Victoria, Ep. 7: “The Engine of Change” Recap

“Your queen is sick.”

“We don’t say sick, we say indisposed.”

“Well, she is ‘indisposed’… out of her mouth.”

Preggers

Victoria’s knocked up! A room full of grown men applaud her for getting pregnant and it’s super weird. (I wonder if this happened to Kate Middleton?) Victoria’s mother tries to help her by instructing her to take it easy, have a spa day, watch some Netflix, but she won’t listen. She’s determined to keep working, and even decides to go on a trip. (Monkey covering his eyes emoji.)

Victoria is afraid of childbirth (hello, who isn’t.) but she doesn’t have the luxury of normal mommy fears. You know, like making everyone use hand sanitizer before they touch your kid. Instead, she has to choose a regent in case she dies in childbirth, but the kid lives. (Is this covered in What to Expect When You’re Expecting?) Her fears of dying are completely justified, since the sole reason she became queen was because her Aunt Charlotte died giving birth. Without hesitation, Victoria chooses Albert to be regent and all of British Parliament collectively loses it’s mind.

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C’mon Baby, Do the Loco-Motion 

Albert and Victoria take a trip up north and talk too much about trains. Apparently, the “technology” of a locomotive is like a freaking iPhone to these people. Robert Peel crashes the northern party and he and Albert start a bromance as they ride on the train. (Peel is the guy who took Lord M’s place as Prime Minister. Could it be anymore ironic that Albert likes Robert Peel while Lord M thought he was an idiot? I still miss you, Lord M.)

Victoria does what any hormonal wife would do and yells at her husband for such reckless behavior as riding on a train! (Pearls. Clutched.) Albert talks her off the ledge and convinces her to give modern technology a try. So while everyone wants her pregnant self lying in a bed, she instead, RIDES ON A TRAIN. If her mother thinks laughing is bad for the baby, we will need to conveniently leave this part out of the mini-vacay scrapbook.

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#RelationshipGoals 

Albert and Victoria are just straight relationship goals in this episode. Albert comes up with a little signal for them to do in public to say they love each other. Victoria is worried that Albert will no longer desire her post-pregnancy body. (Hold up, is this 1840 or 2017?! If this was happening right now, Victoria would be posting photos of her “Fit Pregnancy” workouts on Facebook. Chill, V. Albert is all about that bass.) Even though Albert and Victoria disagree, they always end up pushing each other to be a better version of themselves. #Marriage. Peel ends up going to bat for Albert with Parliament to approve him as regent and Albert and Victoria begin working as a team to rule the country. Awwww.

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No Ernest & Harriet

You may be asking yourself how people survived before they could stalk their forbidden love interest on social media. Apparently, it was by staring at a 2X3 TINY photo. Oh, what Harriet wouldn’t give for a public Instagram feed right now. Is Ernest coming back? I mean, this isn’t a Lord M kind of deal where they just WRITE HIM OUT OF THE SHOW, is it? (Don’t @ me, I know it’s history. I JUST DON’T CARE.)

Suits, Ep. 14: “Admission of Guilt” Recap

I’ve noticed in trying to write Suits recaps that I don’t actually understand a lot of what is going on in this show. They talk one step below Gilmore Girls fast and use legal jargon that IDK what most it means. However, I have watched every episode for six seasons and I can ALMOST understand all the words in the opening song! Small victories. #TheGreenbackBoogie

I’d like to introduce you to our new “define terms” section for Suits. You know, like your middle school science book had, so you could learn what an igneous rock was? (You still don’t know what an igneous rock is, do you. Your Earth Science teacher hates you right now.)

Craig Seidel– Guy who controls the character and fitness section of the bar. Claims some company called Velocity stole his technology. Tries to strong arm Harvey into getting it back.

Velocity– See above.

James Palmer– Lawyer for Velocity. Really big ears.

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The Lawsuit

Mike and Harvey decide to use the legal aid clinic to sue Velocity so it looks legitimate. (These guys just can’t help themselves from playing with fire.) The reason Craig wants to sue Velocity is so their stock will tank, but the reason Harvey and Mike want to sue them is so Craig will “sponsor” Mike into the bar exam, using his years of work experience, instead of law school.

Halfway through this very confusing episode:

Husband: “Why doesn’t Mike just go to law school?”

Me: “I don’t think he’s allowed.”

Husband: “But he’s allowed to be sponsored into taking the bar? I don’t think that’s a thing. You should put that in your blog.”

In conclusion, the official Smeltzer family stance here is that this isn’t a real thing. Moving on.

