Victoria, Ep. 4: “The Clockwork Prince” Recap

Elementary School

Albert and Victoria’s relationship begins similar to an elementary school love. There’s some fighting, (figurative) hair pulling and a lot of chasing each other around. He loves art and he ROCKS at playing the piano. They play a duet (which he uses to get all up on her) and he tells Victoria she’s very talented but reprimands her for not practicing enough. (Too honest, bro. Facepalm.) Victoria gets all pissed, but the next day she practices the piano. Hmm.

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Lord M is super suspect of Albert, thinking he only wants to marry Victoria for the crown. (We see right through you, Lord M.) Albert thinks he’s on a “fool’s errand” trying to get this chick to propose to him since they can’t get along. He has a good heart, with concern for the poor and appreciation for the dude who invented lick-able stamps. He stands up to Victoria and she doesn’t like it… but… she likes it. You know what I mean? #women

The Dance

Lord M gives Victoria flowers (again) and she wears them on her boobs. (Why is this a thing? I know elastic hasn’t been invented yet but surely there’s a way to tie these on her wrist.) Lord M wants to ask Victoria to waltz with him but it gets SUPES AWK when Albert asks instead. I learned at the Dancing with the Stars Tour (which was awesome by the way) that the waltz was super scandalous when it first came out because of how close the men and women stand to each other. CLEARLY, those dudes were correct because this is the most sensual 1800’s dance I’ve ever seen. Lord M is hella jealous.

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Albert tells Victoria that her “corsage” (aka flowers on her boobs) reminds him of his dead mother. Victoria is touched by his sentiment and gives them to him to remember his mother. BRUH. Albert then pulls a knife out of his boot and SLICES A HOLE in his shirt to put the flowers next to his heart!!! What. A. Man. Lord M is pissed. THOSE WERE HIS FLOWERS, HELLO.

The Forest

Victoria decides to take everyone to Windsor because Albert likes trees. While there, she takes an interest in learning about the castle’s paintings to impress him. (I mean, are you really a 20 year old girl if you don’t take up a new hobby to impress a guy?) Lord M tries to bail on dinner, but ends up staying as a third wheel. Sad!

Albert and Victoria frolic in the woods. He takes care of Dash’s broken leg- with said pocket knife and a ripped shirt again (seriously, who is this guy?) but they end up fighting about Melbourne. Their relationship is like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Every time they get close to getting along they end up in a dramatic, overblown fight. Ah, young love.

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Will you marry me?

Albert’s mad and plans to leave. Victoria wants to ask him to marry her, but she’s afraid he’ll say no. (PSA: Please don’t ask someone to marry you if you don’t already know their answer. We will grant an exception if you’re a queen in 1839.) Lord M mutters under his breath: “Only a fool would turn you away, ma’am.” YOU’RE RIPPING MY HEART OUT AND STOMPING ALL OVER IT.

Victoria gets some more dead-mom-flowers for her hair and asks Albert to marry her. It’s REALLY sweet. He says he’ll only answer if she agrees to kiss him. Oh, you little artists are always so romantic. She agrees, and they have this precious exchange:

A: “For me, this is not a marriage of convenience.”

V: “No… I think it will be a marriage of inconvenience.”

Suits Ep. 11: “She’s Gone” Recap

Previously on Suits: Louis & Tara get engaged. Jessica leaves the firm. Harvey and Donna hold hands. (Eeek!)

#Darvey

THAT. OPENING. SCENE. OH MY GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I sat with my mouth gaping open, with no ability to speak, other than to whisper WHAAATTT. I was so stunned, I didn’t realize until it was over, it was Harvey and Donna’s first on screen kiss! Let’s review: if you’re an avid “suitor” you know that Harvey and Donna chose a professional relationship over a personal one. (Kind of.) Over time it’s been revealed that they slept together once (back in the day), but Donna closed the door on our little flashback heaven and we never saw them kiss. Until last night. And it was perfect. Just, oh. so. perfect.

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OR AT LEAST IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IF IT WAS REAL! I hate the Suits writers for doing this to us, but honestly, I was kinda happy it was a dream. First, when Harvey and Donna finally get together, I want ZERO percent of it off screen. Do you hear me Suits writers? ZERO PERCENT. Second, I was excited to see it was HARVEY’S dream. The show spends so much time on Donna’s love for Harvey and her wanting more from their relationship, while Harvey won’t confess his true feelings. With this dream, they’ve given us insight into Harvey’s mind.

Dream psychoanalysis: Harvey really does love Donna. And not just in the way he told her last season and then refused to elaborate. (Cop out.) He loves her in THAT way. Probably so much that he can’t express it. In the dream we see how he’s haunted by the fact Donna told him if they go there again, she won’t work for him anymore. Since we know he can’t function without her (hello panic attacks), he’s terrified of losing her. Therefore, he shuts himself off emotionally and never allows them to cross that line. (He’s also still reeling from losing Jessica, and I think this is supposed to show us how utterly worse it would be for him to lose Donna.)

