You know who loves a royal wedding?! THIS GIRL. I woke up at 5 AM to watch William and Kate get married, and then I bought the entire 6 hour coverage on DVD. Don’t judge me.
Get a Room
Albert and Victoria are all over each other in this episode. Making out in that folly/gazebo thing, whispering sweet nothings to each other. These actors have some serious heat and the letters they write back and forth are SO passionate. (I’m going to assume these are 100% real since the lady that wrote this series studied Victoria’s letters for a living.) Albert is charming and Victoria is a sucker for romance, so it’s just flat out adorable.
Everything’s all rainbows and butterflies until Uncle Leo starts drama about Albert needing an English title and an allowance of 50,000 pounds a year. Now, I don’t know the British inflation rate from the 1790’s to the 1840’s, but Mr. Darcy only had 10,000 a year and HE WAS A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE. So seriously, Albert, why do you need that much money? Parliament is a LIL bit pissed that Victoria chose a German groom, so they agree to only 30,000 a year and no English title.
Albert returns to Germany and are the Family-Von-Coburgs broke? Why do they care so much about Albert’s allowance? Ernest throws Albert a bachelor party at a house of ill repute so he can get a lesson in lady love. (OMG) I yell, “Don’t do it Albert!” but then he takes the girl’s hand and I’m all wide-eyed-mouth-gaping-open-NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Turns out my freakout was premature, because he just ends up asking the whore for instructions on how to… ahem, you know. He takes notes. WITH A PEN AND PAPER. (Also, she literally is a whore, so don’t @ me for slut shaming.)
Victoria freaks out because she learns her Uncle Leo has a mistress, her father had a mistress and everybody just acts like this is totally normal. Listen, we’ve all been there. When you’re about to get married, everybody and their mistress’ mother tries to scare you that you’re doomed to repeat their awful marriages. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE LIKE THEM! ALBERT IS A GOOD MAN! IF YOU’D ONLY BEEN AT THE WHORE HOUSE YOU’D KNOW!
Victoria makes Albert a knight, but the Family-Von-Coburgs can’t let the allowance thing go. He wants to be independent, but Victoria is all like hey man, isn’t it enough that I’m letting you marry me? (She has a point.) She confronts Albert and asks him if he wants the money so he can keep a mistress. (You go girl!) He ever so sweetly tells her she’s the only woman he could ever want which was definitely a better way to go than, “Listen honey, I just turned down a hooker for you. You owe me 50k.”
The Wedding/GOODBYE LORD M I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
Victoria decides to buck tradition and wear a white wedding dress, setting a trend that has lasted almost 200 years. She wishes she could get married as “an ordinary woman” so she chooses to keep the line about obeying her husband in her wedding vows, which is SUPER respectful to Albert. These cats really love each other. It’s presh.
When Victoria told Lord M she was marrying Albert, he did a decent job of hiding his feelings. During the wedding, he carries a giant sword that I’m sure is heavy, but is nothing compared to the emotional weight he’s carrying. He looks like a man that they probably shouldn’t have given a massive weapon to, if you know what I’m saying. Victoria asks to see him before she leaves for her honeymoon. I start to quietly cry. They have this exchange:
V: “You once told me that when I gave my heart, I would give it without reservation.”
M: “Yes, I remember.”
V: “And you were almost right.”
M: “Almost, ma’am?”
V: “I shall never forget.”
I AM NOW VIOLENTLY SOBBING. Lord M kisses her on the cheek and they say their goodbyes. He turns to look at her one last time, but she runs off to be with Albert. It’s so ridiculously sad how time stood still for Melbourne, while Victoria is just beginning her young, exciting life. Goodbye, Lord M. We’ll never forget you either. (Does anyone have directions to Brocket Hall? I just wanna check and make sure he’s ok.)