The Legal Aid Clinic

Mike’s boss is very angry with him. I’ve decided to name him Cranky Nathan. Cranky Nathan keeps yelling at Mike, but TBH Mike is lying to him and using his clinic to do something fairly illegal, soooo Cranky Nathan is not entirely wrong. Mike is still nice to Ollie even though he sucks in court and tries to encourage him that he’s still a good lawyer WHILST (Friends joke. I’m hilarious.) he’s researching hidden things to make up an illegal lawsuit. Mike confesses the plan to Ollie. He wants to tell Cranky Nathan and that, my friends, is a bad idea.

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The Lie

Big ears Palmer lets us in on a little secret. Ole Craig lied to us and Harvey is piiiiiiissed. Turns out, he was in on the “stealing” of the technology and got paid $300 million. Apparently, the reason he asked Harvey to start this lawsuit was because the bad guys turned on him, which if you ask me, is kind of an occupational hazard when you work with bad guys. Duh. Harvey blackmails him into pinky promising Mike will be able to take the bar.

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The Other Firm News

Louis and Tara are SOOOOOOO cute. I do not find a single thing attractive about Louis Litt, but I’m glad someone else does.

Harvey and Louis are playing so nice together now! Mommy Jessica would be so proud. Or at least she would have been until they got fired by a very important client. Oops.

“The Donna” (digital voice box) is learning to be empathetic, although I’m still not really sure where this storyline is taking us. Wouldn’t it be crazy if the technology that made The Donna is the technology that Velocity stole and IT Ben is in on it?? PLOT. TWIST.

Victoria, Ep. 6: “The Queen’s Husband” Recap

Oh, Lehzen. SMH. I know typically kings and queens have separate bed chambers but literally, the first day Victoria’s back from her honeymoon, you don’t even THINK to knock on the door?! Lehzen brings us some hilarious comedic relief this episode by walking in on the newlyweds and giving “advice” on 1840’s birth control. I literally laughed out loud when Victoria jumped up and down 10 times hoping she wouldn’t get pregnant. No wonder she ended up with 9 children. (All the crying laughing emojis.)

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“The Queen’s Husband”

Albert and Victoria have been married like 3 days and Albert starts talking about having babies. Whoa, man. Back up. Victoria goes off to “work” fulfilling her daily duties as queen, while Albert becomes a stay-at-home-husband and he hates it. He’s in charge of thank you notes for the wedding presents. This is not going well. He tells Victoria he wants to find a place he belongs, a place he has earned. Plus, can we cut the guy some slack? He’s having culture shock. People draw him as a sausage! (C’mon guys. Is that the best German stereotype you could come up with? Nothing about Oktoberfest? I expected more from you.)

Ernest & Harriett

Ernest decides to stay in England and start hitting on married women. A step up from prostitutes, but this will not end well. Harriett thinks Ernest puts on a bad boy facade but secretly he has a heart of gold. A Tim Riggins if you will. (Muah.)

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The only problem is, HE’S ACTUALLY A BAD GUY HARRIETT AND WHERE IS YOUR HUSBAND?? Harriett thinks they’re just casually flirting, but Ernest acts like he’s in love. Albert tells Ernest he needs to go back home and he actually seems sad! Is this guy yanking our chain? Either way, Harriett falls for it. She “accidentally” drops her handkerchief for Ernest to keep which is basically the original 19th century Tinder. Harriett totally just swiped right.

Anti-Slavery

Europe is always setting trends. You know, with British Vogue and Anti-Slavery meetings. Victoria can’t get involved in the anti-slavery convention because she’s the sovereign and Lord M taught her well. (Miss you, boo.) The protocols prohibit her from interference but they do not prohibit Albert. He decides to give a speech. Albert and his secretary finally bond over a bizarre quoting of Shakespeare and translating his speech from German to English. Albert gets a standing O for his speech and England seems to have accepted the German sausage! I mean, once you get the slow clap from a runaway slave, you’ve officially made it, bruh.

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Lord M

I checked the IMDB. I knew he wouldn’t be in this episode, but still when they would mention his name or show someone writing a letter, then sloooooowly pan up to their face I was like, could it be him?!?! We’ve already taken a few liberties with history right? (Especially in this blog.) Can’t we just throw it all out the window and bring Lord M back? I need to get some Social Justice Warriors from Twitter on this cause. #LordMMatters!!

Suits, Ep. 13: “Teeth, Nose, Teeth” Recap

So, I need to apologize to all 4 of you who read my recaps each week. I’m a little late with this week’s post because I CAN’T STOP WATCHING SNEAKY PETE. AHHHHHHH

Our episode begins with Mike and Harvey rekindling their bromance, AND THANK GOODNESS because I couldn’t take anymore of their yelling, fighting and being separated in prison. Mike and Rachel announce they are finally getting married (yay!), and they each ask Harvey and Donna to be their best man/maid of honor. (Awww.) Mike makes a joke about Harvey tryin’ to get with Donna during the wedding, we laugh, and all is right in our little Suits world again. Party popper emoji.

