FYI: Bowl Week

It’s bowl week people! Technically, the bowl games have been going on for like 2 weeks already, but those were super boring and you didn’t miss anything. No one really watches until this week anyway. If you’d like to act like you know what’s going on during our FINAL college football games this season (a slow tear falls softly down my cheek), here’s one giant FYI for all your bowl game viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

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Belk Bowl, Dec. 29 @ 5:30 PM, Arkansas vs. Virginia Tech

I heard an interview with Bret Bielema a couple months ago on Fox Sports Radio and HE IS SO LIKEABLE. Obviously, he has a great personality because his wife is WAY hotter than him. Also, whoever runs the Belk Bowl Twitter is an absolute rockstar. An interesting read if you’re bored during this game, which you most certainly will be. https://twitter.com/belkbowl

TaxSlayer Bowl, Dec. 31 @ 11 AM, Georgia Tech vs. Kentucky

This game is played in Jacksonville, FL at EverBank Field. Shoutout to my old employer!! Love you guys. Also, the only people that call this the TaxSlayer Bowl are the ones who call Florida/Georgia, “River City Showdown.” Can’t we just stick to what we know? This is the Gator Bowl. And FL/GA is The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

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Buffalo Wild Wings Citrus Bowl, Dec. 31 @ 11 AM, LSU vs. Louisville

If you were hoping to see Leonard Fournette play his last game as a LSU Tiger, you’ve already missed it. Bro will be chillin’ on the sideline so his NFL stock doesn’t tank. Also, Louisville’s quarterback won the Heisman, so now you know everything the announcers will say for 4 hours during this game. You’re welcome.

Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl, Dec. 31 @ 3 PM, Washington vs. Alabama 

The college football playoff is so rigged this year I can’t even see straight. We threw out the computer system because it couldn’t account for everything, and now we’re stuck with a committee full of humans who are completely biased by their eye balls. PENN STATE BEAT OHIO STATE AND WON THEIR CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP. Does Washington have a chance to win this game? No. If I hear another person say ROLL TIDE I am going to murder someone, just like Alabama will murder Washington. Sorry Pac-12. Thanks for coming.

PlayStation Fiesta Bowl, Dec. 31 @ 7 PM, Ohio State vs. Clemson

I’ll be cheering for Clemson in this game because PENN STATE BEAT OHIO STATE AND WON THEIR CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP. Inevitably, it won’t matter because Ohio State has sold their soul and will win even though PENN STATE BEAT OHIO STATE AND WON THEIR CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP.

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Rose Bowl Game Presented by Northwestern Mutual, Jan. 2 @ 5 PM, USC vs. Penn State

The greatest reason you should watch this bowl game is to see the USC cheerleaders outfits, and what will inevitably be (because it always is) the most beautiful blue sky that will make you wish with all your heart and soul that you were in the Tournament of Roses Parade in southern California. ALSO, PENN STATE BEAT OHIO STATE AND WON THEIR CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP. I WILL NEVER STOP SAYING THIS.

College Football Playoff National Championship, Jan. 9 @ 8 PM, Alabama vs. Ohio State (probably)

My Predictions:

Bama wins. Urban Meyer fakes another heart attack. Nick Saban has to retire/die at some point, so while we hope for that day: We will all roll our eyes at another Alabama ring and start tracking 5 star high school recruits on Twitter, begging them to come to our school. Also, we will look forward to next year, BECAUSE THAT WILL BE OUR YEAR, right?

237 days until College Football returns!

Friends Christmas Episodes

Happy Christmas Eve Eve! This is my Christmas present to you: an in depth analysis of how the top 3 Friends Christmas episodes are an entirely accurate representation of real life.

(You can disagree with my top 3 Christmas episodes if you’d like, but you’d be wrong.)

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3. The One with the Creepy Holiday Card

It might not have been a holiday card, but most of us have experienced some communication issue that caused problems with a person we were dating. Many times, the particular problem lies in that one person perceives the relationship to be moving forward faster than the other person wishes. (i.e. one person thinks sending a holiday card out is innocent and the other person thinks this means you want to get married.) If this episode teaches us anything, it’s that a sit down DTR (define the relationship) will most definitely backfire on you and you shouldn’t give your BF/GF a key to your apartment as a peace offering. It is vitally important to make sure you have open honest communication so that you don’t end up as a HOMELESS PERSON IN A VERY SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. Basically, you should always tell the truth and this episode has happened to everyone ever.