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So. That’s 330 words and a dream interpretation on Harvey and Donna’s relationship all from one (pretend) kiss. You’re welcome.

The Firm

Bunk keeps offering a merger but no one trusts him. (Technically they call him Robert Zane in this show, but he will always be Bunk from The Wire.) Louis hunts down ole Katrina to get her to poach 10 associates from Bunk’s firm and bring them over to whatever Pearson Specter Litt will be called now. She’s successful, but only with the help of Bunk. Turns out he really wasn’t trying to screw them, he was trying to help them for his own daughter’s sake.

The Bar

Speaking of Rachel, I refuse to believe there’s a real section of the bar called “character and fitness.” This sounds made up. Even so, Rachel seems VERY worried about it. I suppose agreeing to marry a fraud looks a tad shady… even to a group of lawyers. She contemplates going to work for her dad, but doesn’t want to leave the fam. Ultimately Louis saves the day with the sweetest job offer that’s ever existed.

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Hard Knock Life

Harvey offers Mike a job back at the firm as a “consultant” but he’s an idiot and won’t take it. Why he thinks anyone in NYC will hire him to do legal work after he went to PRISON FOR BEING A FRAUDULENT LAWYER is beyond me. We’ve been waiting months to get the squad back together and instead Mike decides to be a teacher?! (Where he learns real quick, btw, that high school kids are meaner than any lawyer could ever be.) Harvey tries to help him, but it backfires. (Related: what’s a Suits episode without an opposing lawyer threatening to take them all down for doing something semi-illegal? No one likes you, Anita.) Mike and Harvey get into a shouting match which is really just about their own inner turmoil. As per usual.

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Let’s review again: When Harvey was 16, he caught his mom cheating on his dad and suffered in silence for 2 years before his mom finally left them. Donna, being Donna, is the only one who can tell Harvey he was using Jessica and Mike as substitutes for his real family. Now that they’ve left him, he needs to heal and he can’t do that until he makes amends with his mother, her betrayal, and his feelings of abandonment. I hope he gets all of his emotional issues sorted out in one week because I’m ready to get this #Darvey party started.

Victoria, Ep. 3: “Brocket Hall” Recap

Queen Elizabeth I

Victoria takes an interest in Queen Elizabeth I’s reign. (Not to be confused with Queen Elizabeth II who lived 400 years later. The monarch family tree is FRYING my brain.) QEI never married and chose to reign alone with “companions” by her side. She’s nicknamed the Virgin Queen, but that’s probably because no one could kiss her with that ridiculous thing around her neck.

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Uncle Leopold & a band of suitors

Victoria’s Uncle Leopold comes to town to pressure her into marrying his nephew, Albert. She hates Albert, but Uncle Leo uses the political chartist uprising to scare her into her duty to stabilize the monarchy. He also corners her and basically says, I know you like Melbourne, but you don’t really think you’re allowed to marry that old dude, do you? #rude

Victoria has a bucket load of suitors who embarrass themselves fawning over her. To make matters worse, Lord M discourages Victoria from taking any of them seriously. (Because he loooooooves her.) Uncle Leo sees this when V & M stare at each other during the opera. (How can I get the looks of Rufus Sewell on a never ending gif loop?)

Related: did anyone else know there was ANOTHER Prince George of Cambridge?? WHY DO ALL THESE MONARCHS HAVE THE SAME NAMES.

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Brocket Hall

Victoria sneaks away to visit Lord M at Brocket Hall and confess her true feelings. Ok, listen. I know she has to marry Prince Albert, and yeah, he’s a good lookin dude and later, they actually fall in love. But OH MY GAH MY HEART WAS RIPPED OUT OF MY CHEST DURING THIS SCENE. Lord Melbourne knows he has to be the one to say no. He breaks our hearts with some freaking bird analogy leaving Victoria to believe he’s still hung up on his dead wife. He lets her down SO. EASY. that it only makes me love him more.

M: “When you give your heart, it will be without hesitation. But you cannot give it to me.”

YOU ARE KILLING ME, LORD M.

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She returns to Buckingham Palace crushed, when one of her ladies realizes Lord M has reopened his greenhouses just to grow orchids for Victoria.

Vic: “He cares only for the memory of his wife.”

Lady: “Is that what he told you? Then that is what he wants you to believe.”