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The Case

Ok this lady is kind of an idiot. Mike gets her a settlement of $25,000 so she can move into an apartment that has zero shattered windows and she wants to hold out for a CHANCE at more money. Also, asthma treatments every year for her kid are going to be at least $25,000? Seriously? How much is an inhaler? HE’LL BE FINE.

I failed to mention in last week’s blog that Oliver (whom we’ll call Ollie) blew it in court. Mike tries to give the case to someone else, but there’s no one left to do it. Also, since Mike is a known fraud, he can’t even sit at the table and secretly help Ollie. They pull an all-nighter to prepare and poor Ollie STILL blows it. They lose the case, the stupid woman gets no money, and Mike realizes that as much as he wants to help people, his hands are tied because he’s not a real lawyer.

The Bar

Rachel is denied an interview to the character and fitness (aka: “made up”) section of the bar. She freaks out, then Louis freaks out, and Harvey fixes it. Turns out the dude who schedules the interviews wants a favor from Harvey. He tries to strong arm Harvey into bringing a lawsuit against his competitor that will be laced with “ethical ambiguity.”

Which brings me to my next point:

The Take Down

Every season of Suits is basically the same. There are various high level executives, lawyers, investment guys, stock brokers, etc. all middle-aged white dudes that LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME trying to take down Harvey, Mike, or The Firm. As great lawyers should, they fight back and end up using the take down to their advantage. Even when Mike was in prison, they took down his CELLMATE’S FATHER-IN-LAW to help get him out. I mean, what are the odds of that, people?

Harvey, as per usual, turns things around on this new guy (whose name I still don’t know) and ends up with a chance to get Mike into the bar. Like, almost legally. Fingers crossed.

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The Donna

Donna flirts with the IT boy so much that he makes a tiny digital voice box called “The Donna.” I don’t know if this was a one off plot line, or if this will continue through the rest of the season, but maybe they’ll make a Harvey box to tell the Donna box how much he loves her.

Ok, break’s over. I gotta go, BACK TO SNEAKY PETE!!!

Victoria, Ep. 5: “An Ordinary Woman” Recap

You know who loves a royal wedding?! THIS GIRL. I woke up at 5 AM to watch William and Kate get married, and then I bought the entire 6 hour coverage on DVD. Don’t judge me.

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Get a Room

Albert and Victoria are all over each other in this episode. Making out in that folly/gazebo thing, whispering sweet nothings to each other. These actors have some serious heat and the letters they write back and forth are SO passionate. (I’m going to assume these are 100% real since the lady that wrote this series studied Victoria’s letters for a living.) Albert is charming and Victoria is a sucker for romance, so it’s just flat out adorable.

The Germans

Everything’s all rainbows and butterflies until Uncle Leo starts drama about Albert needing an English title and an allowance of 50,000 pounds a year. Now, I don’t know the British inflation rate from the 1790’s to the 1840’s, but Mr. Darcy only had 10,000 a year and HE WAS A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE. So seriously, Albert, why do you need that much money? Parliament is a LIL bit pissed that Victoria chose a German groom, so they agree to only 30,000 a year and no English title.

Albert returns to Germany and are the Family-Von-Coburgs broke? Why do they care so much about Albert’s allowance? Ernest throws Albert a bachelor party at a house of ill repute so he can get a lesson in lady love. (OMG) I yell, “Don’t do it Albert!” but then he takes the girl’s hand and I’m all wide-eyed-mouth-gaping-open-NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Turns out my freakout was premature, because he just ends up asking the whore for instructions on how to… ahem, you know. He takes notes. WITH A PEN AND PAPER. (Also, she literally is a whore, so don’t @ me for slut shaming.)

Mistresses Everywhere

Victoria freaks out because she learns her Uncle Leo has a mistress, her father had a mistress and everybody just acts like this is totally normal. Listen, we’ve all been there. When you’re about to get married, everybody and their mistress’ mother tries to scare you that you’re doomed to repeat their awful marriages. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE LIKE THEM! ALBERT IS A GOOD MAN! IF YOU’D ONLY BEEN AT THE WHORE HOUSE YOU’D KNOW!