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2. The One with the Routine

If we’re being honest, there are about a million things we did growing up with our siblings that we would never want the world to know. (Except for that time my sister decided to tell everyone that we used to dress up and pretend to be Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders while watching ourselves in the mirror.) Anyway, the hilarity of this episode lies within Monica and Ross having absolutely ZERO idea that their dance “routine” is not cool. At all. Not unlike their obsession with Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve or most people’s actual real lives. (Was there an event where you also won honorable mention in the brother/sister dance category? If so, PLEASE comment below.) The routine is a perfect storm of Monica’s competitiveness and Ross’ inclination to over-achieve. This classic brother/sister bonding rivals the Geller Cup for most embarrassing childhood moment and believe me, we’ve all been there. (Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a 2 x 4?)

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1. The One with the Holiday Armadillo

Dad’s going to ridiculous lengths to make their children happy is a completely relatable and adorable Christmas storyline. Also, dad’s waiting until the last minute to perform said adorable act is completely relatable as well. Heaven forbid that a man plan a WEE bit ahead while Santa costumes are still available. No, no, they ALWAYS wait until the very.last.minute. and thus, the Holiday Armadillo is born. Santa’s representative from all the southern states! AND MEXICO! The Holiday Armadillo, or whatever outlandish thing parents do for their children, represents much more than an absurd Christmas costume. It’s a sweet dedication to giving kids the best holiday memories possible. This will happen exponentially when your friends show up in Santa and Superman costumes. Your Christmas celebration will totally look like the Easter Bunny’s funeral, but your kid will have no idea. Good on ya, pops.

P.S. My favorite part was also when Superman flew all the Jews out of Egypt.

Merry Christmas! Phoebe’s Christmas Song

A Critical Review of The Crown, Episodes 1-5

Normally, in English class, the term “critical review” doesn’t mean you actually say negative things. It means you provide a detailed in depth analysis. BUT TODAY IN THIS BLOG IT ABSOLUTELY MEANS NEGATIVE, PEOPLE. I had such high hopes for this show. I must have put it too high on a pedestal. You know, the same one that Kate Middleton is sitting on with George and Charlotte. And CLEARLY, there was no room for anyone else up there.

This show is so hard for me to watch. I forced myself to watch these 5 episodes. I can’t understand what anyone is saying because they all mumble like my grandpa. (No offense, Papa.) Nothing really happens, except people keep dying and everyone is sad and does Queen Elizabeth even like her life?? Here are the episode recaps and my review:

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Episode 1, “Wolferton Splash”

The Crown opens with Phillip being knighted. I think. I couldn’t UNDERSTAND THE PEOPLE. He seems wild and rambunctious, and like he’s going to have an issue “submitting” to his wife, the Queen. (Also, this was in the commercial.) Their wedding is at Westminster Abbey, but TBH, Kate did it better.

We are also introduced to these guys:

Winston Churchill, Prime Minister, who is played by the dude from 3rd Rock from the Sun. Except, in this show, he looks like a combination of Scrooge and one of the opera muppets.

Margaret, Elizabeth’s sister, who’s kind of slutty and likes an older married man named Peter (who is not that cute btw, so I really don’t get it.)

King George VI (he’s the king, duh) and he has a GINORMOUS NASTY BLACK MASS pulled out of him, because: lung cancer. In related news, he keeps repeatedly smoking a zillion cigarettes. How bout those 1950’s?!

Episode 2, “Hyde Park Corner”

Elizabeth and Phillip are on a Commonwealth tour in Kenya and an elephant almost kills them. Other than that, the trip’s pretty cool.

KGVI dies and IT. IS. SAD. Princess Margaret is distraught and Peter, the old married man she likes, kisses her. (Way to make a move when she’s super vulnerable, dude.) It takes them a REALLY long time to find Elizabeth and tell her the news. It completely baffles my mind that the heir to the British empire is on a safari in Africa where NO ONE can contact her. What the heck? I’ve seen photos of Prince William in some remote places but you best believe he took a satellite phone.

Elizabeth chooses to keep her own name, becoming Queen Elizabeth II. (A bizarre AND CONFUSING monarch tradition to change names, if you ask me.) Her whole family has to bow to her now and it’s weird for everybody.

Opera muppet man is rapidly aging and his cabinet ministers are trying to oust him. I’m not really sure why this is a plot line.

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Episode 3, “Windsor”

When Elizabeth’s uncle abdicated the throne (so he could marry a divorced chick) everyone in the royal family blamed him for who got stuck ruling England. Question: Why does no one actually WANT to rule England? I get that it’s stressful. But so is everyone else’s factory job- only they make 40 cents an hour and will die of emphysema.

