DWTS Power Rankings

My husband affectionately calls Dancing with the Stars, “Dancing with People You’ve Heard Of” because they are sort of using the term “Star” loosely. The DWTS (or DWPYHO) Season 23 Finale will air this Monday & Tuesday night on ABC. If you’ve missed the entire season, you can catch up with these power rankings of the couples we’ve lost along the way. Cue the Hunger Games sky hologram.

Bye Felicia:

13. Amber Rose & Maks

I am putting Amber Rose last in my rankings, even though she made it farther in the competition than others did, for one very important reason: SHE IS SO ANNOYING. Everything with her was melodrama. She can’t dance and she picked a stupid fight with Julianne. Sigh. What was Wiz Khalifa thinking?

12. Jake T. Austin & Jenna 

This poor guy got eliminated first, although I don’t think he was the worst dancer. But if we needed someone to check the box for “young teenage heartthrob”- I liked Hayes Grier better. Moving on.

11. Rick Perry & Emma

Fun fact: I actually met Rick Perry when I lived in Texas. Shook his hand, had a conversation with him, had NO idea who the dude was. I applaud him for coming on this show. He spread awareness for our veterans and we got to see a dance with Texas flags flying everywhere. #TexasForever (Oh look, another opportunity to post a photo of Tim Riggins.)

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10. Babyface & Allison

Babyface wasn’t too shabby of a dancer, but the best part about him being on this show were these exchanges in my household:

*Babyface’s face flashes across the screen.*

My husband: “Wow! He looks YOUNG!”

Me: …………………………………………. “BABY-face.”

That really happened, but then my husband redeemed himself with some jokes about how the judges should address Babyface. “Baby…” “Mr. Babyface…” “Mr. Face…?” it was hysterical.

9. Maureen McCormick & Artem

Marsha Marsha Marsha is apparently a HUGE DWPYHO fan and somehow thought she could actually win. (Eye roll.) She was also pretty emotional and each week I felt like America was just watching her have a meltdown. Her story about her husband helping to save her from a cocaine addiction though was actually very touching. You go, Maureen.

8. Vanilla Ice & Whitney

This guy. I had NO idea Vanilla Ice was so friendly. He ended up in a bromance with Rick Perry! I thought he was a decent dancer, and I was sad when he got eliminated. P.S. My husband made the same Babyface jokes here too: “Vanilla…” “Mr. Vanilla…” “Mr. Ice…” Don’t these people have normal names on a birth certificate somewhere?!

7. Ryan Lochte & Cheryl

After some Week 1 drama caused by protestors (who were 40 year old GROWN MEN btw… #2016) our last glimpse of Ryan Lochte showed him happy and dancing pretty well. DWPYHO seems to have helped Lochte recover from his international incident. Maybe he should just stay home for awhile. Travel domestically. Have you been to Montana, Ryan? I hear it’s lovely and the gas station attendants all speak English.

6. Marilu Henner & Derek

Derek Hough is the Lebron James of dancing and I think he got screwed this year with Marilu. Now, I’m not trying to be mean. She is freaking 60 years old and if my legs look half as good as hers when I’m a senior citizen, I’ll be prancing around in a tutu as well. But WHAT IS WITH THESE OLD PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY THINK THEY CAN WIN… This chick went way farther in the competition than anyone thought she would. Congratulations and please tell Tony Danza we love that song Elton John wrote for him.

5. Terra Jole & Sasha

My friend’s daughter calls Terra the “mini woman” and I’m sure that’s not PC- but you have to admit it’s pretty funny. Terra seriously has the BEST attitude on this show. (Well, her and sweet adorable Laurie Hernandez.) She’s a very good dancer, and last night she danced SO well I thought she might make the Finals over Calvin.

With Terra’s elimination, we are left with four couples as true contenders to win the Mirror Ball Trophy:

Calvin Johnson & Lindsay 

James Hinchcliffe & Sharna

Jana Kramer & Gleb

Laurie Hernandez & Val

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s fanalysis to see who earns the top spot in these OFFICIAL DWPYHO rankings!! (And yes, there is supposed to be an F there. It’s analysis…done by a fan… Nevermind.)

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