Theme Party

They throw a theme party and Victoria goes dressed as QEI (with that stupid thing around her neck) and Lord M goes as the Earl of Leicester. And do you know who that guy is?! Oh, he’s just the guy QEI LOVED AND COULDN’T MARRY. (Btw, someone add this to the list for potential Halloween couples costumes.) Victoria still thinks Lord M doesn’t like her, until they dance and have an entire conversation laced with subtext about QEI and Leicester. Melbourne says, ”I think he and the queen both understood they were not in a position to marry. Whatever their inclination.”

OK. THATS IT. HE LOVES HER AND NOW SHE KNOWS HE DIDN’T REALLY MEAN ALL THAT BIRD CRAP HE SAID EARLIER. AND HE’S STARING AT HER WITH THAT LOOK AGAIN. (So not joking about the gifs.)

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Take the money and run

In other news, Savage Sir John realizes he will never be able to control Victoria and she pays him to leave court. He seems a TEENY bit sad he’s breaking the Duchess’ heart, but he still wants the money. This appears to have repaired (sort of) the relationship between Victoria and her mother. When Vic’s heart is broken, her mother comforts her with this amazing line: “No man would give you up, unless he knew it was his duty.”

The Decision

Victoria decides to reign alone but we all know it’s so she can keep Lord M as her “companion.” In a crucial scene, Lord M falls on the sword and convinces her to give Albert a shot. He tells her she needs a husband to love, honor and cherish her. MORE SUBTEXT AND ALL THE FEELS. He twists the knife once more when they discuss their time spent together:

V: “You were happy too?”

M: “You know I was.”

During the final scene, I’m still reeling from my broken heart when Albert arrives, but all of the sudden my heart hurts a little less…

 

PBS and Victoria on Masterpiece

Growing up, watching PBS was not my favorite thing to do. Sure, it had some classic kids shows: Sesame Street, Mr. Rogers… but it was free TV. PUBLIC. Broadcasting. All you rich kids out there (i.e. your parents paid for cable) can’t understand the struggle because you had the Disney Channel AND Nickelodeon AND Cartoon Network while I was stuck watching Reading Rainbow. Bluh. PBS would get worse when I was forced to watch some bizarre British show that my mother watched while she folded laundry. The day we got cable was the greatest day of my childhood.

Recently, I sat down to fold some laundry. In my own house. With my own TV. And I turned on PBS. Granted, it was the Amazon Prime video app streaming through my Apple TV… BUT THE POINT REMAINS. I chose to watch a British television show on PBS! (Related: I am turning into my mother.) Those Masterpiece Theater people, whoever they are, make such freaking good TV shows that I’ve stopped watching network television. (Literally, how many shows can we make about a police force?) If you decide you want to be like me (and consequently, my mother) these are some of the British TV shows I’m obsessed with:

Poldark. Aidan Turner is so hott he has an entire blog devoted just to his show. You can read it here: Poldark

Mr. Selfridge. Kinda like Downton Abbey, only they work in a fancy department store and they’re way more slutty. Also, Jeremy Piven plays the exact same character as Ari Gold… minus all the cursing.

Death Comes to Pemberley. Only a 3 part mini series, but watching a continuation of the characters of Pride and Prejudice is just beyond cool. Spoiler (Non)Alert: Wickham is still a bad dude.

Sherlock. I LOVE Benedict Cumberbatch as a fast talking, annoyingly brilliant Sherlock Holmes. For all you people out there scared of old fashioned clothes in period dramas (I’m looking at you, Matthew) Sherlock Holmes is a perfect starter piece for your British TV obsession. It’s set in modern day!! They have smart phones!! Husbands everywhere rejoice!!

Victoria. This is your opportunity to jump on the Masterpiece bandwagon. Victoria just premiered (in America) this past Sunday and it was PHENOMENAL. It’s everything I *thought* The Crown would be. (ICYMI: My negative review of the The Crown) I’ll be recapping Victoria each week, so catch up on the premiere, set your DVR for Sunday night and get excited.

My recap of Victoria’s 2 hour premiere:

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Episode 1 “Doll 123” & Episode 2 “Ladies in Waiting”

Victoria inherits the British throne after her uncle dies. To understand why the crown was passed to her, while another uncle is still living, you’ll need to speak to your nearest European history major because it’s confusing. Victoria is 18, short, stubborn, and in this series, SO pretty. She’s been sheltered by her overbearing mother and some other guy named Sir John who tells her what to do all the time. Like who even is this guy? We will call him Savage Sir John.

Since Victoria’s been bossed around her whole life, when she becomes queen she won’t listen to anyone. Until the suave Prime Minister, Lord Melbourne, wins her over. He becomes Victoria’s private secretary basically because he’s the only one who can tell her what to do without telling her what to do. Women are complicated, but “Lord M” gets it. She likes him and we don’t really blame her because he’s easy on the eyes for an old dude.