Meanwhile, Phillip is all pissed because the royal family can’t keep his last name and they have to move into Buckingham palace. He is on my nerves with this ridiculous #firstworldproblem.

QEII is learning the ropes of being queen. She’s super smart, standing up for herself, but with grace and kindness. I really like Elizabeth. If she wasn’t surrounded by super boring people, I might keep watching this show.

Margaret and soon-to-be-divorced Peter make out in his office. This is literally the most exciting part of this episode.

Episode 4, “Act of God”

This entire episode is about creepy, scary, terrifying poisonous fog and the CUTE BLONDE GIRL GETS HIT BY A BUS! At this point, I asked myself why I am even still watching this show. And do you know what the answer was? To hope it gets better. Like maybe if I keep putting myself through this torture then it will pay off?

Due to the fog, we are supposed to deduce that Winston Churchill is no longer fit to be Prime Minister, but like I said, I don’t know why this is a plot line and I’m super bored with it. Also, I’m now afraid of fog.

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Episode 5, “Smoke and Mirrors”

Alright, STUPID EPISODE FIVE may have won me back over. It was really good, dang it. The story of the brother’s abdication is riveting. At the end, when he’s crying and playing his bagpipe… oh my gahhhhh. For the first time watching this show I was actually moved to feel feelings. The weight of the coronation scenes were unbelievable. To think of all the kings and queens who sat in that exact chair for a THOUSAND years before her. The fact that her husband had to kneel before her. Correction: the fact that she FORCED her husband to kneel before her, because Phillip’s ego is the size of Westminster Abbey. Ugh. SO GOOD.

Netflix spent A LOT of money making The Crown. It’s extremely well acted and the sets and costumes are crazy good. The New York Times was singing it’s praises for making drama out of basically no action at all. Except, for me, it’s still basically no action at all. I don’t know if I’ll finish the remaining 5 episodes. Maybe one of you guys could talk me into it once I finish Mr. Selfridge and a rewatch of Friday Night Lights. Oh look, Tim Riggins. You knew it was coming.

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Maybe when the Duchess of Cambridge gets her own Netflix series, I’ll be able to make it to the end. Cheers.

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Poldark: the new Downton Abbey

Poldark is set in 18th century Cornwall, England and stars our main man, Ross Poldark. Ross is a British soldier in the Revolutionary War and is sent to fight in America. When he returns to Cornwall (with a gnarly scar on his face) he realizes his family thought he was dead. While he was away, his father DID die, so he gets stuck with the suckier end of the family property and a copper mine that doesn’t produce copper. Oh yeah and also- THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS ENGAGED TO HIS COUSIN. So there’s that.

If you have FOMO (“fear of missing out” for my mom who’s reading this) then you need to borrow someone’s Amazon Prime password and start streaming the first two seasons of Poldark ASAP. The show is made by Masterpiece PBS just like Downton Abbey, and while it has similarities to Downton, it has more action and IMO is even better. Season 3 is currently filming and is set to air (probably) in the spring of 2017, so you have ample time to catch up. Here are 3 reasons why it’s super awesome:

1. Jane Austen on Steroids

We all know there can never be another Jane Austen. Her ability to poke fun of social etiquette and the way she tells a love story can never be replicated. Poldark, which was originally a set of novels, is similar to Austen’s stories and takes it’s drama up a level. It’s darker with scandals, illegal activity and love affairs. It’s scarier with creepy prisons, starving peasants and A LOT of death. There’s family drama for daysssss and the rest of the Poldark cast includes a villain banker who thinks he can buy himself into nobility; a handsome genteel doctor, who is penniless with a heart of gold; and one super tough, admirable, and absolutely beautiful scullery maid.

2. Aidan Turner

Look, I can’t say too much about this because I’m a married woman, so I’ll just say there’s a blog online that keeps count of how many times Aidan Turner takes his shirt off each episode. You’re welcome.

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And also, while we’re here, just a PSA that even though Ross Poldark is very nice to look at, he’s no Tim Riggins. #TexasForever

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3. Love Triangle/Square/Pentagon? It’s a lot.

To not give away too much of the story, I can only tell you the beginning: Ross and Elizabeth are each other’s first love and they are supposed to be married when Ross returns from the war. Elizabeth thinks he’s dead, so she ends up engaged to Ross’ cousin, Francis. Ross returns, but he’s kinda poor, so gold-digging Elizabeth MARRIES FRANCIS ANYWAY. (smh) Ross is heartbroken, but ends up married to another chick. Then said other chick REALIZES Ross and Elizabeth pretty much still love each other and oh. my. gracious. just. seriously. start watching it right now. I can’t tell you anymore.

Go!!