9:02: Ah, beautiful intro music, I have missed you. Muah.
9:03: Wait, Afghanistan?? Have people just been fighting here since it was created? What is the British army doing? Please don’t say looking for al-Qaeda. Seriously, I have no idea what’s going on. What did they even teach me in high school? Oh right, calculus. SO helpful, thanks guys.
9:03: Victoria looks more comfortable holding her dog, than her baby. Uh oh.
9:06: Literally, the only servant storyline I care about is Skerrett and Francatelli. Give me Skerratelli, or give me nothing.
9:07: Why does a married woman have to be purified by the church because she had a baby? She’s MARRRRRIIIIIEEED. And all y’all wanna complain about women’s rights in 2018. Child, please.
9:11: Victoria is v excited to go back to work, but Albert has basically taken over the country. A classic case of maternity leave.
9:16: That white dress Victoria wears in the nursery is just to. die. for. Ugh, so beautiful. Wait, why does Harriet have to leave? I thought Ernest had to go, not her. I like her! Oh and gross, this old cranky woman is her replacement? Kill me. Come back, Harriet!!
9:22: Albert and Victoria are fighting. He says, “Where are you going?” She says, “To the nursery. Isn’t that where you think I belong?” Ooooof. Marriage Counseling 101: Sarcasm is not good for fighting.
9:28: Oh great, the Family Von Coburgs are all in town for the christening. Joy. Albert and Victoria are still fighting. She throws stuff at him, and compares him to Lord Melbourne. (Oh girl, don’t do that.) Albert says he’s gonna sleep in his own bed until she recovers her reason. (Oh boy, don’t say that.) I gotta chime in here. Most of the time Victoria is petty and dramatic, but she has a point. Everyone is trying to baby her (pun intended) and even though they mean well, they’re treating her differently than they would a man. #feminism #yougogirl
9:39: Victoria Adelaide Mary Louisa. Heart emoji. I wish people today named their kids like 17 beautiful names in a row. Instead, we’re stuck with random syllables people mix together so their child is “unique.” Eye roll.
9:41: OH SNAP. Ernest meets Harriet’s husband. Awkwaaaaard.
9:45: 4,000 men die in Afghanistan and two political parties sit in a room and yell at each other about it. (What year is it?) Albert keeps bringing up military helmets, but no one cares.
9:48: Victoria gets a letter from Lord M (EEEK!) and Albert tries to play the “writing to your old boyfriend is unconstitutional” card. We are never gonna fall for that, bro.
9:52: As is the plot with every episode, Victoria makes up her own mind and everything turns out for the best! This time, she boosts British morale by standing on a ginormous ship. Yay. She and Albert also make up because she still has 8 more children to birth.
10:00: Albert’s family is on my nerves. When are they going home?
10:01: There’s a real live female mathematician! Everyone is so surprised!
10:03: Wilhelmina has a crush on Ernest, it makes her face look like a strawberry. Poor little thing doesn’t know he loves hookers and married women. STAY AWAY WILHELMINA.
10:04: SKERRATELLI! Will these kids ever figure it out?
10:05: Lord M! Lord M! Lord M! Lord MMMMMMMMMMMMM. Be still my heart. Ah, all is right in the world again. NOW SHOW ME SOME ADORABLE INTERACTIONS YOU TWO. I AM READY. I love the way he says, “ma’am” to Victoria. His hair is more gray than it used to be and Uncle Leo says he looks “diminished.” I don’t like where this is headed. He leaves the party early.
10:15: Victoria’s knocked up again, people!! She is not excited.
10:16: Ernest is allowed to stay at the palace because Harriet went home. I hope she comes back soon tho because I’m getting bored with Ernest’s storyline.
10:18: Victoria is jealous of math nerd Lady Lovelace. Albert is jealous of Lord M and the next 30 minutes of this episode is one big fight/misunderstanding because Victoria won’t tell Albert she’s pregnant and neither one of them will reassure the other of their love and devotion. Seriously, marriage counseling. You two should look into it.
10:24: As is the plot with every episode, Victoria lashes out. SHE’S GOING TO BROCKET HALL, Y’ALL. We’re as shocked as Lord M. His hair looks even more gray here. I don’t like this. I don’t like this one bit. Lord M always knows just what to say to cheer us up. He’s so supportive and respectful and encouraging and why did she marry Albert again?
10:32: Uncle Leo tells Albert Victoria’s pregnant and they fight again. DO THESE PEOPLE EVER GET ALONG?
10:35: LEECHES NOOOOOOOOO. What. is. happening. If they make me watch Lord M die I am gonna be SO UPSET. I can’t watch it, I can’t! This is the worst. I think I’m going to watch the first 5 episodes of season 1 again and just pretend this isn’t happening.
10:42: Victoria and Lady Lovelace bond over both wishing they had been born men. It’s hard out here for a pimp. Slash woman in the 1800’s.
10:45: And of course, Albert and Victoria make up because she still has 7 more children to birth.