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In the early days of her reign, Victoria royally screws up. Pun intended. She drinks too much at her coronation ball and throws herself at Lord M, 1800’s style. She then accuses Savage Sir John of knocking up Lady Flora, even though Lady Flora is still a virgin. (I guess there was no sex ed in 1837.) Turns out the poor chick was DYING from a tumor in her stomach. Whoops. Victoria’s upset and feels like she won’t make a good queen. Lord M swoops in to save the day with a pep talk inspiring her to put on a brave face for the British people. Thanks, Lord M. (Heart emoji.)

Everybody is vying for the throne. Victoria’s mom, Savage Sir John and the still-alive-uncle spend the entire 2 hour premiere coming up with ways to control Victoria. They try to deem her insane, or prove that she’s inept. They want a “regent”… an adult to rule instead of Victoria. Shocking.

Lord M used to complain about being Prime Minister but he doesn’t anymore and Victoria thinks it’s because he likes hanging out with her all day. (This is probably true.) He starts to like his job at a bad time though because he’s losing support in parliament and has to resign. Victoria freaks out. One: she’s not confident enough to be queen without Lord Melbourne’s advice. Two: she’s obsessed with him.

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Victoria plays the government games for awhile until she contrives her own plan. She “out flanks her enemies” when she refuses to change any of her ladies in waiting. See, it’s basically like she has 4 republican friends and refuses to make any friends that are democrats. Can you blame her? (JK all you liberals out there. Kissing emoji.) Lord Melbourne tries to reason with her and explain that as the monarch, she cannot show any impartiality to either side of government, but she refuses to listen. He soon gets wind of the “regent” plan to steal the throne and once again saves the day when he resumes his position as Prime Minister.

We always knew you wouldn’t leave us, Lord M. #swoon

Rewatchable Teen Dramas

There’s a very specific teen drama formula: First, you need 25-year-old beautiful people, pretending to be 16. Then, you need some girls that hate each other and a misunderstood bad boy with a good heart. Add in some sex, drugs, a love triangle and a school shooting and you’ve got yourself a show! So what if you’re 30 years old with a kid and a mortgage now… THIS IS GOOD TV!! and you should never stop watching it. Thanks to Netflix, Amazon Prime, and that random channel called “Pop”, your teenage heartthrobs will never die… although, a fringe character most certainly will. Here are my Top 5 most rewatchable teen dramas:

5. One Tree Hill (2003-2012)

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Rewatchable because: They take the dysfunctional family storyline to a new level. You need a flipping flowchart to explain how they’re all related to each other. Combine this with a PRECIOUS love story of a literary loving basketball player and a tortured soul cheerleader, and it’s the epitome of high school melodrama. Bonus: these guys did it right in skipping the college years. College years are cancer to teen dramas.

4. Friday Night Lights (2006-2011)

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Rewatchable because: TIM. RIGGINS. Just a million times, TIM. RIGGINS. He’s practically an alcoholic orphan, with great hair, an even greater football ability and HOW CAN YOU ALL NOT BE IN LOVE WITH HIM. There’s other people in this show too, but I forgot who they are. (JK) The best part of FNL is that it’s not even an embellishment of high school football. It’s pretty much real life in small town Texas. Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.

3. Gossip Girl (2007-2012)

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Rewatchable because: Insanely rich people living a lavish lifestyle in New York City? Sign! Me! Up! All things materialistic in this show make me jealousssss of life on the Upper East Side. Although, not so jealous of their terrible family drama that definitely tugs on the “poor little rich kids” heart strings. Also: Chuck Bass. Slay. XOXO.

2. Dawson’s Creek (1998-2003)

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Rewatchable because: You’re enjoying your ride on the Joey loves Dawson/Dawson loves Joey seesaw until JOEY FALLS IN LOVE WITH DAWSON’S BEST FRIEND BEHIND EVERYONE’S BACK AND IT. IS. AWESOME. Sorry bout cha, Dawson, I know it’s your creek but JOEY + PACEY = TRUE LOVE.

1. Beverly Hills, 90210 (1990-2000)

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Disclaimer: I was 4 years old when this show came out, so I was definitely too young for it’s original run. (My mother thinks I’m still too young for it now.) My BFF Ashley and I spent ENTIRE summers watching reruns and it takes the #1 spot because without 90210… none of our other beloved teen dramas would exist. 90210 paved the way for the entire genre and believe me, over 10 seasons, they did every. single. storyline. BEFORE any of those other guys.

Rewatchable because: Their clothes are back in style now! Dylan’s drinking again. Kelly stole Brenda’s boyfriend. David and Donna are the will they or won’t they couple of the century. Dylan’s drinking again. VALERIE MALONE. “I choose me.” Dylan’s drinking again.