’m imparting my bracketology (real thing) knowledge upon you. One year, I got a 99.5% correct bracket. (Albeit, my husband’s was 99.7% correct and he continues to remind me of this.) Another year, I beat an entire office full of men. (Or at least I would have, if I would’ve put the bracket into the computer right. Technology has never been my friend.) I don’t actually watch college basketball until the tournament starts, so my picks are all random, with some biased explanation below. Feel free to copy it and laugh when everyone in your office is shocked your bracket is winning. Now, ask the nearest man in your life where you can get a bracket, or if you’re against “mansplaining” (not a real thing) just google it and let’s get this party started.

DISCLAIMER: There are also years my bracket is COMPLETELY wrong. The One with Amy’s Blog shall not be held liable for your bracket blowing up in the first round. Proceed at your own risk.

EAST

IMG_8363

Villanova is the overall #1 seed and a 16 has never upset a 1, so, duh.

Wisconsin over V-Tech mostly because orange and maroon do NOT match, but also because midwest boys are tough and the Badgers usually find a way to win.

Florida. You can obviously see my bias, but it’s not a *completely* ridiculous pick. Will we make it to the Final Four? I wish, but probably not. Since all you millions of readers are taking my advice though, I had to pick Duke over Florida. (Just know that all of Gator Nation hates me right now.)

South Carolina got a lucky draw and will be playing like 3 feet from their home court. But since the SEC suuuuuuucks in basketball (minus FL and Kentucky) I’m just gonna pick Marquette because historically, they do well in the tournament. Plus, I AM STILL VERY ANGRY AT MUSCHAMP.

WEST

IMG_8364

Every year I pick two 8’s and two 9’s because those games are 50/50 anyway. This year I ended up with Vandy over Northwestern which goes against every fiber of my SEC-sucks-at-basketball-being. The only thing I know for certain is the people playing in this game will one day rule the world. #geniuses

Princeton to upset Notre Dame. A very risky (and probably incorrect) pick but every year a team full of white guys gets a win. This year I’m betting on Princeton. (You have my permission to choose ND here instead.)

West Virginia, MOUNTAIN MAMA, because my family is from there originally. #themoreyouknow

Xavier over Maryland. Every time I DON’T pick Xavier they screw me.

VCU because I barely know where this school is, but they always make the tournament and they always win in the first round.

Gonzaga and Arizona to play in the Elite 8 because I really wanted to write ZAGA vs. ZONA on my bracket. Trust the process, people.

MIDWEST

IMG_8365

Obligatory Kansas pick even though they’re the most overrated team in the tournament EVERY. YEAR.

Michigan State over Miami because no one wants to be stuck in a gym all day when there’s a beautiful beach outside.

Iowa State. Was it last year all the Iowa teams were good? I can’t remember, but didn’t want to risk it being this team.

Creighton sounds like a rich frat boy’s name. Also, I have zero idea where this school is on the map.

Oregon because my brother’s girlfriend is from there and Pacific North-westerners are SO NICE. Bonus: Nike.

Louisville to the Final Four because: scandals win championships.

SOUTH

IMG_8368

UNC because Michael Jordan.

I picked Arkansas over Seton Hall to keep my two 8’s and two 9’s intact, but I have a feeling I’m going to regret this one.

Minnesota. I know nothing about this school except it’s where Brenda went to college when she left 90210 for those few episodes and also Rick Pitino’s son is their coach. So while his character may be questionable, he’s probably good at coaching basketball.

Cincinnati because I can’t pick THREE 11-over-6 upsets. That would just be stupid. (Unlike the rest of my choices.)

UCLA: basketball. legends. But in years past, they’ve let me down. Can’t trust em.

Wichita State. They only have 4 losses and that just looks so nice on a bracket.

FINAL FOUR

IMG_8369

Duke. Arizona. Louisville. Kentucky.

I’m picking Kentucky to win it all even though I would consider them to be in a “down year” by Kentucky standards (5 losses. lol.) I watched a 2 minute video of all the statistics of past champions, offensive/defensive percentage, some other stuff I didn’t understand and in the end, it told me to pick Kentucky.

So there you have it. The secret to a good March Madness bracket is… don’t watch basketball. Picks have to be in by Thursday at noon. GET MOVING and don’t forget to brush up on the lyrics to “One Shining Moment.”