It’s bowl week people! Technically, the bowl games have been going on for like 2 weeks already, but those were super boring and you didn’t miss anything. No one really watches until this week anyway. If you’d like to act like you know what’s going on during our FINAL college football games this season (a slow tear falls softly down my cheek), here’s one giant FYI for all your bowl game viewing pleasure. Enjoy!
Belk Bowl, Dec. 29 @ 5:30 PM, Arkansas vs. Virginia Tech
I heard an interview with Bret Bielema a couple months ago on Fox Sports Radio and HE IS SO LIKEABLE. Obviously, he has a great personality because his wife is WAY hotter than him. Also, whoever runs the Belk Bowl Twitter is an absolute rockstar. An interesting read if you’re bored during this game, which you most certainly will be. https://twitter.com/belkbowl
TaxSlayer Bowl, Dec. 31 @ 11 AM, Georgia Tech vs. Kentucky
This game is played in Jacksonville, FL at EverBank Field. Shoutout to my old employer!! Love you guys. Also, the only people that call this the TaxSlayer Bowl are the ones who call Florida/Georgia, “River City Showdown.” Can’t we just stick to what we know? This is the Gator Bowl. And FL/GA is The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl, Dec. 31 @ 11 AM, LSU vs. Louisville
If you were hoping to see Leonard Fournette play his last game as a LSU Tiger, you’ve already missed it. Bro will be chillin’ on the sideline so his NFL stock doesn’t tank. Also, Louisville’s quarterback won the Heisman, so now you know everything the announcers will say for 4 hours during this game. You’re welcome.
Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl, Dec. 31 @ 3 PM, Washington vs. Alabama
The college football playoff is so rigged this year I can’t even see straight. We threw out the computer system because it couldn’t account for everything, and now we’re stuck with a committee full of humans who are completely biased by their eye balls. PENN STATE BEAT OHIO STATE AND WON THEIR CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP. Does Washington have a chance to win this game? No. If I hear another person say ROLL TIDE I am going to murder someone, just like Alabama will murder Washington. Sorry Pac-12. Thanks for coming.
PlayStation Fiesta Bowl, Dec. 31 @ 7 PM, Ohio State vs. Clemson
I’ll be cheering for Clemson in this game because PENN STATE BEAT OHIO STATE AND WON THEIR CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP. Inevitably, it won’t matter because Ohio State has sold their soul and will win even though PENN STATE BEAT OHIO STATE AND WON THEIR CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP.
Rose Bowl Game Presented by Northwestern Mutual, Jan. 2 @ 5 PM, USC vs. Penn State
The greatest reason you should watch this bowl game is to see the USC cheerleaders outfits, and what will inevitably be (because it always is) the most beautiful blue sky that will make you wish with all your heart and soul that you were in the Tournament of Roses Parade in southern California. ALSO, PENN STATE BEAT OHIO STATE AND WON THEIR CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP. I WILL NEVER STOP SAYING THIS.
College Football Playoff National Championship, Jan. 9 @ 8 PM, Alabama vs. Ohio State (probably)
Bama wins. Urban Meyer fakes another heart attack. Nick Saban has to retire/die at some point, so while we hope for that day: We will all roll our eyes at another Alabama ring and start tracking 5 star high school recruits on Twitter, begging them to come to our school. Also, we will look forward to next year, BECAUSE THAT WILL BE OUR YEAR, right?
237 days until College Football returns!