Victoria makes Albert a knight, but the Family-Von-Coburgs can’t let the allowance thing go. He wants to be independent, but Victoria is all like hey man, isn’t it enough that I’m letting you marry me? (She has a point.) She confronts Albert and asks him if he wants the money so he can keep a mistress. (You go girl!) He ever so sweetly tells her she’s the only woman he could ever want which was definitely a better way to go than, “Listen honey, I just turned down a hooker for you. You owe me 50k.”

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The Wedding/GOODBYE LORD M I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU

Victoria decides to buck tradition and wear a white wedding dress, setting a trend that has lasted almost 200 years. She wishes she could get married as “an ordinary woman” so she chooses to keep the line about obeying her husband in her wedding vows, which is SUPER respectful to Albert. These cats really love each other. It’s presh.

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When Victoria told Lord M she was marrying Albert, he did a decent job of hiding his feelings. During the wedding, he carries a giant sword that I’m sure is heavy, but is nothing compared to the emotional weight he’s carrying. He looks like a man that they probably shouldn’t have given a massive weapon to, if you know what I’m saying. Victoria asks to see him before she leaves for her honeymoon. I start to quietly cry. They have this exchange:

V: “You once told me that when I gave my heart, I would give it without reservation.”

M: “Yes, I remember.”

V: “And you were almost right.”

M: “Almost, ma’am?”

V: “I shall never forget.”

I AM NOW VIOLENTLY SOBBING. Lord M kisses her on the cheek and they say their goodbyes. He turns to look at her one last time, but she runs off to be with Albert. It’s so ridiculously sad how time stood still for Melbourne, while Victoria is just beginning her young, exciting life. Goodbye, Lord M. We’ll never forget you either. (Does anyone have directions to Brocket Hall? I just wanna check and make sure he’s ok.)

Suits, Ep. 12: “The Painting” Recap

The Green Thing

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There’s some debate online about whether this painting is a duck or an alligator. Honestly, I paid no attention and thought it was a frog for like the first 5 seasons. So, whatever the green thing is, at least we all know it represents a happier time in Harvey’s life. Yeah, it doesn’t exactly match the teal on his office walls or go with his giant record collection (#swoon) but that’s not the point. The point is that for years Harvey resented his mother, but held onto a happy memory of her. (Until that savage Elliot guy took it- Idk who he even is, but that was a terrible scene to watch.) Why did Harvey keep this painting? Because people don’t really WANT to hate their family members and underneath all of Harvey’s tough guy exterior, he really needs his family. This is exactly like when Billy Riggins kicked Tim out of the house and he ended up having to sleep in his truck, but eventually they made up and beat the crap out of a scary meth dealer. (If you can’t draw the parallel between those two storylines, I can’t help you. #missyou, Rigs. Pink heart with the arrow emoji.)

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Back to the recap: Harvey’s brother is really the star of this episode. Being the family peacekeeper is a tough job. (Or so I’ve been told, I’m certainly not it, DJ is. Thanks Bubba.) Harvey goes to Boston to reconcile with his mom, hits a few bumps along the way, but is ultimately saved by his brother’s intervention. When he returns to the firm, he apologizes for screaming in Louis’ face and they decide to be co-managing partners. They also decide not to change the name of the firm which makes ZERO sense because you can’t be “Pearson Specter Litt” with no Pearson. Louis alludes to leaving the name in case Jessica decides to come back. Is this foreshadowing? Or are the Suits writers just toying with my emotions again.

Mike gets a job! Go Mike! 

Mike becomes a supervisor at a legal aid clinic and turns over a new leaf by telling everyone about his fraudulent life on like his second day of being the boss. Surprisingly, it goes over well. He works with super-curly-headed-girl on a case that they’re going to lose. He ends up giving a random lady $3600 of HIS OWN MONEY so she won’t get evicted. Which prompted this discussion in my head: when you go to prison, they freeze your assets right? But when you get out of prison, do they unfreeze them? Like, let’s say you were a fake lawyer for like 5 years and you made a gazillion dollars from it. Do you get to keep that gazillion dollars even though the way you earned it was a crime?? I guess so because bruh has $3600 to just give away to strangers. (Although I really wish he would have saved that for his own rent, so I don’t have to say goodbye to that FABULOUS apartment he and Rachel live in.)

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The New Green Thing

After Harvey reconciles with his mother, he gets an updated version of the weird green painting. I love the new green thing. A) it’s a photograph, so it doesn’t look near as weird as the original. B) the new photo has Harvey, his mother AND the unidentified green animal. All emotional turmoil has now been tied up in a neat little bow. While episodes like this aren’t super fast paced and edge-of-your-seat interesting, I like to see the character’s backstories. I do think we’ve beat this Harvey’s mom horse to death though. Now that he’s been through therapy and forgiven her, can he just be ready to have a serious relationship with Donna already? Sigh.

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